About six weeks ago, I took my elderly mother to the doctor for a regular visit. It wasn't her GP, but the doctor we saw had a concern about her legs and suggested we she her GP the next morning. We never got the chance. That night I took my mother to the emergency room of my local hospital. We waited and waited for hours and when we finally saw the doctor, she was admitted, ten hours after we got there!
That was just the beginning. She was discharged a few days later and was staying at my home when a bad reaction between medications nearly killed her. A 911 call and and an ER visit later, she was back in the hospital. Then she was a couple weeks in skilled nursing.
Now my mother is back in her own home with home health care and me keeping an eye on her. She's doing well.
Here's the interesting part: I have 3 siblings and 5 nieces and nephews. No one has bothered to do anything - no visits and no calls, EXCEPT for one (short) visit by my oldest brother. When I saw her about an hour later, my mother was all upset. She said my brother cried. CRIED! The reason? He cried because she hadn't called him. Seriously! This grown man, visiting his mother who nearly died a few hours earlier and was still touch and go, cried to his mommy because she made him feel bad by nearly dying and not letting him know!
Are you in that kind of situation too? Are you balancing a career and parental caregiving? Do you have siblings but are the sole caregiver for an aging parent? When you ask for specific help, does the rest of the family tell you they are "too busy" to do anything...practically implying that it's all on you because you have nothing else to do?
If my experience sounds like your own, you aren't alone. There are many people, and mostly women, who are straddled with caregiving while their siblings sit around waiting to see how much money is going to be left at the end.
What can you do?
First, recognize that some siblings habitually make excuses for their bad behavior. Or, like my brother, showed his irresponsibility by making my mother feel that his lack of caring was her fault. It's a technique a lot of people use to get out of doing anything, and not feeling bad about it. If someone is doing this to you, speak up. Don't accept responsibility - especially emotional responsibility - for someone else's failures.
Next, protect yourself. Make sure you incorporate some good thing to look forward to each and every day. Like last Friday, when my stressful mom-morning was erased during a relaxing lunch with a friend and colleague. Over a plate of pasta, a glass of wine and a few laughs, my body relaxed and my mind was stimulated by our lively conversation. I left renewed, and reminded that victories don't happen in a vacuum. Victory happens through attitude, behavior and consciousness.
What about you? Are you a lone ranger caregiver? What have you learned about keeping yourself together that you can share?
Showing posts with label Life Leadership. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Leadership. Show all posts
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Is Relaxation a Waste of Time?
I just returned from vacation is Maine. I stay in a somewhat remote part of Mt. Dessert Island, so cellphone and internet access isn't readily available. It always takes a couple days to get used to be disconnected; once I do, however, I really like it!
Now I've been back for a couple days, and I'm already really missing not getting 50 emails a day. And I miss the hiking, afternoon naps, and happy hours. And the views. I'm attaching a couple pictures taken in and around Acadia National Park. It's heaven to me!
Being away reminded me about how important making time for fun and relaxation is. The more I relaxed, the more focused my mind got on what's important about my life and my future. I had so many good ideas; they just seemed to flow. Normally I'm so caught up with everyday routines, that I really noticed the positive difference. I made notes about my ideas so that when I got back to my normal life, I could take action on them.
Now that I'm ho
me, I'm amazed at the insights I had, and the good ideas. It reminds me that I need to add more of that "do nothing" time into my life.How about you? Do you find that you are always so caught up in the agendas of other people that you don't make time to breathe deep, let alone focus on what you want and how to get it?
Leadership is about having a vision and taking your life in the direction of your vision. "Do nothing" time helps you get clear, solve problems, work out the head trash that holds you back. Yet, we are all so busy that we push that special time away.
What ideas do you have for making time for "do nothing" time?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Book Review: Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards
While I was on vacation, I read Elizabeth Edwards recent book, Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life’s Adversities. I was looking forward to the read because I've admired Ms. Edwards for the strong and graceful way she's handled herself while campaigning for her spouse, fighting terminal cancer and dealing with the adultery of spouse John Edwards.
When I finished, I posted a review in my examiner.com column; it wasn't favorable because I felt snookered by title. If it was Reflections, or My Life, I could have warmly accepted this book's content. But Resilience? I didn't feel the title matched the content.
When I got back to work this week, I started reading the comments. Many are the kind of things some women say that encourage other women to keep surviving, settling, limiting their own power. I don't see any victory in accepting the status quo, keeping the peace, putting on a happy face, not wanting to rock the boat, making do, or making sure everyone else is happy and satisfied, all while you are dying inside. That isn't resilience, at best, it's simple survival.
One reader commented that I'm naive. She said there are different "clubs" that we don't choose (illness, betrayal, loss of a child), and implied that I don't understand. Yes, I do. I understand all too well. My understanding colors my viewpoint. Though I'm not a "member" of one of the above mentioned clubs, my earlier life was riddled with family dysfunction, much of which continues to this day...without me being in it. Once I realized that I didn't have to live like that, and could make better choices, I did. I was determined that craziness would not rule my life; I would make a better life for myself. I have. When I knew better, I did better.
Over the past seven years, I've interviewed hundreds of women who have done the same. Most of them did not have Elizabeth Edwards upbringing, education or financial resources. They demonstrated their resilience through illness, betrayal, abuse, etc. The result was victory.
Still, I'm glad I read the book and see Ms. Edwards in a new light. And, in agreement with the general tone of the comments, I say, "God Bless You, Elizabeth!"
You can read the review and comments at http://tinyurl.com/ResilienceBookReview
When I finished, I posted a review in my examiner.com column; it wasn't favorable because I felt snookered by title. If it was Reflections, or My Life, I could have warmly accepted this book's content. But Resilience? I didn't feel the title matched the content.
When I got back to work this week, I started reading the comments. Many are the kind of things some women say that encourage other women to keep surviving, settling, limiting their own power. I don't see any victory in accepting the status quo, keeping the peace, putting on a happy face, not wanting to rock the boat, making do, or making sure everyone else is happy and satisfied, all while you are dying inside. That isn't resilience, at best, it's simple survival.
One reader commented that I'm naive. She said there are different "clubs" that we don't choose (illness, betrayal, loss of a child), and implied that I don't understand. Yes, I do. I understand all too well. My understanding colors my viewpoint. Though I'm not a "member" of one of the above mentioned clubs, my earlier life was riddled with family dysfunction, much of which continues to this day...without me being in it. Once I realized that I didn't have to live like that, and could make better choices, I did. I was determined that craziness would not rule my life; I would make a better life for myself. I have. When I knew better, I did better.
Over the past seven years, I've interviewed hundreds of women who have done the same. Most of them did not have Elizabeth Edwards upbringing, education or financial resources. They demonstrated their resilience through illness, betrayal, abuse, etc. The result was victory.
Still, I'm glad I read the book and see Ms. Edwards in a new light. And, in agreement with the general tone of the comments, I say, "God Bless You, Elizabeth!"
You can read the review and comments at http://tinyurl.com/ResilienceBookReview
Monday, July 13, 2009
Could You Do This? Would You?
Carla and Caroline’s Excellent Adventure.
How cool is this? Carla Wilson, Executive VA, is walking across England – from coast to coast – with her childhood girlfriend, Caroline. This is a long walk…and considered one of the top ten hikes in the world: “190 miles of sheer hiking pleasure, from the Irish Sea to the North Sea, taking in three national parks: the Lake District, where England's highest mountains are found; the long green valleys of the Yorkshire Dales (of James Herriot fame); and the sometimes bleak but often dramatic landscapes of the North Yorkshire Moors.”
Carla and Caroline started planning – and training - for this trip nearly a year ago. They have had obstacles galore, including travel problems with the online service with which they booked their flight. But, in spite of them, Carla and Caroline left on Friday and started hiking on Sunday. They’ll be gone for nearly three weeks.
When I interviewed Carla just before she left, she was beside herself with excitement. She told me that, in addition to savoring the awesomeness of what she was doing, she was glad to have the girlfriend time with Caroline. On top of that, she was looking forward being alone with her thoughts and letting her mind relax into daydreaming some new goals.
When I asked Carla how her family felt about her being gone so long, she laughed. She said that her spouse was already missing her but her teenage son seemed glad to have his doting mom away for a while. But then her voice got more serious as she explained that her mother-in-law is very ill, and has been for a long time. Part of Carla's planning included a long conversation with her spouse about what to do if she should pass away while Carla’s gone. In the end, they agreed that she won’t shortcut her trip. Pretty courageous move, for both of them.
In the same serious vein, Carla told me that her trip coincides with the one-year anniversary of her cousin’s death from melanoma. To keep her motivated, Carla said, “I felt I needed to walk with a higher purpose.” So the women set up a website seeking donations for melanoma research so they “can help kick cancer’s butt!” They already reached 50% of their goal of $1900. Their donation page is http://tinyurl.com/carla-and-caroline
In addition, each day Carla is walking with the name of someone they know who has cancer. On one day of their trip, they’ll be walking for Theresa Hummel, who’s been battling cancer most of this year. She's the awesome mother of my colleague and friend Theresa Hummel Krallinger.
What about you? Victory is about life leadership. It's about making that stretch out of your comfort zone and step into your greater and more powerful self - the person you were born to be. So...
If you need some help, join me in the fall for one of several teleseminars I'm offering that will help you get started. The fall seminar schedule comes out August 1. Get yours delivered to you by email in the Victorious Woman e-newsletter: http://www.victoriouswoman.com.
In victory,
Annmarie
How cool is this? Carla Wilson, Executive VA, is walking across England – from coast to coast – with her childhood girlfriend, Caroline. This is a long walk…and considered one of the top ten hikes in the world: “190 miles of sheer hiking pleasure, from the Irish Sea to the North Sea, taking in three national parks: the Lake District, where England's highest mountains are found; the long green valleys of the Yorkshire Dales (of James Herriot fame); and the sometimes bleak but often dramatic landscapes of the North Yorkshire Moors.”
Carla and Caroline started planning – and training - for this trip nearly a year ago. They have had obstacles galore, including travel problems with the online service with which they booked their flight. But, in spite of them, Carla and Caroline left on Friday and started hiking on Sunday. They’ll be gone for nearly three weeks.
When I interviewed Carla just before she left, she was beside herself with excitement. She told me that, in addition to savoring the awesomeness of what she was doing, she was glad to have the girlfriend time with Caroline. On top of that, she was looking forward being alone with her thoughts and letting her mind relax into daydreaming some new goals.
When I asked Carla how her family felt about her being gone so long, she laughed. She said that her spouse was already missing her but her teenage son seemed glad to have his doting mom away for a while. But then her voice got more serious as she explained that her mother-in-law is very ill, and has been for a long time. Part of Carla's planning included a long conversation with her spouse about what to do if she should pass away while Carla’s gone. In the end, they agreed that she won’t shortcut her trip. Pretty courageous move, for both of them.
In the same serious vein, Carla told me that her trip coincides with the one-year anniversary of her cousin’s death from melanoma. To keep her motivated, Carla said, “I felt I needed to walk with a higher purpose.” So the women set up a website seeking donations for melanoma research so they “can help kick cancer’s butt!” They already reached 50% of their goal of $1900. Their donation page is http://tinyurl.com/carla-and-caroline
In addition, each day Carla is walking with the name of someone they know who has cancer. On one day of their trip, they’ll be walking for Theresa Hummel, who’s been battling cancer most of this year. She's the awesome mother of my colleague and friend Theresa Hummel Krallinger.
What about you? Victory is about life leadership. It's about making that stretch out of your comfort zone and step into your greater and more powerful self - the person you were born to be. So...
- Do you have an adventure that you dream about?
- Have you been putting it off because you don’t have the money, or the time, or you don’t think you can leave your family, or you’re afraid something “big” will happen while you are away?
- What if you stopped procrastinating and started moving forward…what would you do and how would you do it?
If you need some help, join me in the fall for one of several teleseminars I'm offering that will help you get started. The fall seminar schedule comes out August 1. Get yours delivered to you by email in the Victorious Woman e-newsletter: http://www.victoriouswoman.com.
In victory,
Annmarie
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