Victory Up: Stepping Up to Victory

Recently, I received an email submission at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, my Victorious Woman website. In it, a woman writes about how her family dismissed her “like she didn't exist at all,” and was “given away like a used piece of furniture, no longer needed.” She doesn’t say how she was given away or by whom (adoption, spousal abandonment, ignored by her children…or something else). However, she says that she still carries the effects of abuse, neglect & abandonment 30 years later and refers to someone (presumably her) who, because of family members, “wakes up everyday of their life wishing that they were never born.”

Obviously, this woman is in great emotional pain. Her email ends wanting to know what I think of her family for treating her so badly. I have several responses, which I’ll address both to her and to my other readers.

First of all, the emailer only wants commentary on the people she believes wronged her. That makes me think she is choosing to live her life as a victim, a thought process (not a reality) that becomes a lifestyle filled with blame for others with an inordinate focus on self, and too much time spent indulging in self-pity. It’s unhealthy for any woman to use so much precious time focusing on and needing justification for past hurts. It’s far more beneficial and self-nourishing for a woman to put her thoughts on what she has control over – that is, working toward a happier, more compelling future. I believe spending each day (for 30 years!) regretting being born is a waste of time…and life.

Next, whenever I strategize with any woman about her life, it’s her victory (or potential victory) that I focus on more than anything else. None of us can change our past, but we can be victorious over it. The only way we can do that is by concentrating on the things we can change – about our behaviors or specific parts of our life, such as our work, family, leisure, etc.

So, if I was talking to you, I would ask these questions:
- Why do you want me to only focus on the other people, not you?
- What have you done to better your life, in spite of your family?
- What responsibility are you taking for your life?
- If you would become victorious over this situation, what would that look like?
- What are your current plans for self-improvement?
- What are you doing TODAY to make this day happy?

Whatever the answers, if you are a woman who feels victimized by life, you need to start believing that you have the POWER OF CHOICE. Everyone chooses whether to live in sadness, depression and regret OR chooses to give up the victim lifestyle and make a better life. Quit looking for acceptance from people who don’t, and maybe can’t, give it.

Look instead to the future and CHOOSE TO REFOCUS your life. In this very moment, commit your thoughts and actions to taking only strong and positive steps forward. In the beginning, that could mean something as simple as finding one positive thing each day to look forward to. Just that small step will lift your spirits each day and get you on a victory path.

From my own experience in an abusive family, I know creating victory is easier said than done. Sometimes, you need professional help in dealing with your feelings. If that’s the case, commit to getting it. Or, you may have a greater need for a support group. There are churches and organizations that have meetings for dealing with nearly every difficult life situation. Find one and go. I personally have done both over the years and have found the effort worth the time, money and energy. Whichever you choose, take positive action, start now and don’t give up!

Finally, set goals and work on them. Start with something small and build your confidence. Create your own victories. I know from experience that, while victory is different for every woman, only you can make it happen for yourself. I also know that one victory usually leads to another…and another.

Also, I pray that you learn that you are loved. Remember, however, as Victorious Woman Tekki teaches us, the most powerful love is the one you have for yourself.

For my readers who want to read more on this topic next week, check back next week and I’ll talk a little about the Stepping Stones to Victory.

With the best intentions,
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.