Along with feedback for an article I wrote about dealing with public embarrassment, I received this email from a reader:
Two years ago I was dating a guy and he asked me for pictures of myself because we hardly saw each other. I took pictures in a lingerie and sent them to him, yesterday my friend calls me up to say she saw these pictures in a fwd email... am not vexed, am totally ashamed and humiliated. Please help me. Ashamed
Ouch! Don’t you wonder what you could have seen in such a sorry sot? Unfortunately, I don't even have to ask. I’ve been “madly in love” more times than I can count. I even got engaged to one of those enticing crushes. There’s an old cliché that says, “Love is blind, marriage opens the eyes.” Fortunately, my eyes got opened before the wedding. Though I was devastated for a while, the end of that relationship saved me the heartache of being disrespected, ignored and cheated on (which is what happened to the woman he finally did marry). Breaking up was hard for me to do, but when it was over…it was over.
That’s what I find different with dating now. The end of a relationship might be the beginning of a YouTube video or, as it is for you, some embarrassing email attachment that circulates around the world - with your pictures being downloaded and ogled by who knows who. While you took the pictures and voluntarily sent them, that isn’t always the case for everyone. With technology so affordable and easy-to-use, everything you say and do with a lover can become part of your permanent history – and all with just a simple click. It’s something every woman has to consider – especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
So, where do you go from here?
Well, what’s done is done. Maybe you have some legal recourse (you can try your local small claims court) but probably not. You have to face it. You made a mistake. Here are three things you - and other readers who experience something this distressing - can do now:
1 – Admit you made a mistake, tell others it was wrong and that you regret it.
When Paris Hilton made a big drinking and driving mistake, she paid a substantial price, both publicly and emotionally. Her experience prompted her to post a warning to her fans not to drink and drive. That’s kind of where you are. You took sexy pictures and sent them away. You’ll have to take your lumps, hopefully only in the form of teasing. If you focus on the future, you can and will move on. At the same time, you can use your experience to caution others not to take the same path.
2 - Vow never to make a similar mistake in the future.
When your boyfriend asked for pictures and you sent boudoir photos, you presumed they would always be for his eyes only. You were wrong. Sure, you won’t send photos again but that’s not the only decision you make that can come back to haunt you. What if he wanted a threesome, or didn’t want to wear a condom?
Every action has a consequence and it could be positive or negative. Whatever you do is going to have some result, and you have to live with whatever that is. It’s called The Law of Cause and Effect.
Your mistake was that you only considered that one possible outcome. Recently, you discovered that there were also other results. That simple gift of you gave a boyfriend came with a big price tag – your self-respect and public humiliation. It was fun then…not so much fun now.
So in the future, think things out, consider the possibilities before you make any kind of decision. Vow to think through at least two positive and two negative possible outcomes. Know your values and stick by them in your decision-making. Take risks, but make sure they make sense – that’s the head in the clouds, feet on the ground approach. It works, and will keep you out of trouble.
3 – Forgive yourself. Your embarrassment will die down in time and you’ll live to redeem your dignity. Give yourself the courtesy of letting this go, with the promise that you’ll be smarter next time.
If you don’t forgive yourself and forge ahead, you might ignore opportunities for future victories. Rather than wallow in shame, refuse to let one dopey guy and one bad decision take away your power or your future good.
If you follow these suggestions, and stick to your values, you are likely to get on the path of personal victory. As you do, I’m positive wonderful things can open up to you and your life will become better and better. It happened to me, so I’m sure it can happen to you.
Remember: Victory is contagious. I found victory the hard way…most of us do…and now I’m passing it along to you. Catch the spirit…and then you can pass it along too. ©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
If you want to take a next step, you have to get my free ecourse and follow the 7 steps for next month. Request it at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
Are You Making Yourself a Victim?
I had the best email this morning from a young woman who is working abroad. She told me she's been thinking about her values, which is one of the topics in my ecourse. She's chosen three values that have the highest importance to her: family, travel, diversity. She plans to create her future around those values. I'm so excited for her!!
Why? Because her values will determine what really matters in her life. Behaviors follow values. When she knows what's most important, she'll know who and what to say 'yes' to and when to walk away.
Somebody smart (cannot recall who) once said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Your values are what you stand for. Think about it. If you value being authentic, you'll look for friends who like you just as you are. However, if you value acceptance at all costs, you'll do anything just so people will like you. In my coaching and workshops, I often see women with such a need to be accepted that they settle for whatever they can get in relationships, jobs, behaviors. Being authentic positions them for victory, while people-pleasing most often makes them victims.
What about you? Are you one of the many women and men who don't know what values are most important to them?
If you are, here's a starter question: Which do you value more, the latest fashion (or gadget) or financial peace? If you value the "stuff" then you are likely to spend your money and, unless you're Paris Hilton, you'll live with debt. I know a man who has to have the latest everything and brags about what he has to everyone he sees. He has taken from and hurt everyone who's ever cared about, loved or trusted him. He's a broken-down man with few friends and no substance...but he has storage bins full of stuff collecting dust (and costing money).
If that doesn't sound appealing, maybe you value financial peace. If you do, you are likely to pass on the instant gratification of new-new-new and instead live on what you earn and even put some money aside for future needs. One couple I know lives on a cash-only basis. Their house and cars are paid for, they put two children through college without debt, they travel occasionally and are still happy being together.
Which one sounds more like you...or are you someplace in between? If you think you're on the road to becoming like that guy instead of the couple, and want to make a change, here's the good stuff: if you don't like how your life is now, you can change it by simply starting with a change of your values. If you aren't sure what your values are, here are some you can consider: freedom, independence, self-esteem, love, joy, fun, balance, security, money, financial independence.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Spend some time this month thinking about and choosing the five values you are willing to organize your life around. If you want my ecourse, it's available free. Just send me an email at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com).
Why? Because her values will determine what really matters in her life. Behaviors follow values. When she knows what's most important, she'll know who and what to say 'yes' to and when to walk away.
Somebody smart (cannot recall who) once said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Your values are what you stand for. Think about it. If you value being authentic, you'll look for friends who like you just as you are. However, if you value acceptance at all costs, you'll do anything just so people will like you. In my coaching and workshops, I often see women with such a need to be accepted that they settle for whatever they can get in relationships, jobs, behaviors. Being authentic positions them for victory, while people-pleasing most often makes them victims.
What about you? Are you one of the many women and men who don't know what values are most important to them?
If you are, here's a starter question: Which do you value more, the latest fashion (or gadget) or financial peace? If you value the "stuff" then you are likely to spend your money and, unless you're Paris Hilton, you'll live with debt. I know a man who has to have the latest everything and brags about what he has to everyone he sees. He has taken from and hurt everyone who's ever cared about, loved or trusted him. He's a broken-down man with few friends and no substance...but he has storage bins full of stuff collecting dust (and costing money).
If that doesn't sound appealing, maybe you value financial peace. If you do, you are likely to pass on the instant gratification of new-new-new and instead live on what you earn and even put some money aside for future needs. One couple I know lives on a cash-only basis. Their house and cars are paid for, they put two children through college without debt, they travel occasionally and are still happy being together.
Which one sounds more like you...or are you someplace in between? If you think you're on the road to becoming like that guy instead of the couple, and want to make a change, here's the good stuff: if you don't like how your life is now, you can change it by simply starting with a change of your values. If you aren't sure what your values are, here are some you can consider: freedom, independence, self-esteem, love, joy, fun, balance, security, money, financial independence.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Spend some time this month thinking about and choosing the five values you are willing to organize your life around. If you want my ecourse, it's available free. Just send me an email at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com).
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