I’ve had some interesting emails lately. One in particular aggitated me. It was from a woman who left a verbally abusive marriage after thirty-one years. When she left, her church pastor – you know, the person who is supposed to provide spiritual guidance - put her picture on the large screen of the church floor with the caption: "Conduct Unbecoming A Child of God." You might question whether this “holy man” was living in the Dark Ages or presume it’s an isolated case of a clergyman gone goofy-fanatical.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this kind of story. I’ve talked to many women who sought help through their church, only to be told they had an obligation to stay with the man who was hurting them. In one case, the man tried everything to get the woman back. When nothing worked, he asked a priest to visit her. The priest told the woman she was committing a sin against God. He told her to go back to her abusive husband and offer her suffering up to Christ. She did, and lived in fear and disrespect with him for over thirty years.
So, good readers, I’m sharing my view on love, abuse and God. First of all, love doesn’t harm. It isn’t always pretty and romantic, but it doesn’t damage your self-esteem, your self-worth or put you in physical danger. If you are in a relationship that does – whether through verbal, mental or emotional abuse – get out…NOW! Or, at least make a plan to get out.
Secondly, if you believe in God and that you have a soul, then you can be sure of this: your soul is the spark of God in you. You are obliged to honor and nurture that spark. Allowing anyone – you included – to desecrate that spark is wrong. So, if someone is bullying you, or disrespecting you in some way, they are doing it to the God-in-you. If you staying in a relationship with a spouse, child, sibling, coworker or anyone who tries to extinguish that spark, then you aren’t caring or nurturing the spark that is God-in-you.
Finally, any religious who tells you to tolerate abuse isn’t just wrong…they are a disgrace to the religion and the God they profess to honor.
Lessons Learned: When I was educated to the fact that I’m supposed to protect the God-in-me, it made a huge difference in my development. I grew up with one physically abusive brother. In addition, it was a competition between me and my siblings to see who could “zing” someone the best. The more verbally or emotionally abusive you comments were, the better...you won.
When I went out on my own, and had better inforation about life and love, I felt obligated to stand up and speak up. I came to believe that it wasn’t just about me alone, but also about honoring the God-in-me. I chose to change myself first, then find people who were better matches for how I wanted to live. As is always the process…and the journey…I changed my thinking, then I changed my behavior. It was one of the stepping stones that helped me to get to victory.
I hope it will be one of yours.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
How Scary is Change?
If you ever think that you have no other choice but to just survive your life…that change is too hard or costs too much…here’s a story for you.
Jordan always wanted the most she could get from life. She lived on the cutting edge. When the feminist movement started, she took her two small children, left an unhappy marriage and went back to school. Eventually she earned her doctorate, became an advocate of the self-improvement, a local leader in the human potential movement. She started her own business, married again and had another child.
As a working mother, Jordan did her best to raise her children in a most loving way and with good self-esttem. As an executive, she developed her firm into one of the most well-known, respected and successful companies of its kind in the country. She was a powerful woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and get what she wanted. That is, except for one thing….her prefect life was a façade.
You see, readers, she did what so many of women do: She carefully organized her life around some fantasy ideal that didn’t really satisfy her true self. I don’t know exactly how that happens, but it does. I don’t know if the culprits are cultural, religious, from the family, subtle messages in advertising or other media, or from inside of us. Probably, it’s a combination of all of them.
Façade lifestyles aren't only for the rich or poor or delusional. They are found in every walk of life from the consummate corporate executive to the earth mother stay-at-home moms to sex and the city single women and even with sorority and anti-sorority college students. In fact, the characteristics of facade lifestyles are at the foundation of the “Surviving Woman” Stepping Stone, as detailed in my book.
In Jordan's case, she crafted a façade of power and prestige (P&P). She only added people to her life that enhanced her P&P quotient. Through the years, she met some incredibly powerful people and could tell great stories about a myriad of international P&P colleagues and acquaintances. Though she was a kind and giving person, her second marriage to a demanding and arrogant, but P&P-qualified man, ended when his behaviors, and his alcoholism, became overwhelming.
Around the same time, Jordan was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only then did she begin to drop her mask. Only then did she fully release the warm, fun-loving but love-starved woman inside. She let go of some of her perfectionist tendencies and opened herself up to the broadest range of possibilities. Instead of surrounding herself with, and seeking kudos from, the influential, she relaxed into the comfort of those who accepted her as she was.
Over the next months and years, her children came to see her vulnerabilities. She found out it didn’t matter. She fell in love with a burly fireman (with virtually no P&P) who thought she was the best thing ever (and she was!). As she became more of her real self, she included only those people and things she really wanted. Those were the happiest days of her life.
For eight years, Jordan fought breast and then brain cancer courageously. Towards the end, though she knew her time was limited, she forged ahead and made the most of it. She died only days after returning from a European vacation that included family and friends…and lots of love. She was buried in a funky skirt, jacket and necklace – none of which had a designer label, but were so totally fun that most mourners laughed in approval…or at least smiled. I surely did. And I could almost swear to you that I saw her breathing. Of course, I didn't, but that's how strong her presence was, even in death.
What’s the lesson of Jordan? Don't wait until you are dying to live your REAL life instead of some storyboarded version of what you think a woman’s life should be. Go after what you truly want…and don’t forget to love yourself in the process.
Each of us has a different path and the most important thing we have to do is find the path and follow it. It’s what we have to do for ourselves, and what we have to teach our children.
I’m telling Jordan’s story today because her spirit is still so strong that she keeps coming to me and pushing me to write this to you. I hope her indomitable spirit reaches you and encourages you to give up just surviving your life, and get on your path to finding your most satisfying, happiest life…and not wait until you are dying to do it.
Victoriously speaking,
Annmarie
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Jordan always wanted the most she could get from life. She lived on the cutting edge. When the feminist movement started, she took her two small children, left an unhappy marriage and went back to school. Eventually she earned her doctorate, became an advocate of the self-improvement, a local leader in the human potential movement. She started her own business, married again and had another child.
As a working mother, Jordan did her best to raise her children in a most loving way and with good self-esttem. As an executive, she developed her firm into one of the most well-known, respected and successful companies of its kind in the country. She was a powerful woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and get what she wanted. That is, except for one thing….her prefect life was a façade.
You see, readers, she did what so many of women do: She carefully organized her life around some fantasy ideal that didn’t really satisfy her true self. I don’t know exactly how that happens, but it does. I don’t know if the culprits are cultural, religious, from the family, subtle messages in advertising or other media, or from inside of us. Probably, it’s a combination of all of them.
Façade lifestyles aren't only for the rich or poor or delusional. They are found in every walk of life from the consummate corporate executive to the earth mother stay-at-home moms to sex and the city single women and even with sorority and anti-sorority college students. In fact, the characteristics of facade lifestyles are at the foundation of the “Surviving Woman” Stepping Stone, as detailed in my book.
In Jordan's case, she crafted a façade of power and prestige (P&P). She only added people to her life that enhanced her P&P quotient. Through the years, she met some incredibly powerful people and could tell great stories about a myriad of international P&P colleagues and acquaintances. Though she was a kind and giving person, her second marriage to a demanding and arrogant, but P&P-qualified man, ended when his behaviors, and his alcoholism, became overwhelming.
Around the same time, Jordan was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only then did she begin to drop her mask. Only then did she fully release the warm, fun-loving but love-starved woman inside. She let go of some of her perfectionist tendencies and opened herself up to the broadest range of possibilities. Instead of surrounding herself with, and seeking kudos from, the influential, she relaxed into the comfort of those who accepted her as she was.
Over the next months and years, her children came to see her vulnerabilities. She found out it didn’t matter. She fell in love with a burly fireman (with virtually no P&P) who thought she was the best thing ever (and she was!). As she became more of her real self, she included only those people and things she really wanted. Those were the happiest days of her life.
For eight years, Jordan fought breast and then brain cancer courageously. Towards the end, though she knew her time was limited, she forged ahead and made the most of it. She died only days after returning from a European vacation that included family and friends…and lots of love. She was buried in a funky skirt, jacket and necklace – none of which had a designer label, but were so totally fun that most mourners laughed in approval…or at least smiled. I surely did. And I could almost swear to you that I saw her breathing. Of course, I didn't, but that's how strong her presence was, even in death.
What’s the lesson of Jordan? Don't wait until you are dying to live your REAL life instead of some storyboarded version of what you think a woman’s life should be. Go after what you truly want…and don’t forget to love yourself in the process.
Each of us has a different path and the most important thing we have to do is find the path and follow it. It’s what we have to do for ourselves, and what we have to teach our children.
I’m telling Jordan’s story today because her spirit is still so strong that she keeps coming to me and pushing me to write this to you. I hope her indomitable spirit reaches you and encourages you to give up just surviving your life, and get on your path to finding your most satisfying, happiest life…and not wait until you are dying to do it.
Victoriously speaking,
Annmarie
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
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