Victorious Woman of the Month

MAY 2007

This month I made an interesting choice for Victorious Woman of the Month. She is a historical figure of sorts, and someone with a family connection to my past.

I chose a Catholic Saint, St. Rita of Cascia. She is an example of a woman whose dreams were deferred, but not denied.

As a result of the cultural mores of her day, Rita's own dream for her life seemed to be denied to her. She obediently did what her parents wanted and suffered through many years of a bad, abusive marriage. However, just like any modern-day Victorious Woman, when her life suddenly changed, she saw opening and fulfilled her dream.

St. Rita is the patron saint of lost, forgotten or impossible causes, marriage, and domestic abuse.

You can read her whole story, and my personal connection, at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm


Victorously speaking,
Annmarie

Your Victorious Woman Calendar Download it Today

In the last posting, I talked about the thirty-one day Victorious Woman Calendar. You can get your own from my website at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/calendar.htm. You'll find the calendar especially helpful if you are a women in transition going through a divorce, in a difficult predicament, thinking about getting back into the workplace, looking for a promotion, leaving your job...and more. It'll help you remember what's good about you and help you clean up some clutter.

While you are on the website, get some inspiration by reading about the Victorious Woman of the Month AND sign up for my complimentary quarterly newsletter . You can read previous issues at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/news.htm.

Enjoy this glorious month of victorious celebrations.
Have fun!
Annmarie

May is Victorious Woman Month! CELEBRATE

In 2004, the Chases Calendar of Events designated May as Victorious Woman Month because a woman’s victory is essential for her health, happiness and well-being. We set this month aside to “celebrate the woman who shaped life’s challenges into distinct victories.” As a victory strategist specializing in women who are in some form of transition, I am enthusiastically leading the charge.

Since the "official desingation" of Victorious Woman Month, I've been publishing the Victorious Woman Month Calendar. Each of the thirty-one days offers one idea to honor a woman you inspired you, do something that unclutters your mind or spirit or reminds you to take a moment to celebrate your own victories.

One of the most fun things I do during Victorious Woman month is celebrate with friends, neighbors and collegues at an annual open house. It's designed for networking and sharing victory.

I'm sharing how I do it with you so you can model it for your own Victorious Woman Party.
1 - Send invitaions through www.evite.com. Specify beginning and ending time. I choose a Friday night so women can come after work. I also invite the women to bring their significant others, if they choose. Many woman have interdependent relationships whose partners support their victories and cheer them on to more victory...so it seems natural that they could be part of a victory celebration.

2 - Include a survey question in your evite, such as "what's one victory you are most proud of and how was it a victory?"

3 - Ask guests to bring one food item to share;

4 - Supply wine and soda. You can also have beer and ice tea but keep it light and simple;

5 - Have name tags for guests: Ask for their name and something they can say about their victory (it's a great icebreaker);

6 - When guests arrive, greet them with a list of "instructions," e.g. 1- fill out a name tag, 2 - arrange the food they brought on a table, 3 - get yourself a drink and some food, 4 - introduce yourself to 3 people within the first 15 minutes.

The entire format of your Victorious Woman Celebration is designed to get people mingling and talking. The comment I most often hear is about how many amazing women attend...and how nice everyone is.

My Victorious Woman Celebration is May 4. When's yours? When you have it, please share it with us so we can applaud you for your efforts!

Victoriously,
Annmarie

SHRINKING TO FIT

ARE YOU DYING TO BE THIN? Literally??

As warm weather approaches, the "you have to shrink to fit" ads are everywhere. It makes me angry. The whole focus on being unnaturally thin is really out of hand. It should make you angry too!

Yesterday, I talked with a woman who told me she exercised 2-3 hours each day to lose weight. Last week I saw a woman who lost over 100lbs. who said she maintains her weight by exercising 3 hours a day. It takes a lot of effort for me to get in one hour.How do those women have that much time???

Those two women make time to exercise that much because thin is a primary focus of their lives. Similarly, Kelly Bliss, a former bulimic and April's Victorious Woman of the Month, said she used to spend hours each day throwing up. Like the first two women, she was desperate to be thin.

Here's why it makes me so furious: the pressure to be thin, typically directed at women, prevents us from being more of who we really want to be. Think about it. Presuming a woman is eating a healthy and balanced diet, exercising that much could only mean one of two things:
1 - She is working way too hard to maintain her weight, and is likely trying to force her body into a weight and shape that is too unrealistic for her natural type; or
2 - She is desperately unhappy. She's decided that being thin...and thinner...and thinner will make her happy. She's frantically trying to fill some black hole so she can have a meaningful life.

When you think about it, exercising 3 hours/day means 21 hours a week,(18 if you take a day off). Using that much time for exercising prevents you from doing anything else that is meaningful and that truly supports your personal or professional. Do you have any idea how much happiness or success you can create if you used those hours for your personal good??

In 21 hours/week, you could start a business, get a college degree, take your career to the next level, get a promotion at work, learn a new skill, be a volunteer for an organization that helps women in transition...the list goes on and on of good things you can do. Any of those activities, in addition to filling a woman's soul and raising your self-esteem, would also enable you to be more financially independent. That would give you more personal independence because you would have more choices in life.

Pushing women to be unnaturally thin, promoting an agenda that tells us that we have to shrink ourselves to fit some unrealistic cardboard image of attractive, is a subversive, 21st century way to keep women - YOU and ME - dependent, submissive and unable to shift our self-focus to anything else. The intention isn't any different from the travesty that has been perpetrated against women throughout the ages. The most frightening thing is that we let it happen to ourselves...and will continue to let it happen until we stay "stop" to the SHRINK TO FIT mentality.

What do you think?

VICTORY UP!

I recently had two reminders about the importance of intentions. One came from a woman following one of the sessions in my complimentary e-course(available by sending an email to ecourse@victoriouswoman.com). The other came while attending the Philadelphia Flower Show where several judged entries not only stated the name of the flower display, but the artists’ intention.

One thing you need to know is that intentions are not goals. Instead, intentions set the scene for an outcome. I was particularly struck how the artists at the flower show explained their intentions. One Tuscan-like display intended a quick return to their favorite paradise. Another intended the space be a reminder of “no worries and no cares in a beautiful atmosphere.” Still another intended, “I am relaxed and rejuvenated by the beauty of nature around me. Other intentions included being surrounded by friends, a life of passion, laughter and merriment wherever life leads, kinship with others, and undying love.

When you set a goal for your life, having an intention is a really important step in the process. Without it you could be steering yourself into disappointment. Have you ever heard of someone whose goal was to become a millionaire and, when they achieved it, they weren’t happy? That’s often because they had an intention that was at cross points with their goal. For example, an intention to have fun and travel doesn’t mix with a career path that requires a long-term or permanent 80-hour, always-on-call work week. Or, an intention to be a great mother who finds fulfillment being surrounded by loving family is thwarted by your can’t-say-no-to-anyone volunteer jobs that take so much time that you hardly ever even eat dinner with your family.

On the other hand, if you value personal satisfaction and intend to have a life that balances caring for others with self-fulfillment, you are likely to choose a career that enables you to do both – like being a teacher so you can be home when your kids are home. You may not make scads of money, at least not quickly, but you will be happier because you are matching what you value and intend with your life path. When you have congruency, you have happiness.

Are your intentions congruent with your goals? If not, how not? If they aren’t that’s why the stuff you want might not be showing up.

VICTORY UP!

In my previous post I explained the sabotaging Steppping Stones: Victim and Surviving. Now, read about the Stepping Stones that not only support your victories...they support your entire life!

Savvy aka Advancing: Takes herself and her development seriously. She expects others spouse/partner/children/etc. to also take her seriously. Interdependence is the key word for this stepping stone. This is the skillbuilding garden for growing victories.

Victorious: Makes time and space to boldly acknowledge victories. It doesn't matter if a victory means rising to the head of the company, overcoming fear of public speaking to make a presentation, or setting a boundary in order to gain more respect in the home.

Victory is something you do (not done by someone for you) that stretches you on the inside - doing something that is right and healthy for you but which you didn't think you could do. It's about getting past fear, criticism, disapproval or whatever else holds you back from being your best self.

Since we tend to occasionally move from one to another, it's really important to know TWO things:
1 - Which of the Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™ do you want to be on most of the time?
2 - Which one are you one most of the the time?

Knowing where you are, and where you want to be, is the key to developing a lifestyle that gets your started and keeps you going forward. It helps you choose what to keep, what to give away (and when), how to ask for help from your family, how much held to give...and when to pull back.

On which Stepping Stone am I most likely to find YOU, most of the time?

Think about it...
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Want to get started and keep going? Sign up for my free e-course at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com with "SEND ME MY FREE ECOURSE" in the subject line.

Victory UP!

In the past couple posts I wrote about the four Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™: Victorious ∙ Savvy ∙ Surviving ∙ Victim. The first two, Victorious and Savvy, are the Stepping Stones which support a woman in victory. The latter, Surviving and Victim, sabotage victory. Here's a brief description of the sabotaging stepping stones:

Victim: Makes bad choices, doesn't hold self accountable for what happens, always blames someone or something else for problems. It's the "poor me" stepping stone.

Surviving: Convinces herself that she is satisfied (or stuck with) the status quo. Often lives vicariously through others, like spouse/partner/children. Fixing them is easier than fixing herself. It's the "settling" stepping stone and is fraught with overcaring tendencies.

Do you see yourself in either one of these. An occasional victim or surviving moment is OK, but do you live there? Your words and behaviors tell the story. Watch what you say and do. Think about it. Be radically honest with yourself.

I'll tell you about savvy and victorious in the next post.

With my best intentions,
Annmarie

Victory Up! Stepping Up to Victory, Part II

My February 7 blog is the background for this posting. In it, in response to an email received at my Victorious Woman website, http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, I wrote about how a woman has the Power of Choice and can make a decision to refocus her life. I also included questions that she, or any of my readers, can use to help them step off the Victim Stepping Stone and into a better life. In this posting and the next, I’ll explain more about the Stepping Stones.

Victory Leaves Clues
When I researched women for my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories, I came to understand how strongly our lifestyle either supports or sabotages our victories. In interview after interview, I recognized the telltale signs of the Victorious Woman in the way she lived her life and the way she viewed her past (and present) challenges. Over time, I noticed specific patterns of thoughts and behaviors associated with different lifestyles. I grouped them together into four lifestyle choices. I called them STEPPING STONES because, while most of the time we take steps forward, we also occasionally step sideways or backward. Unfortunately, like my February 7 emailer, sometimes we get stuck in a lifestyle that isn’t good for us.

There are four Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™:
Victorious ∙ Savvy ∙ Surviving ∙ Victim

Since introducing the STEPPING STONES, I’ve received wonderful feedback from those who read Victorious Woman! attended one of my workshops or keynote addresses. What they tell me is that the STEPPING STONES showed them how their lifestyle – the small choices they made every day – either supported or sabotaged their goals, dreams, even their everyday routines. The STEPPING STONES showed them how to see their life differently and gave them a direction for moving forward.

With my workshop and teleseminar participants, once they have a direction, they utilize the Six Victory Skills to determine how to help themselves get stronger. Then, they apply the Victorious Woman Model for a practical approach for improving their lives.

I’ll share more STEPPING STONES information in my next post.
With the best intentions,
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
You can learn more about the Stepping Stones, Victory Skills, Victorious Woman Model AND read the encouraging and inspirational stories of nine women who earned the title Victorious Woman in my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories. Available at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm and bookstores everywhere.

Victory Up: Stepping Up to Victory

Recently, I received an email submission at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, my Victorious Woman website. In it, a woman writes about how her family dismissed her “like she didn't exist at all,” and was “given away like a used piece of furniture, no longer needed.” She doesn’t say how she was given away or by whom (adoption, spousal abandonment, ignored by her children…or something else). However, she says that she still carries the effects of abuse, neglect & abandonment 30 years later and refers to someone (presumably her) who, because of family members, “wakes up everyday of their life wishing that they were never born.”

Obviously, this woman is in great emotional pain. Her email ends wanting to know what I think of her family for treating her so badly. I have several responses, which I’ll address both to her and to my other readers.

First of all, the emailer only wants commentary on the people she believes wronged her. That makes me think she is choosing to live her life as a victim, a thought process (not a reality) that becomes a lifestyle filled with blame for others with an inordinate focus on self, and too much time spent indulging in self-pity. It’s unhealthy for any woman to use so much precious time focusing on and needing justification for past hurts. It’s far more beneficial and self-nourishing for a woman to put her thoughts on what she has control over – that is, working toward a happier, more compelling future. I believe spending each day (for 30 years!) regretting being born is a waste of time…and life.

Next, whenever I strategize with any woman about her life, it’s her victory (or potential victory) that I focus on more than anything else. None of us can change our past, but we can be victorious over it. The only way we can do that is by concentrating on the things we can change – about our behaviors or specific parts of our life, such as our work, family, leisure, etc.

So, if I was talking to you, I would ask these questions:
- Why do you want me to only focus on the other people, not you?
- What have you done to better your life, in spite of your family?
- What responsibility are you taking for your life?
- If you would become victorious over this situation, what would that look like?
- What are your current plans for self-improvement?
- What are you doing TODAY to make this day happy?

Whatever the answers, if you are a woman who feels victimized by life, you need to start believing that you have the POWER OF CHOICE. Everyone chooses whether to live in sadness, depression and regret OR chooses to give up the victim lifestyle and make a better life. Quit looking for acceptance from people who don’t, and maybe can’t, give it.

Look instead to the future and CHOOSE TO REFOCUS your life. In this very moment, commit your thoughts and actions to taking only strong and positive steps forward. In the beginning, that could mean something as simple as finding one positive thing each day to look forward to. Just that small step will lift your spirits each day and get you on a victory path.

From my own experience in an abusive family, I know creating victory is easier said than done. Sometimes, you need professional help in dealing with your feelings. If that’s the case, commit to getting it. Or, you may have a greater need for a support group. There are churches and organizations that have meetings for dealing with nearly every difficult life situation. Find one and go. I personally have done both over the years and have found the effort worth the time, money and energy. Whichever you choose, take positive action, start now and don’t give up!

Finally, set goals and work on them. Start with something small and build your confidence. Create your own victories. I know from experience that, while victory is different for every woman, only you can make it happen for yourself. I also know that one victory usually leads to another…and another.

Also, I pray that you learn that you are loved. Remember, however, as Victorious Woman Tekki teaches us, the most powerful love is the one you have for yourself.

For my readers who want to read more on this topic next week, check back next week and I’ll talk a little about the Stepping Stones to Victory.

With the best intentions,
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Victory Up

Welcome to the Victorious Woman Journal!

Come to this space to read about how to make your life more worth living, more satisfying, more of how you want your life to be.

Learn more about Victorious Woman at www.victoriouswoman.com.