I don’t usually blog about my clients, but I’m making an exception today. The client I'm commending is the Space Coast Chapter of FEW (Federally Employed Women). This group of NASA women usually host an annual one-day local conference for their membership. This year, at the same time, they also hosted the FEW Southeast Region’s conference as well. For both conferences, I presented my mentoring workshop, Somebody’s in My Corner: Mentoring Strategies for Women.
The women of the Space Coast Chapter of FEW demonstrated everything that is good about a high-functioning team. Because they did, I think they are wonderful role models for other groups of women. Here are the characteristics they - and every truly good team - demonstrates:
1 – Getting the Job Done
Hosting a conference is a major undertaking…a big deal. It requires a super amount of work. It’s everything from getting sponsors and organizing the venue (including rooms for both the event and the participants, choosing meals, etc.) to selecting speakers, marketing the event, filling the venue with participants, and making sure their participants and their speakers are taken care of and have a good experience. Each one of those tasks is major and has hundreds of smaller, associated tasks. Getting it all done as effectively and efficiently as the Space Coast FEW did was no easy job…but they did it exceptionally well!
2 – Doing the Job Right
There never seems to be enough time to do everything we want to do for ourselves, let alone for others. It seems that it’s easy to cut corners, especially when it gets down to the wire.
The women of the Space Coast Chapter of FEW unselfishly coordinated their time, effort, talent and energy to provide professional learning opportunities for hundreds of other women. They didn’t get to rest until after the conference was over and the last attendee went home – and even then, their job wasn’t over.
In the weeks that followed, they still had summaries, reports, etc. Not every team takes the time to make sure that, even in the post-event work, all the “i’s” are dotted and “t’s” crossed. They did.
Can you imagine my delight when, six weeks after the conference ended, I received a beautiful, personal letter from the Speaker Chair and the Conference Chair thanking me for the job I did and encouraging me to connect with other FEW chapters. They didn’t have to…but I really appreciated that they did.
3 – Keeping the Team Intact
By the end of the first day, I noticed something different about the “FEW ladies” compared to some conference groups with whom I’ve worked. I asked them how they maintained their camaraderie and good humor. They told me that when they had their first meeting, they acknowledged the effect stress could have on their chapter and talked about it. They all knew that conference planning can put so much pressure on the team that it could be destroyed in the process. In fact, they knew chapters that did break up as a result of conference-planning stress.
So, as a team, they made a decision. As one woman said, “We agreed that we were friends before this started and – no matter what happened in the planning - we’d be friends after it ended.” So, even though they admitted that there were tense times during the nine-month planning process, they were wrapping it up together – and were even stronger.
In addition to doing a big job well and growing through it in the process, the Space Coast chapter of FEW even managed to use their event to give back to their community via educational scholarship funds to the Brevard Community College WENDI program, which helps people prepare to reenter the work field after a significant change in their lives.
WELL DONE, Ladies!! You are a special team and great role models for others.
And, to my contact Jean Grenville: thanks so much for making my FEW experience so positive. I enjoyed our many conversations and look forward to seeing you and your colleagues again in the future.
In victory,
Annmarie
Friday, June 6, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
May Victorious Woman of the Month
NAFE Director Honored
Robbie Motter, the Western & Mid Atlantic Regional Coordinator for the National Association of Executive Females (NAFE), is well known in NAFE Circles for her tireless networking and support of women around the country. It is with great pleasure that I’m announcing that Robbie Motter is named May 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month.
During May, International Victorious Woman Month, I had the pleasure of speaking to lots of women who were mentored and supported by Robbie. Not at all to my surprise, each one had such affection and respect for her!
Her story of lifelong victories is one not to be missed…so don’t. You can read it, along with Robbie’s tips for living victoriously, at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm. It’s also in printer-friendly format, so you can also print or download it to share with friends.
Congratulations, Robbie! You're a great role model for every woman who wants to be successful and happy. Thanks for teaching us to "ASK" and that "SHOWING UP" is the first step.
In victory,
Annmarie
Robbie Motter, the Western & Mid Atlantic Regional Coordinator for the National Association of Executive Females (NAFE), is well known in NAFE Circles for her tireless networking and support of women around the country. It is with great pleasure that I’m announcing that Robbie Motter is named May 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month.
During May, International Victorious Woman Month, I had the pleasure of speaking to lots of women who were mentored and supported by Robbie. Not at all to my surprise, each one had such affection and respect for her!
Her story of lifelong victories is one not to be missed…so don’t. You can read it, along with Robbie’s tips for living victoriously, at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm. It’s also in printer-friendly format, so you can also print or download it to share with friends.
Congratulations, Robbie! You're a great role model for every woman who wants to be successful and happy. Thanks for teaching us to "ASK" and that "SHOWING UP" is the first step.
In victory,
Annmarie
Monday, May 26, 2008
Memorial Day 2008
This morning I briefly listened to a radio talk show. Unlike many other shows, it was "live" not taped in advance. The host asked people to call in with the names of loved ones who died in the service of my country. He asked them to give their name, the war and say something about the deceased veteran. It was so touching, honorable and fit the meaning of this day perfectly.
As I listened, I thought of my father who was a disabled veteran. Though he was exempt from the draft, he enlisted anyway because he wanted to serve. Unfortunately, he was wounded in battle and lost his left hand and forearm. He received the Purple Heart, was honorably discharged and, since he could no longer do his pre-war work, attended college on the GI Bill. I could tell you many things about growing up with a disabled vet, but what I most want you to know is that my experience makes me ever-grateful to the men and women of the armed services who have served in the past and who are now serving my country. They protect me, my loved ones and my lifestyle.
In this war, women are serving unlike any other time. In previous generations, most women took on caregiving roles, even in the services. Today’s women fight side by side with their male counterparts. Like the men, they leave spouses, lovers and families and go to unsafe places like Iraq and Afghanistan. Also like the men, many have someone on the homefront, caring for houses and children and waiting anxiously for the return of their loved ones. In this war, for the first time, men as well as women are “keeping the home fires burning” and they jump every time the phone rings and live in fear of the dreaded knock on the door.
During this Memorial Day, let’s take some time to remember those who gave their life so that we can have the freedom to live as we want, pray as we desire, and applaud or criticize our government as we choose. And while we are remembering the dead, let’s say a prayer or send a good thought to those who are actively working for our freedom today – on or off the battlefield. They aren’t having a carefree barbeque, and knocking back a few beers or sipping glasses of wine. They are all hanging tough, trusting in our victory, and hoping they will see their loved ones again.
To all of you, I am grateful. THANK YOU!
As I listened, I thought of my father who was a disabled veteran. Though he was exempt from the draft, he enlisted anyway because he wanted to serve. Unfortunately, he was wounded in battle and lost his left hand and forearm. He received the Purple Heart, was honorably discharged and, since he could no longer do his pre-war work, attended college on the GI Bill. I could tell you many things about growing up with a disabled vet, but what I most want you to know is that my experience makes me ever-grateful to the men and women of the armed services who have served in the past and who are now serving my country. They protect me, my loved ones and my lifestyle.
In this war, women are serving unlike any other time. In previous generations, most women took on caregiving roles, even in the services. Today’s women fight side by side with their male counterparts. Like the men, they leave spouses, lovers and families and go to unsafe places like Iraq and Afghanistan. Also like the men, many have someone on the homefront, caring for houses and children and waiting anxiously for the return of their loved ones. In this war, for the first time, men as well as women are “keeping the home fires burning” and they jump every time the phone rings and live in fear of the dreaded knock on the door.
During this Memorial Day, let’s take some time to remember those who gave their life so that we can have the freedom to live as we want, pray as we desire, and applaud or criticize our government as we choose. And while we are remembering the dead, let’s say a prayer or send a good thought to those who are actively working for our freedom today – on or off the battlefield. They aren’t having a carefree barbeque, and knocking back a few beers or sipping glasses of wine. They are all hanging tough, trusting in our victory, and hoping they will see their loved ones again.
To all of you, I am grateful. THANK YOU!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mother’s Day and Giftgiving
What Do You Really Want?
If you didn’t get the Mother’s Day acknowledgements from your children, and their father, you’d be upset, right? Yet, if you are like so many other women, as nice as it is getting the flowers, gifts, brunch, etc., it leaves many of you feeling disappointed.
Does that make you sound ungrateful? NO! If, on Mother’s Day, everyone makes a fuss but the next day everyone goes back to taking you for granted, how can you not be disappointed?
Here are a couple suggestions for your kids of things you might really want and enjoy. And you can send them to this blog entry any time of the year: Mother’s Day, your birthday, Christmas, when you don’t feel well…and whenever the people you care for are forgetting how important you are in their lives!
Happy Mother’s Day. May this be the best Mother’s Day for the Mom in your life!
Kids…here are some things you can get your mom that she’ll really like:
Time. Most women fill their waking time with tasks for family, work, school events, etc. As a result, they leave no time for themselves. Pick one time-consuming job that Mom does regularly and take over that chore – permanently. It could be cleaning the bathroom each week, doing dishes or taking Mom’s aging mother shopping once a month. Whatever you pick, follow-through and really make it your job. Extra hint: make sure Mom agrees to use the hour or two that you are giving her each week for serious self-care.
Appreciative Attention. Instead of depending on the card and gift industry to tell you when to honor your mother, start a new ritual called Mom’s Personal Day. Pick one day a month – or even every other month. Mark it on your calendar and hers. Plan something special to let your mother know she is valuable a part of your life.
Need ideas for your Mom’s Personal Day? Based on her interests and age, your Mom might enjoy a mother-son brunch, afternoon at the beach or a museum, a mother-daughter shopping trip or simply a loving visit from you where she is the total focus of your attention. Find out what she would like best, and do it for her. Windfall moment: you’ll be making memories with Mom that will stay in your heart long after trinkets have lost their usefulness. Added benefit: you may discover a whole new appreciation for something you never thought you’d like.
Stress-relief. What’s the one thing you do that stresses Mom out? Is it being defensive or argumentative? Maybe she stresses because you don’t pick up after yourself, or don’t call. Whatever that one thing is, stop doing it. It won’t take away all Mom’s stress, but every little bit has an impact. Side bonus: the effort will build your character – and that will please Mom even more!
Mom will always love you, and these ideas will show her you love AND appreciate her too!!
If you didn’t get the Mother’s Day acknowledgements from your children, and their father, you’d be upset, right? Yet, if you are like so many other women, as nice as it is getting the flowers, gifts, brunch, etc., it leaves many of you feeling disappointed.
Does that make you sound ungrateful? NO! If, on Mother’s Day, everyone makes a fuss but the next day everyone goes back to taking you for granted, how can you not be disappointed?
Here are a couple suggestions for your kids of things you might really want and enjoy. And you can send them to this blog entry any time of the year: Mother’s Day, your birthday, Christmas, when you don’t feel well…and whenever the people you care for are forgetting how important you are in their lives!
Happy Mother’s Day. May this be the best Mother’s Day for the Mom in your life!
Kids…here are some things you can get your mom that she’ll really like:
Time. Most women fill their waking time with tasks for family, work, school events, etc. As a result, they leave no time for themselves. Pick one time-consuming job that Mom does regularly and take over that chore – permanently. It could be cleaning the bathroom each week, doing dishes or taking Mom’s aging mother shopping once a month. Whatever you pick, follow-through and really make it your job. Extra hint: make sure Mom agrees to use the hour or two that you are giving her each week for serious self-care.
Appreciative Attention. Instead of depending on the card and gift industry to tell you when to honor your mother, start a new ritual called Mom’s Personal Day. Pick one day a month – or even every other month. Mark it on your calendar and hers. Plan something special to let your mother know she is valuable a part of your life.
Need ideas for your Mom’s Personal Day? Based on her interests and age, your Mom might enjoy a mother-son brunch, afternoon at the beach or a museum, a mother-daughter shopping trip or simply a loving visit from you where she is the total focus of your attention. Find out what she would like best, and do it for her. Windfall moment: you’ll be making memories with Mom that will stay in your heart long after trinkets have lost their usefulness. Added benefit: you may discover a whole new appreciation for something you never thought you’d like.
Stress-relief. What’s the one thing you do that stresses Mom out? Is it being defensive or argumentative? Maybe she stresses because you don’t pick up after yourself, or don’t call. Whatever that one thing is, stop doing it. It won’t take away all Mom’s stress, but every little bit has an impact. Side bonus: the effort will build your character – and that will please Mom even more!
Mom will always love you, and these ideas will show her you love AND appreciate her too!!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Victorious Woman Month Starts Today!
May is International Victorious Woman Month.
What will you do to celebrate and make this a victorious month? Here are three ways you can “get your victory on” and make this a spectacularly victorious month:
Focus on Victory
Give up those thoughts that you “can’t do it” or “are too young/old” or “don’t have the money.” Instead, think about end results. What do you want? How will it feel when you get it? How will your life be different?
Visualize Victory
Start making pictures of your victory in your mind. Research shows that your mind doesn’t know the difference between real and fake. It outpictures what you visualize. So, if you are picturing yourself failing or just getting by, that’s what you get. This month, pledge to focus only on positive pictures. See yourself overcoming obstacles and making the victory stretch that leads to success. You can even make a Victorious Visioning Book (for instructions: http://www.victoriouswoman.com/Files/Victorious_Visioning.pdf).
Act Victoriously
There is an old adage: “if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you already got.” Do something different and better than you did yesterday. Make a phone call that you’ve been putting off. Take a risk. Find a mentor. Reach out and network with someone who is already at the personal or professional level you want to be.
For more Victorious Woman ideas, click on this blog's title for a free download of the Victorious Woman Calendar’08 with thirty-one daily tips for focusing your life on victory.
Wishing you an amazing Victorious Woman Month!
Annmarie
What will you do to celebrate and make this a victorious month? Here are three ways you can “get your victory on” and make this a spectacularly victorious month:
Focus on Victory
Give up those thoughts that you “can’t do it” or “are too young/old” or “don’t have the money.” Instead, think about end results. What do you want? How will it feel when you get it? How will your life be different?
Visualize Victory
Start making pictures of your victory in your mind. Research shows that your mind doesn’t know the difference between real and fake. It outpictures what you visualize. So, if you are picturing yourself failing or just getting by, that’s what you get. This month, pledge to focus only on positive pictures. See yourself overcoming obstacles and making the victory stretch that leads to success. You can even make a Victorious Visioning Book (for instructions: http://www.victoriouswoman.com/Files/Victorious_Visioning.pdf).
Act Victoriously
There is an old adage: “if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you already got.” Do something different and better than you did yesterday. Make a phone call that you’ve been putting off. Take a risk. Find a mentor. Reach out and network with someone who is already at the personal or professional level you want to be.
For more Victorious Woman ideas, click on this blog's title for a free download of the Victorious Woman Calendar’08 with thirty-one daily tips for focusing your life on victory.
Wishing you an amazing Victorious Woman Month!
Annmarie
Monday, April 21, 2008
Those All-Powerful FLDS Men: In Today's News
I always think it’s funny when a man thinks he’s a leader, but can only lead when he has physical, mental and/or financial control over others. I know from personal experience that a man like that is really a coward. I know it because, when challenged, he cowers and hides like the lowly animal he is.
That’s what I was thinking today as I watched an interview with three of them on the CBS Early Show. It was the first time any Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints sect (FLDS) man showed his face since the children were taken away from the secluded compound they call home, based on allegations of child abuse. Weeks have gone by while they let the women face the cameras while they hid in their compound.
Then, there they were this morning, acting like some aw-shucks hicks. And, gosh and dagnabbit...they said they just can't do nothing about them young girls who might be ahavin' a mind to marry some old geezer. They didn't even know they was adoin' anything illegal 'cause they are righteous men.
Give me a break!
Last week the FLDS women went to court to fight to get their children. Crowds of waif-like women were speaking to reporters, desperately begging to get their children back from the government. They say they aren’t abused and dodged every question about polygamy and the paternal identity of those children. They doggedly refused to answer any questions about their marriages or any questions about relationships between older men and underage girls. Why???
Also in the interviews, the women say their way of life is their choice and they can leave anytime. They choose to stay. Really?
Consider this as a reason: Did you know about the threat the FLDS men hold over women? In the words of their leader, Warren Jeffs, a woman are obliged to build up her husband by being totally subservient to him. If she doesn't, the control is so totally pervasive that an FLDS woman is told she can’t even get into heaven unless she is invited by her satisfied husband. So if she she displeases him - say, by refusing to let her prepubescent daughter to marry some mature (40+) man, she could spend eternity in hell. I wonder if those women also fear eternal damnation if they don’t get their children back from the government. That’s some abusive control!
The women say they'll do anything to get their children back. I wonder if that means they would be willing to expose their lifestyle...or is the fear of not being asked to join their man in heaven a greater threat?
And, here in the real world, it doesn't have to be an FDLS member who does the controlling. It can be the man who uses a bad temper to get what he wants, or threatens a woman with public embarrassment if she gets out of line - his line.
It just goes to show us all that a woman needs to maintain control of her SELF, and not allow anyone to take that away from her. A real man is comfortable in partnership and respects both the woman he's with and the relationship they have. That's not some Pollyanna idea, that's what happens between healthy partners.
That’s what I was thinking today as I watched an interview with three of them on the CBS Early Show. It was the first time any Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints sect (FLDS) man showed his face since the children were taken away from the secluded compound they call home, based on allegations of child abuse. Weeks have gone by while they let the women face the cameras while they hid in their compound.
Then, there they were this morning, acting like some aw-shucks hicks. And, gosh and dagnabbit...they said they just can't do nothing about them young girls who might be ahavin' a mind to marry some old geezer. They didn't even know they was adoin' anything illegal 'cause they are righteous men.
Give me a break!
Last week the FLDS women went to court to fight to get their children. Crowds of waif-like women were speaking to reporters, desperately begging to get their children back from the government. They say they aren’t abused and dodged every question about polygamy and the paternal identity of those children. They doggedly refused to answer any questions about their marriages or any questions about relationships between older men and underage girls. Why???
Also in the interviews, the women say their way of life is their choice and they can leave anytime. They choose to stay. Really?
Consider this as a reason: Did you know about the threat the FLDS men hold over women? In the words of their leader, Warren Jeffs, a woman are obliged to build up her husband by being totally subservient to him. If she doesn't, the control is so totally pervasive that an FLDS woman is told she can’t even get into heaven unless she is invited by her satisfied husband. So if she she displeases him - say, by refusing to let her prepubescent daughter to marry some mature (40+) man, she could spend eternity in hell. I wonder if those women also fear eternal damnation if they don’t get their children back from the government. That’s some abusive control!
The women say they'll do anything to get their children back. I wonder if that means they would be willing to expose their lifestyle...or is the fear of not being asked to join their man in heaven a greater threat?
And, here in the real world, it doesn't have to be an FDLS member who does the controlling. It can be the man who uses a bad temper to get what he wants, or threatens a woman with public embarrassment if she gets out of line - his line.
It just goes to show us all that a woman needs to maintain control of her SELF, and not allow anyone to take that away from her. A real man is comfortable in partnership and respects both the woman he's with and the relationship they have. That's not some Pollyanna idea, that's what happens between healthy partners.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
This VICTORY is about YOU!
Tell Your Story by May 10!
May is International Victorious Woman Month and I'm celebrating by honoring YOU.
Have you...
• Triumphed over a seemingly overwhelming obstacle in your life?
• Broken through a glass ceiling and won a coveted promotion?
• Beaten the odds and created a successful small or home-based business?
• Lost your job, marriage or partner and found new success and happiness?
• Experienced a life-changing event and successfully navigated through the difficult change and transition?
If you have, then you are a Victorious Woman and I want to hear your story. I also want to share it with other women. I think YOUR STORY OF VICTORY can encourage other women to believe in themselves and their ability to find their own victory through any difficulty. I believe YOUR STORY OF VICTORY will help others so much, I'm giving you kudos and prizes for sharing through the Victorious Woman Essay Contest.
Here’s the contest: In 250-750 words, tell us what challenged you, how it was a victory – especially how you stretched more into your victorious self because of it, and how your victory changed your life.
Email submissions to presentations@victoriouswoman.com NO LATER THAN May 10.
Prizes
1st Prize
• $100.00
• You will be honored as a 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month with an interview article featured on the Victorious Woman website (www.victoriouswoman.com) AND
• You'll receive a personally autographed copy of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories
2nd Prize:
• $50.00
• You will be honored as a 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month with an interview article featured on the Victorious Woman website (www.victoriouswoman.com) AND
• You'll receive a personally autographed copy of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories
3rd Prize:
• Your story will be featured at www.victoriouswoman.com AND
• You will receive a personally autographed copy of Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories
Hurry! Deadline is May 10
Tell your friends too!
For more information, you can read all the contest rules and eligibility at http://victoriouswoman.com/vwcontest.htm
May is International Victorious Woman Month and I'm celebrating by honoring YOU.
Have you...
• Triumphed over a seemingly overwhelming obstacle in your life?
• Broken through a glass ceiling and won a coveted promotion?
• Beaten the odds and created a successful small or home-based business?
• Lost your job, marriage or partner and found new success and happiness?
• Experienced a life-changing event and successfully navigated through the difficult change and transition?
If you have, then you are a Victorious Woman and I want to hear your story. I also want to share it with other women. I think YOUR STORY OF VICTORY can encourage other women to believe in themselves and their ability to find their own victory through any difficulty. I believe YOUR STORY OF VICTORY will help others so much, I'm giving you kudos and prizes for sharing through the Victorious Woman Essay Contest.
Here’s the contest: In 250-750 words, tell us what challenged you, how it was a victory – especially how you stretched more into your victorious self because of it, and how your victory changed your life.
Email submissions to presentations@victoriouswoman.com NO LATER THAN May 10.
Prizes
1st Prize
• $100.00
• You will be honored as a 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month with an interview article featured on the Victorious Woman website (www.victoriouswoman.com) AND
• You'll receive a personally autographed copy of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories
2nd Prize:
• $50.00
• You will be honored as a 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month with an interview article featured on the Victorious Woman website (www.victoriouswoman.com) AND
• You'll receive a personally autographed copy of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories
3rd Prize:
• Your story will be featured at www.victoriouswoman.com AND
• You will receive a personally autographed copy of Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories
Hurry! Deadline is May 10
Tell your friends too!
For more information, you can read all the contest rules and eligibility at http://victoriouswoman.com/vwcontest.htm
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Eliot Spitzer's Biggest Dishonor: In Today's News
It’s happened again. Another political sex scandal. This time it’s Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York.
Here's My Issue: Spitzer did what he did – it was like a covert operation because it took lots of planning and premeditation for the governor to arrange his sexual trysts. During that time, he didn’t consult with or have the support of Mrs. Spitzer while he was doing it. Yet Sptizer’s press conference included Mrs. Spritzer, who stood next to her cheating spouse looking sick and devastated. If he didn't need her then, why NOW does he have to drag her into his disgrace?
We’ve seen so much of this: Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, Jim McGreevey, Larry Craig. The list is long. Their behaviors dissed their mates. Then they were sooooo sorry. But let's be honest. They were sorry because they got caught in the act. Worse yet, while they stood before the press feigning an apology to their families, the women they defiled made Tammy Wynette "stand by your man" appearances with them – as though their spouse also did something to deserve the embarrassment.
To Governor Spitzer and the others: Listen boys (you gave up your man card some time ago), when you are standing before those cameras, it isn't because you lost an election or missed achieving a goal that you and your spouse worked toward together. You got caught with your pants down with someone other than your spouse. When you did the deed, you made a decision to put your life and everything in it at risk. While none of us knows what goes on behind the closed doors of your marriage, chances are that your illegal and/or immoral actions were NOT sanctioned by your spouse. So when you have to face the music with the press, act like the all-powerful man you were pretending to be. This isn’t the time to lean on the one person who you dishonored and humiliated the most by your behaviors.
The Bottom line: You should have thought about your spouse when you were fooling around. If you didn’t need her by your side when you were making arrangements to cheat on her, you don’t need her by your side now. You’ve disgraced her enough by your actions. When you trot her out into the public eye, you are adding to her pain. Why?
To The Spouses: Let the dog clean up his own mess. Just because you love him, doesn’t mean you should forget that, all the while you were loving him and taking care of his home and family, he was getting his kicks with someone else.
My Advice: Here are three things you can do instead:
1 - Get angry! Dig down to your deepest places and let the emotion out. Scream it out, journal it out, break things, whatever you need to do to vent that emotion. Don’t be surprised if you need to do it over and over for days or weeks. Those feelings of ‘how dare he?” and “how could he do that to me?” are really strong, especially when you feel you’ve accommodated him in every way you could.
Repressed anger results in depression, which can result in self-destructive and even life-threatening reactions. Why should that happen to you for some behavior you didn’t initiate?
2 - Seek qualified help. Once you start letting go of some of your initial anger, you need to sort out your feelings. If you have children, they need to do the same. Find a qualified therapist and make weekly appointments – more often if they help. The sooner you start making some sense of your feelings, the sooner you will heal. There’s no reason to let this awful thing result in a health issue that destroys your life.
3 - Do it for yourself. Refuse to let yourself be used again by the cad who just took advantage of you. If he’s having issues and feeling alienated, too bad. He obviously needs therapy and he should get it - alone. You can work on your marriage later. You can agree that in three or six months, if you feel like it, you’ll get couples counseling. Right now, you need to work on you.
Final thoughts: It isn't likely that sex scandals are going to stop. However, in the future, my hope is to see fewer and fewer accomplished women like Dana Matos McGreevey and Silda Wall Spitzer standing by the arrogant, self-serving men who wronged them.
It's interesting for us to consider how, when the shoe is on the other foot, that is, when women are caught in sex scandals - for example, teachers Mary Kay Letourneau and Debra LaFave - you are more likely to see them facing the press or interviewing on the talk shows with their attorney, not their spouse. Interesting, eh? Maybe this is the kind of situation when we could learn a lesson or two from the men.
Here's My Issue: Spitzer did what he did – it was like a covert operation because it took lots of planning and premeditation for the governor to arrange his sexual trysts. During that time, he didn’t consult with or have the support of Mrs. Spitzer while he was doing it. Yet Sptizer’s press conference included Mrs. Spritzer, who stood next to her cheating spouse looking sick and devastated. If he didn't need her then, why NOW does he have to drag her into his disgrace?
We’ve seen so much of this: Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, Jim McGreevey, Larry Craig. The list is long. Their behaviors dissed their mates. Then they were sooooo sorry. But let's be honest. They were sorry because they got caught in the act. Worse yet, while they stood before the press feigning an apology to their families, the women they defiled made Tammy Wynette "stand by your man" appearances with them – as though their spouse also did something to deserve the embarrassment.
To Governor Spitzer and the others: Listen boys (you gave up your man card some time ago), when you are standing before those cameras, it isn't because you lost an election or missed achieving a goal that you and your spouse worked toward together. You got caught with your pants down with someone other than your spouse. When you did the deed, you made a decision to put your life and everything in it at risk. While none of us knows what goes on behind the closed doors of your marriage, chances are that your illegal and/or immoral actions were NOT sanctioned by your spouse. So when you have to face the music with the press, act like the all-powerful man you were pretending to be. This isn’t the time to lean on the one person who you dishonored and humiliated the most by your behaviors.
The Bottom line: You should have thought about your spouse when you were fooling around. If you didn’t need her by your side when you were making arrangements to cheat on her, you don’t need her by your side now. You’ve disgraced her enough by your actions. When you trot her out into the public eye, you are adding to her pain. Why?
To The Spouses: Let the dog clean up his own mess. Just because you love him, doesn’t mean you should forget that, all the while you were loving him and taking care of his home and family, he was getting his kicks with someone else.
My Advice: Here are three things you can do instead:
1 - Get angry! Dig down to your deepest places and let the emotion out. Scream it out, journal it out, break things, whatever you need to do to vent that emotion. Don’t be surprised if you need to do it over and over for days or weeks. Those feelings of ‘how dare he?” and “how could he do that to me?” are really strong, especially when you feel you’ve accommodated him in every way you could.
Repressed anger results in depression, which can result in self-destructive and even life-threatening reactions. Why should that happen to you for some behavior you didn’t initiate?
2 - Seek qualified help. Once you start letting go of some of your initial anger, you need to sort out your feelings. If you have children, they need to do the same. Find a qualified therapist and make weekly appointments – more often if they help. The sooner you start making some sense of your feelings, the sooner you will heal. There’s no reason to let this awful thing result in a health issue that destroys your life.
3 - Do it for yourself. Refuse to let yourself be used again by the cad who just took advantage of you. If he’s having issues and feeling alienated, too bad. He obviously needs therapy and he should get it - alone. You can work on your marriage later. You can agree that in three or six months, if you feel like it, you’ll get couples counseling. Right now, you need to work on you.
Final thoughts: It isn't likely that sex scandals are going to stop. However, in the future, my hope is to see fewer and fewer accomplished women like Dana Matos McGreevey and Silda Wall Spitzer standing by the arrogant, self-serving men who wronged them.
It's interesting for us to consider how, when the shoe is on the other foot, that is, when women are caught in sex scandals - for example, teachers Mary Kay Letourneau and Debra LaFave - you are more likely to see them facing the press or interviewing on the talk shows with their attorney, not their spouse. Interesting, eh? Maybe this is the kind of situation when we could learn a lesson or two from the men.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentines' Day: What Do You Really Want?
Hallmark, Gibson and the other greeting card companies tells us to buy expensive cards. Godiva and FTD tell us that the way we need to be romanced is with candy and flowers. But is that what you think Valentine’s Day is about? I don't. I think that stuff is for newbies and amateurs.
It's not that I don't like all that stuff, but I don’t put all my expectations into one single day. This time last year, my sweetie and I were driving through a snowstorm to pick up his mother from a nursing home to take her back to her assisted living apartment. By the time we got home, we were physically and emotionally drained. We had a quick bite and watched a funny DVD, during which we both fell asleep. Happy Valentine’s Day…!
I think the truth is that what every woman really wants is the love that Valentine’s Day promises, as well as its implied intimacy. Merely buying a card, flowers, or lingerie can’t make that happen. It’s like foreplay…if your man doesn’t make enough time for it, the big event itself is falls flat…and nothing else really matters. Even diamonds can’t make up for the emptiness resulting from thoughtlessness or casual disregard.
I talk to a lot of women who agree. They’d rather get their “candy” in the form of a planned event – like a date night or a day trip just for the two of them…where he holds her hand and they laugh together. And they’d love “flowers” in the form of more shared responsibility for the house, shopping and kids.
Last week my guy filled the soap dispensers…just because they were empty, and without being asked. Yesterday he helped me get something ready for a training program I’m doing next week. I can count on him to show me that I’m important in his life, and that what’s important to him is important to me.
How about you? What non-store item says, “I love you” to you?
It's not that I don't like all that stuff, but I don’t put all my expectations into one single day. This time last year, my sweetie and I were driving through a snowstorm to pick up his mother from a nursing home to take her back to her assisted living apartment. By the time we got home, we were physically and emotionally drained. We had a quick bite and watched a funny DVD, during which we both fell asleep. Happy Valentine’s Day…!
I think the truth is that what every woman really wants is the love that Valentine’s Day promises, as well as its implied intimacy. Merely buying a card, flowers, or lingerie can’t make that happen. It’s like foreplay…if your man doesn’t make enough time for it, the big event itself is falls flat…and nothing else really matters. Even diamonds can’t make up for the emptiness resulting from thoughtlessness or casual disregard.
I talk to a lot of women who agree. They’d rather get their “candy” in the form of a planned event – like a date night or a day trip just for the two of them…where he holds her hand and they laugh together. And they’d love “flowers” in the form of more shared responsibility for the house, shopping and kids.
Last week my guy filled the soap dispensers…just because they were empty, and without being asked. Yesterday he helped me get something ready for a training program I’m doing next week. I can count on him to show me that I’m important in his life, and that what’s important to him is important to me.
How about you? What non-store item says, “I love you” to you?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Black Women and the Election: In Today's News
If I was an African-American woman, I'd be pretty steamed with the news media right now. In fact, I'm not one, but I'm fired up on their behalf!
If you've been following the very tight Democratic primary races, you know that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are in a dead heat for their party's nomination. As we approach the "super Tuesday" primaries, nearly every news outlet has made a point to highlight the black woman's quandry of whether to choose her race or her gender as she votes.
Are they kidding??
Don't they think there are any intelligent black women anywhere in this country...or at least in the super Tuesday states? Do they think that black women are that uninformed or ignorant that their only criteria is race or gender??
While it's true that we are likely to vote for those who are most aligned with us, it's also true that we usually like some ideas of one candidate and some of another, and we have to choose. But to denigrate every African-American woman by telling us that their thought process is reduce to whether they will choose the black candidate or the woman? That is just insulting...to every woman.
Readers, make a point this year to prove the media and the political pundits wrong. In this most historical election, get so well-versed in the positions of the candidates that you'll embarranss anyone who wants to dumb you down to the superficial. When you choose the candidate who most closely aligns with your values, speak out on their behalf and give bullet point reasons for why you want them to be your president. Show your smarts to the world...and make them eat their small-minded words!
In victory,
Annmarie
If you've been following the very tight Democratic primary races, you know that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are in a dead heat for their party's nomination. As we approach the "super Tuesday" primaries, nearly every news outlet has made a point to highlight the black woman's quandry of whether to choose her race or her gender as she votes.
Are they kidding??
Don't they think there are any intelligent black women anywhere in this country...or at least in the super Tuesday states? Do they think that black women are that uninformed or ignorant that their only criteria is race or gender??
While it's true that we are likely to vote for those who are most aligned with us, it's also true that we usually like some ideas of one candidate and some of another, and we have to choose. But to denigrate every African-American woman by telling us that their thought process is reduce to whether they will choose the black candidate or the woman? That is just insulting...to every woman.
Readers, make a point this year to prove the media and the political pundits wrong. In this most historical election, get so well-versed in the positions of the candidates that you'll embarranss anyone who wants to dumb you down to the superficial. When you choose the candidate who most closely aligns with your values, speak out on their behalf and give bullet point reasons for why you want them to be your president. Show your smarts to the world...and make them eat their small-minded words!
In victory,
Annmarie
Friday, December 28, 2007
Benazir Bhutto: In Today's News
This morning I talked with a woman who didn't know Benazir Bhutto was assassinated. In fact, didn't even know who Bhutto was. It surprised me because the stay-at-home mom is an intelligent woman. After we talked, I realized how many of you, my readers, are like her. You are busily going about your lives and not paying so much attention to politics. So, since I think it's important that you know something about Bhutto and why she is important to you, even in death, I'm telling you a little about her.
Benazir Bhutto grew up in a culture and a religion that doesn't honor women or democracy. When she was young, Bhutto's father told her to study the lives of strong women like Joan of Arc and Indira Gandhi. She did, and learned. She found victory in the way she broke through barriers and rose to prominence as a Muslim woman.
She lived in the United States during the hippy era of the early 1970's. She attended Harvard when she was just sixteen; her nickname was Pinky. She saw the freedom the American people had to protest their government and to voice dissenting opinions without being killed. She fell in love with democracy.
Later she lived in England and attended Oxford. She didn't plan to be in politics. However, her father was prime minister and was Pakistan's most democratized leader. He later founded the Pakistan People's Party (PPP). He was hanged in 1979 and, reportedly, Bhutto's life was never the same.
Over the years, Bhutto became known as a shrewed, flawed, and complicated woman - like many of us. She was a controversial politician, the first woman elected prime minister in the modern Muslim world. She was twice elected and twice driven from office, allegedly for corruption. Until last October, she lived in exile in England where she was raising her three children, products of a 1987 arranged marriage.
Earlier this year, Bhutto decided to return to Pakistan. She was on a mission to save her country. On the day Bhutto returned, she lived through her first assassination attempt. There were others. When the Today Show's Ann Curry interviewed her this past October, she asked Bhutto why she kept putting herself at risk. Bhutto explained that she and her supporters in Pakistan "believe in a cause. We want to save Pakistan and we think we can save it by saving democracy." She also believed, "Terrorists can dictate the agenda...by threatening violence, they can take over nations and destroy the quality of life...I have a choice to keep silent...and to allow the extremists to keep doing what they are doing, or I have a choice to stand up and say 'this is wrong.' I've taken the second choice." When Curry asked her if she regretted her decision, she said "everybody has to die sometime," but she hoped to live long enough to see her children marry and to enjoy her grandchildren. She didn't.
According to terrorism expert Eric Margolis, who was once Bhutto’s security adviser and later her friend said [in a Newsnet interview] that he will remember Bhutto as a woman of great inner strength, intelligence, self-reliance and “a remarkable woman” who “went through some hellish times." That could describe a lot of us, couldn't it?
You see, readers, Benazir Bhutto had her good and bad qualities. So do each of us. Yet, she wanted for herself many of the same mundane things that most of us want. At the same time, she held strong beliefs and did what many of us don't do, she spoke out against those things that she thought were wrong.
My "Bhutto Challenge" to you is to find something that you feel passionate about and speak up. Maybe you hate the way many ads treat women as though they are objects, or maybe you don't like how some friends/relatives/coworkers make you feel used and unappreciated. It can be something global or something personal, but choose to speak about it and change it in your world. When you do, your actions will have a ripple effect that will positively impact others in your life. Appreciate your courage and count your victory. Keep doing it and watch the victories add up.
In victory,
Annmarie
Benazir Bhutto grew up in a culture and a religion that doesn't honor women or democracy. When she was young, Bhutto's father told her to study the lives of strong women like Joan of Arc and Indira Gandhi. She did, and learned. She found victory in the way she broke through barriers and rose to prominence as a Muslim woman.
She lived in the United States during the hippy era of the early 1970's. She attended Harvard when she was just sixteen; her nickname was Pinky. She saw the freedom the American people had to protest their government and to voice dissenting opinions without being killed. She fell in love with democracy.
Later she lived in England and attended Oxford. She didn't plan to be in politics. However, her father was prime minister and was Pakistan's most democratized leader. He later founded the Pakistan People's Party (PPP). He was hanged in 1979 and, reportedly, Bhutto's life was never the same.
Over the years, Bhutto became known as a shrewed, flawed, and complicated woman - like many of us. She was a controversial politician, the first woman elected prime minister in the modern Muslim world. She was twice elected and twice driven from office, allegedly for corruption. Until last October, she lived in exile in England where she was raising her three children, products of a 1987 arranged marriage.
Earlier this year, Bhutto decided to return to Pakistan. She was on a mission to save her country. On the day Bhutto returned, she lived through her first assassination attempt. There were others. When the Today Show's Ann Curry interviewed her this past October, she asked Bhutto why she kept putting herself at risk. Bhutto explained that she and her supporters in Pakistan "believe in a cause. We want to save Pakistan and we think we can save it by saving democracy." She also believed, "Terrorists can dictate the agenda...by threatening violence, they can take over nations and destroy the quality of life...I have a choice to keep silent...and to allow the extremists to keep doing what they are doing, or I have a choice to stand up and say 'this is wrong.' I've taken the second choice." When Curry asked her if she regretted her decision, she said "everybody has to die sometime," but she hoped to live long enough to see her children marry and to enjoy her grandchildren. She didn't.
According to terrorism expert Eric Margolis, who was once Bhutto’s security adviser and later her friend said [in a Newsnet interview] that he will remember Bhutto as a woman of great inner strength, intelligence, self-reliance and “a remarkable woman” who “went through some hellish times." That could describe a lot of us, couldn't it?
You see, readers, Benazir Bhutto had her good and bad qualities. So do each of us. Yet, she wanted for herself many of the same mundane things that most of us want. At the same time, she held strong beliefs and did what many of us don't do, she spoke out against those things that she thought were wrong.
My "Bhutto Challenge" to you is to find something that you feel passionate about and speak up. Maybe you hate the way many ads treat women as though they are objects, or maybe you don't like how some friends/relatives/coworkers make you feel used and unappreciated. It can be something global or something personal, but choose to speak about it and change it in your world. When you do, your actions will have a ripple effect that will positively impact others in your life. Appreciate your courage and count your victory. Keep doing it and watch the victories add up.
In victory,
Annmarie
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
WAKE UP TO YOUR VICTORY!
It happens to all of us: We act unconsciously and don’t pay serious attention to the stuff that’s going on around us. There are a few reasons, including these:
- We’re really busy.
- We focus on accommodating everyone else in our life, BUT we don’t expect to be accommodated in return…so we get overwhelmed
- We get lulled into the security of what’s familiar (even when it’s not secure)
- We’re afraid that if admit we aren’t happy or are dissatisfied with what’s happening, we would want to change it…and change usually neither easy nor comfortable
Sound familiar? Of course it does. We all choose unconscious living sometimes.
Yet when we aren’t paying attention, we could be sabotaging our efforts and, as a result, cheating ourselves out of personal victory. Sometimes we might even be putting ourselves in danger.
This isn’t something new. I hear lots of stories that prove it, including this one about a woman I’ll call Tori:
Tori was married for over twenty years. It hadn’t been happy, almost from the beginning. Yet Tori had two children, felt stuck and stayed. She had more support for staying than for leaving, including a strong religious upbringing that said you had to stay married no matter what and a family that supported that philosophy. Both created a lot of guilt whenever Tori thought about getting a divorce.
Tori struggled to control her emotions as she told me her story, leading me through the steps she took to leave. She said she didn’t want anything from the house that had been her mental and emotional prison for so many years. So when she moved into a tiny apartment, she took only a bed and a small television. She got a job. With the support of her friends, who gave her furniture, food and even some money, Tori slowly got on her feet.
When I asked her what finally gave her the courage and the “push” to finally leave, Tori gave me a steely stair and said, “I woke up.”
To Tori, “waking up” meant that she finally decided she deserved better than living an unhappy existence with an abusive man. It’s the exact same thing Lilly told me happened for her during our interview for her chapter in my book, Victorious Woman! Lilly admitted she danced around the truth for a long time, and made excuse after excuse for the abusive behavior she tolerated. However, once she “woke up,” there was no going back. She had to take action. Lilly’s story in Victorious Woman! touches many women who are in marriages that include physical, verbal or emotional abuse.
If you are one of those women, now is the best time to WAKE UP! You can make your life different. Lilly, Tori and hundreds of other women have woken up to the true feelings and are living better, happier and healthier lives.
If you are living with domestic abuse, here are three things you can do today:
1 – Get emotional support by calling a domestic abuse hotline. Talk to someone anonymously and tell them your story.
2 – Compile resources. There is an agency right in your neighborhood. Find them. Call and learn what resources are available to you. These can include help with logistics, safe houses, help in getting a job and more.
3 – Make a plan. The sooner you have a plan, the sooner you will develop the confidence to leave.
Maybe you aren’t living in an abusive marriage, but you are unhappy with the way your life is going. You want more and better. You believe you deserve it. WAKE UP!
Once you WAKE UP and decide what you want instead of what you have, the steps are pretty much the same: get emotional support, compile resources and make a plan.
By the way, Tori’s story has a happy ending. Actually, it’s more like a happy middle. Today, she is blissfully remarried and a doting grandmother. She still gets fluttery when she talks about her spouse of nearly ten years. Tori’s only regret is that she didn’t wake up sooner. She says her life is better now than she ever could have imagined during those years. Tori’s looking forward to retiring and enjoying good times with her sweetie, children, grandkids and friends.
Victory doesn’t just come at the end of a long road. For you and me, and just as it was for Tori and Lilly, it is in the moment when you WAKE UP and decide to make a change. The first step of any journey is the hardest, but without it, nothing else happens. You can do it. As this year is ending, WAKE UP and you’ll find something better in the New Year.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Annmarie Kelly is offering two great teleseminars starting in January. Read more about them at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/tseminars.htm. Also, if you are in the greater Philadelphia area, you can join one of Annmarie Kelly’s Victory Teams that are now forming. There’s more information at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vteams.htm
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Freakonomics of Domestic Violence
Economics is about incentives, according to the authors of Freakonomics. I think about that whenever something happens in my life or in the news. Incentives were what Rafael Robb, a professor of economics at the University of Pennsylvania, must have been waiting for all year. ‘Tis the season.
Last December, Ellen Robb was viciously beaten to death. The damage was so devastating that, initially, police thought she had been shot in the face. All year Robb denied any involvement with the murder. He claimed the murder was the result of a home invasion and he was innocent. However, he was the primary suspect and was arrested.
This month, District Attorney Bruce Castor gave Rafael Robb an early Christmas present. Castor allowed Robb to plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter instead of first degree murder. Robb finally confessed. Earlier this week, Robb told a judge that he “just lost it” when the couple – who were separated but still living together – got into an argument over their daughter. He bashed Ellen Robb’s head and face repeatedly with an exercise bar.
As a result of the deal, Robb is likely to get away with as little as 4-6 years in prison versus life. I’m sure the economics expert understood the incentive. The fifty-seven year old man will be out of jail just around the time he can retire and collect social security.
There are a lot of women on Philadelphia’s Main Line who are not only angry, but frightened. Bruce Castor has sent a frightening message to men: if you lose your temper, commit intimate homicide and are willing to confess, you can avoid a long and revealing trial, get a deal and serve less jail time than some crooks.
Domestic violence isn’t just for the poor or the uneducated. Behind the doors of many upscale suburban homes, there are countless incidents of domestic abuse. Money and power buy pretty things, but they also often support controlling behaviors. The greatest fear of people with controlling behaviors is not having control. When they feel someone else is ignoring them or getting control, they are easily incensed and their anger escalates easily and quickly. Shortly before her murder, Ellen Robb had supposedly just gotten an apartment, was moving out and beginning divorce proceedings.
Ironically, just a few weeks ago, DA Bruce Castor received an award from Laurel House, an emergency domestic violence shelter in the Philadelphia suburbs. It wasn’t the first such award for Castor. I was there and I was impressed by Castor. Now I’m confused…and asking what happened to Castor’s supposedly strong position against domestic violence.
There is no justification for domestic abuse. A fit of rage is a demonstration of terrible behavior and is often a sample of what a controlling person uses to gain and keep control over someone else. Murder is taking a life. It shouldn’t be bargained away. Makes me wonder about the Freakonomics of it.
Last December, Ellen Robb was viciously beaten to death. The damage was so devastating that, initially, police thought she had been shot in the face. All year Robb denied any involvement with the murder. He claimed the murder was the result of a home invasion and he was innocent. However, he was the primary suspect and was arrested.
This month, District Attorney Bruce Castor gave Rafael Robb an early Christmas present. Castor allowed Robb to plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter instead of first degree murder. Robb finally confessed. Earlier this week, Robb told a judge that he “just lost it” when the couple – who were separated but still living together – got into an argument over their daughter. He bashed Ellen Robb’s head and face repeatedly with an exercise bar.
As a result of the deal, Robb is likely to get away with as little as 4-6 years in prison versus life. I’m sure the economics expert understood the incentive. The fifty-seven year old man will be out of jail just around the time he can retire and collect social security.
There are a lot of women on Philadelphia’s Main Line who are not only angry, but frightened. Bruce Castor has sent a frightening message to men: if you lose your temper, commit intimate homicide and are willing to confess, you can avoid a long and revealing trial, get a deal and serve less jail time than some crooks.
Domestic violence isn’t just for the poor or the uneducated. Behind the doors of many upscale suburban homes, there are countless incidents of domestic abuse. Money and power buy pretty things, but they also often support controlling behaviors. The greatest fear of people with controlling behaviors is not having control. When they feel someone else is ignoring them or getting control, they are easily incensed and their anger escalates easily and quickly. Shortly before her murder, Ellen Robb had supposedly just gotten an apartment, was moving out and beginning divorce proceedings.
Ironically, just a few weeks ago, DA Bruce Castor received an award from Laurel House, an emergency domestic violence shelter in the Philadelphia suburbs. It wasn’t the first such award for Castor. I was there and I was impressed by Castor. Now I’m confused…and asking what happened to Castor’s supposedly strong position against domestic violence.
There is no justification for domestic abuse. A fit of rage is a demonstration of terrible behavior and is often a sample of what a controlling person uses to gain and keep control over someone else. Murder is taking a life. It shouldn’t be bargained away. Makes me wonder about the Freakonomics of it.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Hillary Clinton - AGAIN! In Today's News
It happened again. This time it was John McCain who took heat for NOT chastising a woman who referred to Hillary Clinton as a bitch. Why?? Would they have expected him to chastise his questioner if she called one of McCain’s other competitors a bastard?
As women, we should be demanding that all this double standard and a notion of “kid glove” treatment for a woman in presidential politics stop now. It is the surest way to keep them male-dominated.
Mrs. Clinton herself said she gets why the men are going after her. It isn’t because she is a woman, but be cause she is in the lead in her party. She said that she isn’t going to play the gender card, but “the winning card.” Good for her!
That’s what victory is about for you and me…stretching ourselves past our current limits to be all that we want to and dream about being…whether winning means feeling respected in our marriage, getting that promotion…or running for president.
Victory is what we all need to focus on in our lives – and not allow anyone to demean or belittle our efforts.
NOTE: Before blogging was popular, I also had an opinion of Hillary Clinton. I was scathing in my criticism of her for getting sucked into the web of betrayal that her spouse, then President Clinton, wove for her. Though during his campaign she has insisted that she wasn’t “some Tammy Wynette Stand by Your Man” kind of woman, her behavior showed otherwise.
As much as I think her current step up into presidential politics is good for women, I think she hurt women badly by choosing to deny that she was married to a philandering spouse and choosing instead to blame the “vast right-wing conspiracy” for [what his spouse told her was] a fabrication. When Bill Clinton embarrassed her in pubic, she stood by him…and there are a lot of abused women who are doing the same and using Hillary Clinton as their model.
As women, we should be demanding that all this double standard and a notion of “kid glove” treatment for a woman in presidential politics stop now. It is the surest way to keep them male-dominated.
Mrs. Clinton herself said she gets why the men are going after her. It isn’t because she is a woman, but be cause she is in the lead in her party. She said that she isn’t going to play the gender card, but “the winning card.” Good for her!
That’s what victory is about for you and me…stretching ourselves past our current limits to be all that we want to and dream about being…whether winning means feeling respected in our marriage, getting that promotion…or running for president.
Victory is what we all need to focus on in our lives – and not allow anyone to demean or belittle our efforts.
NOTE: Before blogging was popular, I also had an opinion of Hillary Clinton. I was scathing in my criticism of her for getting sucked into the web of betrayal that her spouse, then President Clinton, wove for her. Though during his campaign she has insisted that she wasn’t “some Tammy Wynette Stand by Your Man” kind of woman, her behavior showed otherwise.
As much as I think her current step up into presidential politics is good for women, I think she hurt women badly by choosing to deny that she was married to a philandering spouse and choosing instead to blame the “vast right-wing conspiracy” for [what his spouse told her was] a fabrication. When Bill Clinton embarrassed her in pubic, she stood by him…and there are a lot of abused women who are doing the same and using Hillary Clinton as their model.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Hillary Clinton a Victim?? In Today's News
Last week’s Democratic debate was typical: the closer to primaries, the harder the candidates go after each other. Yet I keep hearing people, in the media and in person, say it wasn’t fair how all those mean guys ganged up on the solitary woman.
Here’s why every woman – including you – should be concerned with that attitude: this is an old, old message that’s designed to distort, distract and debilitate a woman’s worth and ability.
When you hear the “poor Hillary” message, listen carefully at what’s really being said. Consider the underlying message to Hillary and any other woman with enough guts to run for president: you just can’t compete with men.
For just a moment, close your eyes and picture John Wayne in one of his old movies. If you do, you might be able to hear some chauvinist voice saying, “sure, little woman, if you want to mess around with little bits of power or authority like in business or low level politics, then go ahead. But just be careful. Running for a big job like president will get rough and you’re gonna break a nail or somethin’. C’mon, you saw what happened when you tried to compete with the big boys in their game…they just chewed you up and spit you out, poor thing. You can’t win.”
It’s HOGWASH. Whether you like Hillary Clinton and her politics or not, refuse to let anyone let you think of any debate as though big, bad guys are ganging up on the little woman. Stop that kind of talk as soon as it gets started.
Here are two things you can tell anyone – man or woman – if they start making “poor Hillary” comments:
1 - Hillary Clinton is no victim. Like any woman with as much experience in her field as Hillary Clinton has, she knew what she was getting into when she got into the presidential race. As the first serious female presidential hopeful, she knows it is going to be tough. As former first lady, she knows it’s going to be rough. She was ready.
Granted, the debate may not have gone well for her, but it doesn’t always go well for every candidate every time. It won’t always go well for our new president either – especially when s/he is in the global wrestling ring with world leaders who disagree.
2 - Obama and Edwards went after Clinton. “The gloves were off,” nearly every news station announced. So what? The job of every one of those candidates was to showcase themselves and prove that they are better than any other candidate. There was no surprise that they went after the apparent frontrunner.
If a woman becomes president – at any future time - do you think an Ahmadinejad would go easier on her? Of course not. Every president needs to be tough…and standing up to the political rivals is just a first stage of being tough.
Whether she wins or loses, Hillary Clinton broke through a glass ceiling for every prospective female candidate. That alone is a victory for her…and for you and me. Don’t let anyone, including you, minimize that victory. If you let her become a “poor thing” you will be doing her – and yourself – a great disservice.
Here’s why every woman – including you – should be concerned with that attitude: this is an old, old message that’s designed to distort, distract and debilitate a woman’s worth and ability.
When you hear the “poor Hillary” message, listen carefully at what’s really being said. Consider the underlying message to Hillary and any other woman with enough guts to run for president: you just can’t compete with men.
For just a moment, close your eyes and picture John Wayne in one of his old movies. If you do, you might be able to hear some chauvinist voice saying, “sure, little woman, if you want to mess around with little bits of power or authority like in business or low level politics, then go ahead. But just be careful. Running for a big job like president will get rough and you’re gonna break a nail or somethin’. C’mon, you saw what happened when you tried to compete with the big boys in their game…they just chewed you up and spit you out, poor thing. You can’t win.”
It’s HOGWASH. Whether you like Hillary Clinton and her politics or not, refuse to let anyone let you think of any debate as though big, bad guys are ganging up on the little woman. Stop that kind of talk as soon as it gets started.
Here are two things you can tell anyone – man or woman – if they start making “poor Hillary” comments:
1 - Hillary Clinton is no victim. Like any woman with as much experience in her field as Hillary Clinton has, she knew what she was getting into when she got into the presidential race. As the first serious female presidential hopeful, she knows it is going to be tough. As former first lady, she knows it’s going to be rough. She was ready.
Granted, the debate may not have gone well for her, but it doesn’t always go well for every candidate every time. It won’t always go well for our new president either – especially when s/he is in the global wrestling ring with world leaders who disagree.
2 - Obama and Edwards went after Clinton. “The gloves were off,” nearly every news station announced. So what? The job of every one of those candidates was to showcase themselves and prove that they are better than any other candidate. There was no surprise that they went after the apparent frontrunner.
If a woman becomes president – at any future time - do you think an Ahmadinejad would go easier on her? Of course not. Every president needs to be tough…and standing up to the political rivals is just a first stage of being tough.
Whether she wins or loses, Hillary Clinton broke through a glass ceiling for every prospective female candidate. That alone is a victory for her…and for you and me. Don’t let anyone, including you, minimize that victory. If you let her become a “poor thing” you will be doing her – and yourself – a great disservice.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Brooklyn Bridge
Victory is SWEET!
Whenever I have a victory, I make some time to celebrate it. Recently, I completed a very difficult, often overwhelming project that took two years to finish. Achieving my goal required a focus, faith, patience, and stamina that was way out of my comfort zone. It's that internal stretch that's my victory. That's what I celebrate: moving the boundaries of my comfort zone. That movement increases my confidence so that when doors to new opportunities open, I have the guts to walk through them.
My "victory dance" usually includes some fun stuff with those who helped me along. We get together for some good cheer, I usually make a toast with my favorite spirit and we enjoy high fives all around. I finish my celebration with a walk across a bridge. Yes, that's right, a bridge. And, the bigger the victory, the bigger the bridge.
My victory walk across a bridge does two things for me. First, it symbolizes leaving the old, crossing over something big, and going to a new place. Secondly, since heights are a bit of challenge for me, it anchors my belief that I am stronger than any fear or challenge.
So, to celebrate this latest victory, I chose the Brooklyn Bridge in New York. In early October, on a warm and sunny, perfect-weather-for-bridge-walking Saturday, I made the two-hour drive to Manhattan so I could anchor in my latest victory.
If you’ve ever been there or seen photos, you know how amazing it is! It’s one of the oldest suspension bridges in the United States, a National Historic Landmark that rises 135 feet above the water. Three towering stone arches connect the swag cables that support the mile-plus span that connects Manhattan and Brooklyn. Against the backdrop of skyscrapers, the bridge is a dramatic part of the New York skyline.
That day, when I got to the foot of the bridge on the Manhattan side, there it was, looming before me. For a moment, I watched the late morning crowd travel the boardwalk that's suspended high above and between the ease and west auto lanes. A little nervous but in true Victorious Woman style, I practically marched from Manhattan to Brooklyn. As I did, I felt confident and strong.
About two-thirds along, for some strange reason, I made the mistake of looking down. There, between the wooden planks of the walkway, I saw nothing but water beneath me…and it’s a long, long way down. I stopped in a panic and, at first, I got a little dizzy. Then I got control of my mind…of my SELF. Determined, I put one foot in front of the other, looked up and forward, and I finished my walk to Brooklyn…and then crossed it back to return to Manhattan.
When I thought about it later, I realized that’s how life is too. Sometimes we make an attempt at victory, but might get a little scared or maybe a bit overwhelmed or dizzy. While a task surely can be daunting, I’ve learned (and maybe you have too) that when we get really focused on the goal and the good that’s ahead, something inside us rallies and helps us do that one thing we really didn’t think was possible. And that's what makes a victory so sweet!
What you do when you’ve overcome challenges and pushed past your fears so you can become an expanded version of your already wonderful SELF? I’d love to hear how you celebrate victory! Send your idea to info@victoriouswoman.com and I’ll enter your name in a drawing for a copy of my book, Victorious Woman, Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Victoriously,
Annmarie
Whenever I have a victory, I make some time to celebrate it. Recently, I completed a very difficult, often overwhelming project that took two years to finish. Achieving my goal required a focus, faith, patience, and stamina that was way out of my comfort zone. It's that internal stretch that's my victory. That's what I celebrate: moving the boundaries of my comfort zone. That movement increases my confidence so that when doors to new opportunities open, I have the guts to walk through them.
My "victory dance" usually includes some fun stuff with those who helped me along. We get together for some good cheer, I usually make a toast with my favorite spirit and we enjoy high fives all around. I finish my celebration with a walk across a bridge. Yes, that's right, a bridge. And, the bigger the victory, the bigger the bridge.
My victory walk across a bridge does two things for me. First, it symbolizes leaving the old, crossing over something big, and going to a new place. Secondly, since heights are a bit of challenge for me, it anchors my belief that I am stronger than any fear or challenge.
So, to celebrate this latest victory, I chose the Brooklyn Bridge in New York. In early October, on a warm and sunny, perfect-weather-for-bridge-walking Saturday, I made the two-hour drive to Manhattan so I could anchor in my latest victory.
If you’ve ever been there or seen photos, you know how amazing it is! It’s one of the oldest suspension bridges in the United States, a National Historic Landmark that rises 135 feet above the water. Three towering stone arches connect the swag cables that support the mile-plus span that connects Manhattan and Brooklyn. Against the backdrop of skyscrapers, the bridge is a dramatic part of the New York skyline.
That day, when I got to the foot of the bridge on the Manhattan side, there it was, looming before me. For a moment, I watched the late morning crowd travel the boardwalk that's suspended high above and between the ease and west auto lanes. A little nervous but in true Victorious Woman style, I practically marched from Manhattan to Brooklyn. As I did, I felt confident and strong.
About two-thirds along, for some strange reason, I made the mistake of looking down. There, between the wooden planks of the walkway, I saw nothing but water beneath me…and it’s a long, long way down. I stopped in a panic and, at first, I got a little dizzy. Then I got control of my mind…of my SELF. Determined, I put one foot in front of the other, looked up and forward, and I finished my walk to Brooklyn…and then crossed it back to return to Manhattan.
When I thought about it later, I realized that’s how life is too. Sometimes we make an attempt at victory, but might get a little scared or maybe a bit overwhelmed or dizzy. While a task surely can be daunting, I’ve learned (and maybe you have too) that when we get really focused on the goal and the good that’s ahead, something inside us rallies and helps us do that one thing we really didn’t think was possible. And that's what makes a victory so sweet!
What you do when you’ve overcome challenges and pushed past your fears so you can become an expanded version of your already wonderful SELF? I’d love to hear how you celebrate victory! Send your idea to info@victoriouswoman.com and I’ll enter your name in a drawing for a copy of my book, Victorious Woman, Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Victoriously,
Annmarie
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Women, Religion and Victory
I’ve had some interesting emails lately. One in particular aggitated me. It was from a woman who left a verbally abusive marriage after thirty-one years. When she left, her church pastor – you know, the person who is supposed to provide spiritual guidance - put her picture on the large screen of the church floor with the caption: "Conduct Unbecoming A Child of God." You might question whether this “holy man” was living in the Dark Ages or presume it’s an isolated case of a clergyman gone goofy-fanatical.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this kind of story. I’ve talked to many women who sought help through their church, only to be told they had an obligation to stay with the man who was hurting them. In one case, the man tried everything to get the woman back. When nothing worked, he asked a priest to visit her. The priest told the woman she was committing a sin against God. He told her to go back to her abusive husband and offer her suffering up to Christ. She did, and lived in fear and disrespect with him for over thirty years.
So, good readers, I’m sharing my view on love, abuse and God. First of all, love doesn’t harm. It isn’t always pretty and romantic, but it doesn’t damage your self-esteem, your self-worth or put you in physical danger. If you are in a relationship that does – whether through verbal, mental or emotional abuse – get out…NOW! Or, at least make a plan to get out.
Secondly, if you believe in God and that you have a soul, then you can be sure of this: your soul is the spark of God in you. You are obliged to honor and nurture that spark. Allowing anyone – you included – to desecrate that spark is wrong. So, if someone is bullying you, or disrespecting you in some way, they are doing it to the God-in-you. If you staying in a relationship with a spouse, child, sibling, coworker or anyone who tries to extinguish that spark, then you aren’t caring or nurturing the spark that is God-in-you.
Finally, any religious who tells you to tolerate abuse isn’t just wrong…they are a disgrace to the religion and the God they profess to honor.
Lessons Learned: When I was educated to the fact that I’m supposed to protect the God-in-me, it made a huge difference in my development. I grew up with one physically abusive brother. In addition, it was a competition between me and my siblings to see who could “zing” someone the best. The more verbally or emotionally abusive you comments were, the better...you won.
When I went out on my own, and had better inforation about life and love, I felt obligated to stand up and speak up. I came to believe that it wasn’t just about me alone, but also about honoring the God-in-me. I chose to change myself first, then find people who were better matches for how I wanted to live. As is always the process…and the journey…I changed my thinking, then I changed my behavior. It was one of the stepping stones that helped me to get to victory.
I hope it will be one of yours.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this kind of story. I’ve talked to many women who sought help through their church, only to be told they had an obligation to stay with the man who was hurting them. In one case, the man tried everything to get the woman back. When nothing worked, he asked a priest to visit her. The priest told the woman she was committing a sin against God. He told her to go back to her abusive husband and offer her suffering up to Christ. She did, and lived in fear and disrespect with him for over thirty years.
So, good readers, I’m sharing my view on love, abuse and God. First of all, love doesn’t harm. It isn’t always pretty and romantic, but it doesn’t damage your self-esteem, your self-worth or put you in physical danger. If you are in a relationship that does – whether through verbal, mental or emotional abuse – get out…NOW! Or, at least make a plan to get out.
Secondly, if you believe in God and that you have a soul, then you can be sure of this: your soul is the spark of God in you. You are obliged to honor and nurture that spark. Allowing anyone – you included – to desecrate that spark is wrong. So, if someone is bullying you, or disrespecting you in some way, they are doing it to the God-in-you. If you staying in a relationship with a spouse, child, sibling, coworker or anyone who tries to extinguish that spark, then you aren’t caring or nurturing the spark that is God-in-you.
Finally, any religious who tells you to tolerate abuse isn’t just wrong…they are a disgrace to the religion and the God they profess to honor.
Lessons Learned: When I was educated to the fact that I’m supposed to protect the God-in-me, it made a huge difference in my development. I grew up with one physically abusive brother. In addition, it was a competition between me and my siblings to see who could “zing” someone the best. The more verbally or emotionally abusive you comments were, the better...you won.
When I went out on my own, and had better inforation about life and love, I felt obligated to stand up and speak up. I came to believe that it wasn’t just about me alone, but also about honoring the God-in-me. I chose to change myself first, then find people who were better matches for how I wanted to live. As is always the process…and the journey…I changed my thinking, then I changed my behavior. It was one of the stepping stones that helped me to get to victory.
I hope it will be one of yours.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
How Scary is Change?
If you ever think that you have no other choice but to just survive your life…that change is too hard or costs too much…here’s a story for you.
Jordan always wanted the most she could get from life. She lived on the cutting edge. When the feminist movement started, she took her two small children, left an unhappy marriage and went back to school. Eventually she earned her doctorate, became an advocate of the self-improvement, a local leader in the human potential movement. She started her own business, married again and had another child.
As a working mother, Jordan did her best to raise her children in a most loving way and with good self-esttem. As an executive, she developed her firm into one of the most well-known, respected and successful companies of its kind in the country. She was a powerful woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and get what she wanted. That is, except for one thing….her prefect life was a façade.
You see, readers, she did what so many of women do: She carefully organized her life around some fantasy ideal that didn’t really satisfy her true self. I don’t know exactly how that happens, but it does. I don’t know if the culprits are cultural, religious, from the family, subtle messages in advertising or other media, or from inside of us. Probably, it’s a combination of all of them.
Façade lifestyles aren't only for the rich or poor or delusional. They are found in every walk of life from the consummate corporate executive to the earth mother stay-at-home moms to sex and the city single women and even with sorority and anti-sorority college students. In fact, the characteristics of facade lifestyles are at the foundation of the “Surviving Woman” Stepping Stone, as detailed in my book.
In Jordan's case, she crafted a façade of power and prestige (P&P). She only added people to her life that enhanced her P&P quotient. Through the years, she met some incredibly powerful people and could tell great stories about a myriad of international P&P colleagues and acquaintances. Though she was a kind and giving person, her second marriage to a demanding and arrogant, but P&P-qualified man, ended when his behaviors, and his alcoholism, became overwhelming.
Around the same time, Jordan was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only then did she begin to drop her mask. Only then did she fully release the warm, fun-loving but love-starved woman inside. She let go of some of her perfectionist tendencies and opened herself up to the broadest range of possibilities. Instead of surrounding herself with, and seeking kudos from, the influential, she relaxed into the comfort of those who accepted her as she was.
Over the next months and years, her children came to see her vulnerabilities. She found out it didn’t matter. She fell in love with a burly fireman (with virtually no P&P) who thought she was the best thing ever (and she was!). As she became more of her real self, she included only those people and things she really wanted. Those were the happiest days of her life.
For eight years, Jordan fought breast and then brain cancer courageously. Towards the end, though she knew her time was limited, she forged ahead and made the most of it. She died only days after returning from a European vacation that included family and friends…and lots of love. She was buried in a funky skirt, jacket and necklace – none of which had a designer label, but were so totally fun that most mourners laughed in approval…or at least smiled. I surely did. And I could almost swear to you that I saw her breathing. Of course, I didn't, but that's how strong her presence was, even in death.
What’s the lesson of Jordan? Don't wait until you are dying to live your REAL life instead of some storyboarded version of what you think a woman’s life should be. Go after what you truly want…and don’t forget to love yourself in the process.
Each of us has a different path and the most important thing we have to do is find the path and follow it. It’s what we have to do for ourselves, and what we have to teach our children.
I’m telling Jordan’s story today because her spirit is still so strong that she keeps coming to me and pushing me to write this to you. I hope her indomitable spirit reaches you and encourages you to give up just surviving your life, and get on your path to finding your most satisfying, happiest life…and not wait until you are dying to do it.
Victoriously speaking,
Annmarie
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Jordan always wanted the most she could get from life. She lived on the cutting edge. When the feminist movement started, she took her two small children, left an unhappy marriage and went back to school. Eventually she earned her doctorate, became an advocate of the self-improvement, a local leader in the human potential movement. She started her own business, married again and had another child.
As a working mother, Jordan did her best to raise her children in a most loving way and with good self-esttem. As an executive, she developed her firm into one of the most well-known, respected and successful companies of its kind in the country. She was a powerful woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and get what she wanted. That is, except for one thing….her prefect life was a façade.
You see, readers, she did what so many of women do: She carefully organized her life around some fantasy ideal that didn’t really satisfy her true self. I don’t know exactly how that happens, but it does. I don’t know if the culprits are cultural, religious, from the family, subtle messages in advertising or other media, or from inside of us. Probably, it’s a combination of all of them.
Façade lifestyles aren't only for the rich or poor or delusional. They are found in every walk of life from the consummate corporate executive to the earth mother stay-at-home moms to sex and the city single women and even with sorority and anti-sorority college students. In fact, the characteristics of facade lifestyles are at the foundation of the “Surviving Woman” Stepping Stone, as detailed in my book.
In Jordan's case, she crafted a façade of power and prestige (P&P). She only added people to her life that enhanced her P&P quotient. Through the years, she met some incredibly powerful people and could tell great stories about a myriad of international P&P colleagues and acquaintances. Though she was a kind and giving person, her second marriage to a demanding and arrogant, but P&P-qualified man, ended when his behaviors, and his alcoholism, became overwhelming.
Around the same time, Jordan was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only then did she begin to drop her mask. Only then did she fully release the warm, fun-loving but love-starved woman inside. She let go of some of her perfectionist tendencies and opened herself up to the broadest range of possibilities. Instead of surrounding herself with, and seeking kudos from, the influential, she relaxed into the comfort of those who accepted her as she was.
Over the next months and years, her children came to see her vulnerabilities. She found out it didn’t matter. She fell in love with a burly fireman (with virtually no P&P) who thought she was the best thing ever (and she was!). As she became more of her real self, she included only those people and things she really wanted. Those were the happiest days of her life.
For eight years, Jordan fought breast and then brain cancer courageously. Towards the end, though she knew her time was limited, she forged ahead and made the most of it. She died only days after returning from a European vacation that included family and friends…and lots of love. She was buried in a funky skirt, jacket and necklace – none of which had a designer label, but were so totally fun that most mourners laughed in approval…or at least smiled. I surely did. And I could almost swear to you that I saw her breathing. Of course, I didn't, but that's how strong her presence was, even in death.
What’s the lesson of Jordan? Don't wait until you are dying to live your REAL life instead of some storyboarded version of what you think a woman’s life should be. Go after what you truly want…and don’t forget to love yourself in the process.
Each of us has a different path and the most important thing we have to do is find the path and follow it. It’s what we have to do for ourselves, and what we have to teach our children.
I’m telling Jordan’s story today because her spirit is still so strong that she keeps coming to me and pushing me to write this to you. I hope her indomitable spirit reaches you and encourages you to give up just surviving your life, and get on your path to finding your most satisfying, happiest life…and not wait until you are dying to do it.
Victoriously speaking,
Annmarie
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Power for Victory
Along with feedback for an article I wrote about dealing with public embarrassment, I received this email from a reader:
Two years ago I was dating a guy and he asked me for pictures of myself because we hardly saw each other. I took pictures in a lingerie and sent them to him, yesterday my friend calls me up to say she saw these pictures in a fwd email... am not vexed, am totally ashamed and humiliated. Please help me. Ashamed
Ouch! Don’t you wonder what you could have seen in such a sorry sot? Unfortunately, I don't even have to ask. I’ve been “madly in love” more times than I can count. I even got engaged to one of those enticing crushes. There’s an old cliché that says, “Love is blind, marriage opens the eyes.” Fortunately, my eyes got opened before the wedding. Though I was devastated for a while, the end of that relationship saved me the heartache of being disrespected, ignored and cheated on (which is what happened to the woman he finally did marry). Breaking up was hard for me to do, but when it was over…it was over.
That’s what I find different with dating now. The end of a relationship might be the beginning of a YouTube video or, as it is for you, some embarrassing email attachment that circulates around the world - with your pictures being downloaded and ogled by who knows who. While you took the pictures and voluntarily sent them, that isn’t always the case for everyone. With technology so affordable and easy-to-use, everything you say and do with a lover can become part of your permanent history – and all with just a simple click. It’s something every woman has to consider – especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
So, where do you go from here?
Well, what’s done is done. Maybe you have some legal recourse (you can try your local small claims court) but probably not. You have to face it. You made a mistake. Here are three things you - and other readers who experience something this distressing - can do now:
1 – Admit you made a mistake, tell others it was wrong and that you regret it.
When Paris Hilton made a big drinking and driving mistake, she paid a substantial price, both publicly and emotionally. Her experience prompted her to post a warning to her fans not to drink and drive. That’s kind of where you are. You took sexy pictures and sent them away. You’ll have to take your lumps, hopefully only in the form of teasing. If you focus on the future, you can and will move on. At the same time, you can use your experience to caution others not to take the same path.
2 - Vow never to make a similar mistake in the future.
When your boyfriend asked for pictures and you sent boudoir photos, you presumed they would always be for his eyes only. You were wrong. Sure, you won’t send photos again but that’s not the only decision you make that can come back to haunt you. What if he wanted a threesome, or didn’t want to wear a condom?
Every action has a consequence and it could be positive or negative. Whatever you do is going to have some result, and you have to live with whatever that is. It’s called The Law of Cause and Effect.
Your mistake was that you only considered that one possible outcome. Recently, you discovered that there were also other results. That simple gift of you gave a boyfriend came with a big price tag – your self-respect and public humiliation. It was fun then…not so much fun now.
So in the future, think things out, consider the possibilities before you make any kind of decision. Vow to think through at least two positive and two negative possible outcomes. Know your values and stick by them in your decision-making. Take risks, but make sure they make sense – that’s the head in the clouds, feet on the ground approach. It works, and will keep you out of trouble.
3 – Forgive yourself. Your embarrassment will die down in time and you’ll live to redeem your dignity. Give yourself the courtesy of letting this go, with the promise that you’ll be smarter next time.
If you don’t forgive yourself and forge ahead, you might ignore opportunities for future victories. Rather than wallow in shame, refuse to let one dopey guy and one bad decision take away your power or your future good.
If you follow these suggestions, and stick to your values, you are likely to get on the path of personal victory. As you do, I’m positive wonderful things can open up to you and your life will become better and better. It happened to me, so I’m sure it can happen to you.
Remember: Victory is contagious. I found victory the hard way…most of us do…and now I’m passing it along to you. Catch the spirit…and then you can pass it along too. ©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
If you want to take a next step, you have to get my free ecourse and follow the 7 steps for next month. Request it at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com
Two years ago I was dating a guy and he asked me for pictures of myself because we hardly saw each other. I took pictures in a lingerie and sent them to him, yesterday my friend calls me up to say she saw these pictures in a fwd email... am not vexed, am totally ashamed and humiliated. Please help me. Ashamed
Ouch! Don’t you wonder what you could have seen in such a sorry sot? Unfortunately, I don't even have to ask. I’ve been “madly in love” more times than I can count. I even got engaged to one of those enticing crushes. There’s an old cliché that says, “Love is blind, marriage opens the eyes.” Fortunately, my eyes got opened before the wedding. Though I was devastated for a while, the end of that relationship saved me the heartache of being disrespected, ignored and cheated on (which is what happened to the woman he finally did marry). Breaking up was hard for me to do, but when it was over…it was over.
That’s what I find different with dating now. The end of a relationship might be the beginning of a YouTube video or, as it is for you, some embarrassing email attachment that circulates around the world - with your pictures being downloaded and ogled by who knows who. While you took the pictures and voluntarily sent them, that isn’t always the case for everyone. With technology so affordable and easy-to-use, everything you say and do with a lover can become part of your permanent history – and all with just a simple click. It’s something every woman has to consider – especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
So, where do you go from here?
Well, what’s done is done. Maybe you have some legal recourse (you can try your local small claims court) but probably not. You have to face it. You made a mistake. Here are three things you - and other readers who experience something this distressing - can do now:
1 – Admit you made a mistake, tell others it was wrong and that you regret it.
When Paris Hilton made a big drinking and driving mistake, she paid a substantial price, both publicly and emotionally. Her experience prompted her to post a warning to her fans not to drink and drive. That’s kind of where you are. You took sexy pictures and sent them away. You’ll have to take your lumps, hopefully only in the form of teasing. If you focus on the future, you can and will move on. At the same time, you can use your experience to caution others not to take the same path.
2 - Vow never to make a similar mistake in the future.
When your boyfriend asked for pictures and you sent boudoir photos, you presumed they would always be for his eyes only. You were wrong. Sure, you won’t send photos again but that’s not the only decision you make that can come back to haunt you. What if he wanted a threesome, or didn’t want to wear a condom?
Every action has a consequence and it could be positive or negative. Whatever you do is going to have some result, and you have to live with whatever that is. It’s called The Law of Cause and Effect.
Your mistake was that you only considered that one possible outcome. Recently, you discovered that there were also other results. That simple gift of you gave a boyfriend came with a big price tag – your self-respect and public humiliation. It was fun then…not so much fun now.
So in the future, think things out, consider the possibilities before you make any kind of decision. Vow to think through at least two positive and two negative possible outcomes. Know your values and stick by them in your decision-making. Take risks, but make sure they make sense – that’s the head in the clouds, feet on the ground approach. It works, and will keep you out of trouble.
3 – Forgive yourself. Your embarrassment will die down in time and you’ll live to redeem your dignity. Give yourself the courtesy of letting this go, with the promise that you’ll be smarter next time.
If you don’t forgive yourself and forge ahead, you might ignore opportunities for future victories. Rather than wallow in shame, refuse to let one dopey guy and one bad decision take away your power or your future good.
If you follow these suggestions, and stick to your values, you are likely to get on the path of personal victory. As you do, I’m positive wonderful things can open up to you and your life will become better and better. It happened to me, so I’m sure it can happen to you.
Remember: Victory is contagious. I found victory the hard way…most of us do…and now I’m passing it along to you. Catch the spirit…and then you can pass it along too. ©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
If you want to take a next step, you have to get my free ecourse and follow the 7 steps for next month. Request it at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com
Monday, July 2, 2007
Are You Making Yourself a Victim?
I had the best email this morning from a young woman who is working abroad. She told me she's been thinking about her values, which is one of the topics in my ecourse. She's chosen three values that have the highest importance to her: family, travel, diversity. She plans to create her future around those values. I'm so excited for her!!
Why? Because her values will determine what really matters in her life. Behaviors follow values. When she knows what's most important, she'll know who and what to say 'yes' to and when to walk away.
Somebody smart (cannot recall who) once said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Your values are what you stand for. Think about it. If you value being authentic, you'll look for friends who like you just as you are. However, if you value acceptance at all costs, you'll do anything just so people will like you. In my coaching and workshops, I often see women with such a need to be accepted that they settle for whatever they can get in relationships, jobs, behaviors. Being authentic positions them for victory, while people-pleasing most often makes them victims.
What about you? Are you one of the many women and men who don't know what values are most important to them?
If you are, here's a starter question: Which do you value more, the latest fashion (or gadget) or financial peace? If you value the "stuff" then you are likely to spend your money and, unless you're Paris Hilton, you'll live with debt. I know a man who has to have the latest everything and brags about what he has to everyone he sees. He has taken from and hurt everyone who's ever cared about, loved or trusted him. He's a broken-down man with few friends and no substance...but he has storage bins full of stuff collecting dust (and costing money).
If that doesn't sound appealing, maybe you value financial peace. If you do, you are likely to pass on the instant gratification of new-new-new and instead live on what you earn and even put some money aside for future needs. One couple I know lives on a cash-only basis. Their house and cars are paid for, they put two children through college without debt, they travel occasionally and are still happy being together.
Which one sounds more like you...or are you someplace in between? If you think you're on the road to becoming like that guy instead of the couple, and want to make a change, here's the good stuff: if you don't like how your life is now, you can change it by simply starting with a change of your values. If you aren't sure what your values are, here are some you can consider: freedom, independence, self-esteem, love, joy, fun, balance, security, money, financial independence.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Spend some time this month thinking about and choosing the five values you are willing to organize your life around. If you want my ecourse, it's available free. Just send me an email at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com).
Why? Because her values will determine what really matters in her life. Behaviors follow values. When she knows what's most important, she'll know who and what to say 'yes' to and when to walk away.
Somebody smart (cannot recall who) once said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Your values are what you stand for. Think about it. If you value being authentic, you'll look for friends who like you just as you are. However, if you value acceptance at all costs, you'll do anything just so people will like you. In my coaching and workshops, I often see women with such a need to be accepted that they settle for whatever they can get in relationships, jobs, behaviors. Being authentic positions them for victory, while people-pleasing most often makes them victims.
What about you? Are you one of the many women and men who don't know what values are most important to them?
If you are, here's a starter question: Which do you value more, the latest fashion (or gadget) or financial peace? If you value the "stuff" then you are likely to spend your money and, unless you're Paris Hilton, you'll live with debt. I know a man who has to have the latest everything and brags about what he has to everyone he sees. He has taken from and hurt everyone who's ever cared about, loved or trusted him. He's a broken-down man with few friends and no substance...but he has storage bins full of stuff collecting dust (and costing money).
If that doesn't sound appealing, maybe you value financial peace. If you do, you are likely to pass on the instant gratification of new-new-new and instead live on what you earn and even put some money aside for future needs. One couple I know lives on a cash-only basis. Their house and cars are paid for, they put two children through college without debt, they travel occasionally and are still happy being together.
Which one sounds more like you...or are you someplace in between? If you think you're on the road to becoming like that guy instead of the couple, and want to make a change, here's the good stuff: if you don't like how your life is now, you can change it by simply starting with a change of your values. If you aren't sure what your values are, here are some you can consider: freedom, independence, self-esteem, love, joy, fun, balance, security, money, financial independence.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Spend some time this month thinking about and choosing the five values you are willing to organize your life around. If you want my ecourse, it's available free. Just send me an email at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com).
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