Why Do We Think Settling is OK?

I watched a news show this morning and sadly, once again, a pregnant woman is missing. During an interview, desperate mother Patty Porter explained that she got concerned when her daughter, Jessie Davis, hadn’t called her. Jessie was mere days away from delivery, and mother and daughter talked daily, so it was odd. When she went to her daughter’s home, Porter discovered Davis was missing and her toddler grandson was alone, crying for his mother.

As her story unfolded, I learned that Ms. Davis is unmarried and expecting her second child by her married lover, a policeman who was about to divorce his spouse. “Everyone is cooperating,” said the officer with the heartbroken mom. Big deal. The girl is missing and the circumstances are suspicious.

Did you know that the statistics show that homicide by an intimate partner is a leading cause of death among pregnant women? How do we change those statistics?

Unfortunately, if the man is some psycho like a Scott Peterson or a Mark Hacking, the answer is a mystery. Some awful events are surprises, but others aren’t and are more predictable. That’s where you DO have control. You CAN refuse to knowingly putting yourself at risk.

How are you at risk? When you get involved with a man who you know is a deadbeat, you increase your odds of becoming a statistic. How do know he’s worthless? He’s cheating on somebody else to be with you. If he’s a cheater, he’s poison. You wouldn’t knowingly drink poison, so don’t date it. Get rid of him immediately.

Do you think it’s too late because you didn’t learn he was attached until after you’d “fallen in love” with him? No. In that case, kicking him to the curb immediately isn’t soon enough. There’s NO second choice.

Face it. The man (or woman) who cheats is a two-faced liar. He is already telling lots of lies – that’s part of the nature of cheating. Since he’s a liar, you already know he is morally on the skids. That slippery slope into moral bankruptcy results in uncaring, non-supportive and abusive behaviors. The further a person slides, the more easily even murder can be justified.

Why do cheaters cheat? Because they can. One of my guy friends told me that a long time ago, and he was right. Cheaters know how to find a woman who is needy enough to buy his smooth talk. The woman can be anyone - a professional, non-professional, stay-at-home mom, corporate executive or anything else. It makes no difference at all.

There is only one thing that should surprise you about a cheating man. That is how he can look you right in the eyes and lie to you. He delivers his lines with perfect panache as he tells you any of the following:
he loves you (he doesn’t); or
he needs you (sure, because you’re willing to lower yourself and give him what he wants so he doesn’t have to find someone else); and
he can’t live without you (trust me, when you leave he’ll be looking for someone else within 24 hours); or even
he isn’t being treated right by his spouse or current girlfriend (who, most often, is doing everything for him including raising his kids)
His list of nonsense lies goes on and on.

Over time I’ve know many women who bought some dopey line a guy gave them…myself included. Getting dumped is tough. So is dumping someone you have feelings for but who is clearly a bad match. However, the women who suffer the most are the ones who are duped into thinking they had something with a man who can’t even make himself happy (which is usually the reason he cheats) and is always looking for that next thing that will satisfy his big ego. When you come across a man like that, you have to realize that his heart is only big enough for one person…him.

Here’s what I want you to know: you deserve better. You deserve a relationship that is a two-way street of give and take, where the person you love is the one who loves you back. Sure, like all of us, you might meet some creep when you feel emotionally needy and are most vulnerable to the slick willies. But that doesn’t mean you have to lose your personal power and fall victim to them.

Just remember this: you aren’t going to feel better when he dumps you for someone else…and he will. As a woman, know you are stronger than your vulnerabilities. Choose to act on your strengths, not give into your weaknesses. That’s what Victorious Woman Nancy Hill learned. In her Victorious Woman! chapter, “A House is Not a Home”, Nancy advises women, “Do not compromise yourself for nothing and nobody just to have a few quick things…if distractions come along, tell yourself, ‘That’s not what I want to do,’ and then get busy with some worthwhile endeavor or goal-focused activity.”

Nancy found out what many women, including me, learned: there is someone out there who will love you for the wonderful woman you are and who will make you as happy as you make him. The price of that relationship is both patience and refusing to settle for what you can get and, instead, waiting for what you want. However, in the meantime, you can use your time to become the strongest, smartest, and best woman you can be.

In the end, by refusing to settle for your most readily available but least desirable match, you’ll be a happier woman. Your satisfaction with yourself and your life will last and expand. More importantly, you’ll have a confidence and self-respect that will stay with you for a lifetime. That’s definitely more than what you’ll get from those few torrid dates and that cheater who is here today and gone tomorrow…and is certainly better than being national news for being missing.