Along with feedback for an article I wrote about dealing with public embarrassment, I received this email from a reader:
Two years ago I was dating a guy and he asked me for pictures of myself because we hardly saw each other. I took pictures in a lingerie and sent them to him, yesterday my friend calls me up to say she saw these pictures in a fwd email... am not vexed, am totally ashamed and humiliated. Please help me. Ashamed
Ouch! Don’t you wonder what you could have seen in such a sorry sot? Unfortunately, I don't even have to ask. I’ve been “madly in love” more times than I can count. I even got engaged to one of those enticing crushes. There’s an old cliché that says, “Love is blind, marriage opens the eyes.” Fortunately, my eyes got opened before the wedding. Though I was devastated for a while, the end of that relationship saved me the heartache of being disrespected, ignored and cheated on (which is what happened to the woman he finally did marry). Breaking up was hard for me to do, but when it was over…it was over.
That’s what I find different with dating now. The end of a relationship might be the beginning of a YouTube video or, as it is for you, some embarrassing email attachment that circulates around the world - with your pictures being downloaded and ogled by who knows who. While you took the pictures and voluntarily sent them, that isn’t always the case for everyone. With technology so affordable and easy-to-use, everything you say and do with a lover can become part of your permanent history – and all with just a simple click. It’s something every woman has to consider – especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
So, where do you go from here?
Well, what’s done is done. Maybe you have some legal recourse (you can try your local small claims court) but probably not. You have to face it. You made a mistake. Here are three things you - and other readers who experience something this distressing - can do now:
1 – Admit you made a mistake, tell others it was wrong and that you regret it.
When Paris Hilton made a big drinking and driving mistake, she paid a substantial price, both publicly and emotionally. Her experience prompted her to post a warning to her fans not to drink and drive. That’s kind of where you are. You took sexy pictures and sent them away. You’ll have to take your lumps, hopefully only in the form of teasing. If you focus on the future, you can and will move on. At the same time, you can use your experience to caution others not to take the same path.
2 - Vow never to make a similar mistake in the future.
When your boyfriend asked for pictures and you sent boudoir photos, you presumed they would always be for his eyes only. You were wrong. Sure, you won’t send photos again but that’s not the only decision you make that can come back to haunt you. What if he wanted a threesome, or didn’t want to wear a condom?
Every action has a consequence and it could be positive or negative. Whatever you do is going to have some result, and you have to live with whatever that is. It’s called The Law of Cause and Effect.
Your mistake was that you only considered that one possible outcome. Recently, you discovered that there were also other results. That simple gift of you gave a boyfriend came with a big price tag – your self-respect and public humiliation. It was fun then…not so much fun now.
So in the future, think things out, consider the possibilities before you make any kind of decision. Vow to think through at least two positive and two negative possible outcomes. Know your values and stick by them in your decision-making. Take risks, but make sure they make sense – that’s the head in the clouds, feet on the ground approach. It works, and will keep you out of trouble.
3 – Forgive yourself. Your embarrassment will die down in time and you’ll live to redeem your dignity. Give yourself the courtesy of letting this go, with the promise that you’ll be smarter next time.
If you don’t forgive yourself and forge ahead, you might ignore opportunities for future victories. Rather than wallow in shame, refuse to let one dopey guy and one bad decision take away your power or your future good.
If you follow these suggestions, and stick to your values, you are likely to get on the path of personal victory. As you do, I’m positive wonderful things can open up to you and your life will become better and better. It happened to me, so I’m sure it can happen to you.
Remember: Victory is contagious. I found victory the hard way…most of us do…and now I’m passing it along to you. Catch the spirit…and then you can pass it along too. ©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
If you want to take a next step, you have to get my free ecourse and follow the 7 steps for next month. Request it at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
Are You Making Yourself a Victim?
I had the best email this morning from a young woman who is working abroad. She told me she's been thinking about her values, which is one of the topics in my ecourse. She's chosen three values that have the highest importance to her: family, travel, diversity. She plans to create her future around those values. I'm so excited for her!!
Why? Because her values will determine what really matters in her life. Behaviors follow values. When she knows what's most important, she'll know who and what to say 'yes' to and when to walk away.
Somebody smart (cannot recall who) once said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Your values are what you stand for. Think about it. If you value being authentic, you'll look for friends who like you just as you are. However, if you value acceptance at all costs, you'll do anything just so people will like you. In my coaching and workshops, I often see women with such a need to be accepted that they settle for whatever they can get in relationships, jobs, behaviors. Being authentic positions them for victory, while people-pleasing most often makes them victims.
What about you? Are you one of the many women and men who don't know what values are most important to them?
If you are, here's a starter question: Which do you value more, the latest fashion (or gadget) or financial peace? If you value the "stuff" then you are likely to spend your money and, unless you're Paris Hilton, you'll live with debt. I know a man who has to have the latest everything and brags about what he has to everyone he sees. He has taken from and hurt everyone who's ever cared about, loved or trusted him. He's a broken-down man with few friends and no substance...but he has storage bins full of stuff collecting dust (and costing money).
If that doesn't sound appealing, maybe you value financial peace. If you do, you are likely to pass on the instant gratification of new-new-new and instead live on what you earn and even put some money aside for future needs. One couple I know lives on a cash-only basis. Their house and cars are paid for, they put two children through college without debt, they travel occasionally and are still happy being together.
Which one sounds more like you...or are you someplace in between? If you think you're on the road to becoming like that guy instead of the couple, and want to make a change, here's the good stuff: if you don't like how your life is now, you can change it by simply starting with a change of your values. If you aren't sure what your values are, here are some you can consider: freedom, independence, self-esteem, love, joy, fun, balance, security, money, financial independence.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Spend some time this month thinking about and choosing the five values you are willing to organize your life around. If you want my ecourse, it's available free. Just send me an email at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com).
Why? Because her values will determine what really matters in her life. Behaviors follow values. When she knows what's most important, she'll know who and what to say 'yes' to and when to walk away.
Somebody smart (cannot recall who) once said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Your values are what you stand for. Think about it. If you value being authentic, you'll look for friends who like you just as you are. However, if you value acceptance at all costs, you'll do anything just so people will like you. In my coaching and workshops, I often see women with such a need to be accepted that they settle for whatever they can get in relationships, jobs, behaviors. Being authentic positions them for victory, while people-pleasing most often makes them victims.
What about you? Are you one of the many women and men who don't know what values are most important to them?
If you are, here's a starter question: Which do you value more, the latest fashion (or gadget) or financial peace? If you value the "stuff" then you are likely to spend your money and, unless you're Paris Hilton, you'll live with debt. I know a man who has to have the latest everything and brags about what he has to everyone he sees. He has taken from and hurt everyone who's ever cared about, loved or trusted him. He's a broken-down man with few friends and no substance...but he has storage bins full of stuff collecting dust (and costing money).
If that doesn't sound appealing, maybe you value financial peace. If you do, you are likely to pass on the instant gratification of new-new-new and instead live on what you earn and even put some money aside for future needs. One couple I know lives on a cash-only basis. Their house and cars are paid for, they put two children through college without debt, they travel occasionally and are still happy being together.
Which one sounds more like you...or are you someplace in between? If you think you're on the road to becoming like that guy instead of the couple, and want to make a change, here's the good stuff: if you don't like how your life is now, you can change it by simply starting with a change of your values. If you aren't sure what your values are, here are some you can consider: freedom, independence, self-esteem, love, joy, fun, balance, security, money, financial independence.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Spend some time this month thinking about and choosing the five values you are willing to organize your life around. If you want my ecourse, it's available free. Just send me an email at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com).
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Why Victorious???
I'm often asked two questions that annoy me, almost for the same reason: (1) why do I think it's so important for a woman to be victorious and (2) is Victorious Woman a religious thing.
I'll rant first about the latter, the Victorious Woman being religious. It seems that many people think that the only woman who would want to be called victorious is the one who is fighting the devil...or Satan...or some other evil force. It's as though a woman can only have a fiery passion - or maybe it's the right - to act victoriously when it's about religion. I think, at best, that's small-minded thinking. It's wrong on so many levels that I can't even start to address them, except to say that it's one those subtle biases that, on the surface, seems benign but packs a punch...against women.
Which leads me to the first question about the importance of being a Victorious Woman and the phone call that got me fired up today. The woman who called me was married for thirty-two years. When she first got pregnant, she gave up her career to be a stay-at-home mom. She raised three children, did all the household, school and chauffeur stuff, and was soon to be an empty nester. Then one day, she got the "I want a divorce/I found someone else" speech. She was suddenly single, devastated, and petrified to go back into the workplace...or date...or be alone. After years of being a "good girl" and playing it safe, she felt as though she was thrown to the wolves.
Now she has the opportunity to stretch into her victorious self. Of course, she doesn't see it that way at the moment...and might still not see it that way for a while. What makes it hard for her is that, year after year, she gave away little pieces of herself. She bent this way and that to accommodate her spouse, children, parents, friends...and after a while, she became someone else. Now she has to find her way back to herself. Her SELF is covered over with years of everyone else's gunk and she has to peel back the layers that numbed her passions. She has to search for the spark that is her excitement. She can do it...but it'll take time.
That's why keeping the Victorious Woman in you alive and vibrant is so important. Like all of us, you don't know what the future holds. You have to be ready for the events that challenge your comfortable status quo. For my caller, it was a sudden divorce. For you it could be something else. If you aren't consistently building your victory-making muscles, you make your life - and the challenges that come with it - more difficult.
Dear Victorious Woman, make a promise to yourself right now to do something everyday that makes you use your victory muscle. Challenge yourself into doing something that you don't feel confident enough to do. If you make a mistake, good. It'll show you what doesn't work, so you can try something else the next time. With each victory exercise, you'll grow stronger and, at some point, you'll be counting on the Victorious Woman in you to get you through. And you'll be really glad you know her!
Victory is Contagious. Catch the Power and Spread it Around!
I'll rant first about the latter, the Victorious Woman being religious. It seems that many people think that the only woman who would want to be called victorious is the one who is fighting the devil...or Satan...or some other evil force. It's as though a woman can only have a fiery passion - or maybe it's the right - to act victoriously when it's about religion. I think, at best, that's small-minded thinking. It's wrong on so many levels that I can't even start to address them, except to say that it's one those subtle biases that, on the surface, seems benign but packs a punch...against women.
Which leads me to the first question about the importance of being a Victorious Woman and the phone call that got me fired up today. The woman who called me was married for thirty-two years. When she first got pregnant, she gave up her career to be a stay-at-home mom. She raised three children, did all the household, school and chauffeur stuff, and was soon to be an empty nester. Then one day, she got the "I want a divorce/I found someone else" speech. She was suddenly single, devastated, and petrified to go back into the workplace...or date...or be alone. After years of being a "good girl" and playing it safe, she felt as though she was thrown to the wolves.
Now she has the opportunity to stretch into her victorious self. Of course, she doesn't see it that way at the moment...and might still not see it that way for a while. What makes it hard for her is that, year after year, she gave away little pieces of herself. She bent this way and that to accommodate her spouse, children, parents, friends...and after a while, she became someone else. Now she has to find her way back to herself. Her SELF is covered over with years of everyone else's gunk and she has to peel back the layers that numbed her passions. She has to search for the spark that is her excitement. She can do it...but it'll take time.
That's why keeping the Victorious Woman in you alive and vibrant is so important. Like all of us, you don't know what the future holds. You have to be ready for the events that challenge your comfortable status quo. For my caller, it was a sudden divorce. For you it could be something else. If you aren't consistently building your victory-making muscles, you make your life - and the challenges that come with it - more difficult.
Dear Victorious Woman, make a promise to yourself right now to do something everyday that makes you use your victory muscle. Challenge yourself into doing something that you don't feel confident enough to do. If you make a mistake, good. It'll show you what doesn't work, so you can try something else the next time. With each victory exercise, you'll grow stronger and, at some point, you'll be counting on the Victorious Woman in you to get you through. And you'll be really glad you know her!
Victory is Contagious. Catch the Power and Spread it Around!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Jessie Davis: Isn't it a Shame?
The news today reported the body of Jessie Davis was found in a shallow grave in a park. Her boyfriend, the married police officer who fathered her illegitimate son and the little girl she was carrying, was charged with her murder. A women, who allegedly helped cover up the murder, was also charged.
There is no excuse for Jessie Davis' murder. None. In her pictures, Ms. Davis looks like she was a beautiful young woman, full of life and love. Her death for any reason would be a tragedy. But, for someone to make a choice to snuff her life out? Inexcusable.
My question is this: Ms. Davis' death should never have happened, but why did she set herself up? Why did she not only have an affair with a married man, but also have a son with him...and continue the affair and get pregnant again?? How did she justify a lifestyle that made her a victim from its very beginning?
Some pictures of Ms. Davis show her proudly and happily displaying her pregnant belly. What was she so proud about? Where was the shame for being a mistress with a child and another on the way?
Do I sound harsh? Sure, but that's because our society has made the degradation of women so acceptable that we actually support women as they slide down the moral scale. We don't condemn them, or the men they're mixed up with and, instead, pretend we're socially evolved enough to accept it.
We're wrong. When homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women and when something like this happens, I believe we all can accept some accountability. How? We cannot continue to turn our heads and pretend wrong is normal...or at least OK. It isn't.
Some cultures do it differently, I live near Amish country and, in their society, they have a punishment called shunning. When a person is shunned, s/he is ignored by the community. The purpose of shunning is to (1) bring the wrong-doer into a state of awareness and repentance for doing something against someone else or the community and (2) keep the wrongdoer away from everyone else. When I first learned about shunning, I thought it was a terrible thing. I used to think that, just because someone made a mistake, they shouldn't be "put out" of the community. Now, though I still feel that being shunned isn't good, I no longer think it's bad. In fact, I believe we could learn a little something from the Amish tradition. For example, if men were shunned for disrespectful mistreatment of women, wouldn't they stop it...or at least tone it down? If judges were shunned for being soft on abusers and deadbeat dads, wouldn't it change? If advertisers were shunned for sexist and women-debasing ads, don't you think they'd change their strategy? If society didn't make it OK for women to get knocked up, do you think there'd be as many unwed mothers?
I know my thoughts aren't very popular in a liberal society. But think about it...and Jessie Davis, her grieving mother and parentless child. Isn't our vacillating attitude toward wrong-doers and over-acceptance of moral depreciation contributing to disrespect toward women, domestic violence, and even murder?
Also, consider this: while we defend a woman's right to be the least of her good nature, aren't we automatically failing to support her in being her best.
Let me know what you think.
There is no excuse for Jessie Davis' murder. None. In her pictures, Ms. Davis looks like she was a beautiful young woman, full of life and love. Her death for any reason would be a tragedy. But, for someone to make a choice to snuff her life out? Inexcusable.
My question is this: Ms. Davis' death should never have happened, but why did she set herself up? Why did she not only have an affair with a married man, but also have a son with him...and continue the affair and get pregnant again?? How did she justify a lifestyle that made her a victim from its very beginning?
Some pictures of Ms. Davis show her proudly and happily displaying her pregnant belly. What was she so proud about? Where was the shame for being a mistress with a child and another on the way?
Do I sound harsh? Sure, but that's because our society has made the degradation of women so acceptable that we actually support women as they slide down the moral scale. We don't condemn them, or the men they're mixed up with and, instead, pretend we're socially evolved enough to accept it.
We're wrong. When homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women and when something like this happens, I believe we all can accept some accountability. How? We cannot continue to turn our heads and pretend wrong is normal...or at least OK. It isn't.
Some cultures do it differently, I live near Amish country and, in their society, they have a punishment called shunning. When a person is shunned, s/he is ignored by the community. The purpose of shunning is to (1) bring the wrong-doer into a state of awareness and repentance for doing something against someone else or the community and (2) keep the wrongdoer away from everyone else. When I first learned about shunning, I thought it was a terrible thing. I used to think that, just because someone made a mistake, they shouldn't be "put out" of the community. Now, though I still feel that being shunned isn't good, I no longer think it's bad. In fact, I believe we could learn a little something from the Amish tradition. For example, if men were shunned for disrespectful mistreatment of women, wouldn't they stop it...or at least tone it down? If judges were shunned for being soft on abusers and deadbeat dads, wouldn't it change? If advertisers were shunned for sexist and women-debasing ads, don't you think they'd change their strategy? If society didn't make it OK for women to get knocked up, do you think there'd be as many unwed mothers?
I know my thoughts aren't very popular in a liberal society. But think about it...and Jessie Davis, her grieving mother and parentless child. Isn't our vacillating attitude toward wrong-doers and over-acceptance of moral depreciation contributing to disrespect toward women, domestic violence, and even murder?
Also, consider this: while we defend a woman's right to be the least of her good nature, aren't we automatically failing to support her in being her best.
Let me know what you think.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Why Do We Think Settling is OK?
I watched a news show this morning and sadly, once again, a pregnant woman is missing. During an interview, desperate mother Patty Porter explained that she got concerned when her daughter, Jessie Davis, hadn’t called her. Jessie was mere days away from delivery, and mother and daughter talked daily, so it was odd. When she went to her daughter’s home, Porter discovered Davis was missing and her toddler grandson was alone, crying for his mother.
As her story unfolded, I learned that Ms. Davis is unmarried and expecting her second child by her married lover, a policeman who was about to divorce his spouse. “Everyone is cooperating,” said the officer with the heartbroken mom. Big deal. The girl is missing and the circumstances are suspicious.
Did you know that the statistics show that homicide by an intimate partner is a leading cause of death among pregnant women? How do we change those statistics?
Unfortunately, if the man is some psycho like a Scott Peterson or a Mark Hacking, the answer is a mystery. Some awful events are surprises, but others aren’t and are more predictable. That’s where you DO have control. You CAN refuse to knowingly putting yourself at risk.
How are you at risk? When you get involved with a man who you know is a deadbeat, you increase your odds of becoming a statistic. How do know he’s worthless? He’s cheating on somebody else to be with you. If he’s a cheater, he’s poison. You wouldn’t knowingly drink poison, so don’t date it. Get rid of him immediately.
Do you think it’s too late because you didn’t learn he was attached until after you’d “fallen in love” with him? No. In that case, kicking him to the curb immediately isn’t soon enough. There’s NO second choice.
Face it. The man (or woman) who cheats is a two-faced liar. He is already telling lots of lies – that’s part of the nature of cheating. Since he’s a liar, you already know he is morally on the skids. That slippery slope into moral bankruptcy results in uncaring, non-supportive and abusive behaviors. The further a person slides, the more easily even murder can be justified.
Why do cheaters cheat? Because they can. One of my guy friends told me that a long time ago, and he was right. Cheaters know how to find a woman who is needy enough to buy his smooth talk. The woman can be anyone - a professional, non-professional, stay-at-home mom, corporate executive or anything else. It makes no difference at all.
There is only one thing that should surprise you about a cheating man. That is how he can look you right in the eyes and lie to you. He delivers his lines with perfect panache as he tells you any of the following:
he loves you (he doesn’t); or
he needs you (sure, because you’re willing to lower yourself and give him what he wants so he doesn’t have to find someone else); and
he can’t live without you (trust me, when you leave he’ll be looking for someone else within 24 hours); or even
he isn’t being treated right by his spouse or current girlfriend (who, most often, is doing everything for him including raising his kids)
His list of nonsense lies goes on and on.
Over time I’ve know many women who bought some dopey line a guy gave them…myself included. Getting dumped is tough. So is dumping someone you have feelings for but who is clearly a bad match. However, the women who suffer the most are the ones who are duped into thinking they had something with a man who can’t even make himself happy (which is usually the reason he cheats) and is always looking for that next thing that will satisfy his big ego. When you come across a man like that, you have to realize that his heart is only big enough for one person…him.
Here’s what I want you to know: you deserve better. You deserve a relationship that is a two-way street of give and take, where the person you love is the one who loves you back. Sure, like all of us, you might meet some creep when you feel emotionally needy and are most vulnerable to the slick willies. But that doesn’t mean you have to lose your personal power and fall victim to them.
Just remember this: you aren’t going to feel better when he dumps you for someone else…and he will. As a woman, know you are stronger than your vulnerabilities. Choose to act on your strengths, not give into your weaknesses. That’s what Victorious Woman Nancy Hill learned. In her Victorious Woman! chapter, “A House is Not a Home”, Nancy advises women, “Do not compromise yourself for nothing and nobody just to have a few quick things…if distractions come along, tell yourself, ‘That’s not what I want to do,’ and then get busy with some worthwhile endeavor or goal-focused activity.”
Nancy found out what many women, including me, learned: there is someone out there who will love you for the wonderful woman you are and who will make you as happy as you make him. The price of that relationship is both patience and refusing to settle for what you can get and, instead, waiting for what you want. However, in the meantime, you can use your time to become the strongest, smartest, and best woman you can be.
In the end, by refusing to settle for your most readily available but least desirable match, you’ll be a happier woman. Your satisfaction with yourself and your life will last and expand. More importantly, you’ll have a confidence and self-respect that will stay with you for a lifetime. That’s definitely more than what you’ll get from those few torrid dates and that cheater who is here today and gone tomorrow…and is certainly better than being national news for being missing.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Women Helping Women
Last weekend I accompanied my spouse to the all-school reunion at the boarding school he attended in Scotland PA. This was his (and our) third time back. I'm pretty much along for the ride at this event but I always enjoy the people from his class as well as the surrounding classes.
This time, however, was special for me. One of the women bought my book, Victorious Woman! She made a point to tell me how much she enjoyed the writing, but more importantly, she said it helped to give her more confidence in her life. Because she got so much help from Victoirus Woman!, she started passing it around and recommending it to other women.
Naturally, I felt good about her compliments. However, as I told her last weekend, I wrote Victorious Woman! so that women everywhere would have more confidence to move off the "victim" or "surviving" stepping stones and onto "advancing" and "victorious" (I explain these in an earlier blog). By reading the stories of each Victorious Woman, ones who courageously shared the ups and downs they experienced on their way to out of challenges on onto success and victory, I wanted women like you to feel inspired and encouraged to get on your own victory path.
If you haven't read Victorious Woman! yet, go to your local library and rent it, or buy it online at my website (http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm) or amazon or at your local bookseller. Though this seems like a shameless plug, it isn't. I really have the intention of knowing that millions of women will make wonderful changes in their lives...and their changes will positively change the lives of everyone they touch...and together we will transform the world.
This time, however, was special for me. One of the women bought my book, Victorious Woman! She made a point to tell me how much she enjoyed the writing, but more importantly, she said it helped to give her more confidence in her life. Because she got so much help from Victoirus Woman!, she started passing it around and recommending it to other women.
Naturally, I felt good about her compliments. However, as I told her last weekend, I wrote Victorious Woman! so that women everywhere would have more confidence to move off the "victim" or "surviving" stepping stones and onto "advancing" and "victorious" (I explain these in an earlier blog). By reading the stories of each Victorious Woman, ones who courageously shared the ups and downs they experienced on their way to out of challenges on onto success and victory, I wanted women like you to feel inspired and encouraged to get on your own victory path.
If you haven't read Victorious Woman! yet, go to your local library and rent it, or buy it online at my website (http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm) or amazon or at your local bookseller. Though this seems like a shameless plug, it isn't. I really have the intention of knowing that millions of women will make wonderful changes in their lives...and their changes will positively change the lives of everyone they touch...and together we will transform the world.
Shining Your Light...or Hiding It Under A Basket?
I was in a Starbucks yesterday when some woman started practically shouting over my shoulder at the clerk. At first, I wasn't too happy. I just wanted to get my cup of tea and get on with my day.
As it turns out, that location was having an art exhibit the next day. The exhibitor was the twenty-something clerk and the shouting woman was either her mother, friend or agent. She was shouting because were no signs advertising the art exhibit anywhere...not on the door, near the register, on any tables...nowhere.
So, in my own special kind of Victorious Woman butting-in, I asked about her art. Apparently, at least according to the shouting woman and the other clerk, she was pretty good. However, the artist-clerk got really rattled when she talked about herself...so much so that she forgot to get my tea. "I just like the painting," she told me, somewhat embarrassed. "It's what I really want to do with my life. I just don't like the whole commercial part of it."
I cringed as I always do when I hear that attitude from a woman. With that attitude, that young woman runs the risk of forever being in a clerk-type job while spending her life wishing someone would love her work enough to make her an artistic success.
But it's what we do, you know. We downplay our good works, we minimize our accomplishments, we give someone else the credit and we cheat ourselves (and sometimes others) out of the fruits of our good work. Too often we seem to be afraid of becoming one of those aggressive, cut throat, cigar-smoking neanderthal men. Or worse, one of those women...you know, the successful ones like Martha Stewart and Oprah that everyone calls "b" or worse. How dare they have the audacity to compete in a man's world and win! Who to they think they are???
You gotta get with it. While those male stereotypes seem to stick in our minds, that's not how most men are. And women like Martha and Oprah take a lot of criticism mostly because they don't fit the "good girl" mold.
Who do they think they are? They are women, ones who are living their purpose. Martha brings us wonderful ideas and products, while Oprah consistently gives us the information we are looking for. And, they make a lot of money for doing their jobs well. You may or may not like their personalities, but who cares?
Here's the point: if you have something that is the energy of your soul, you have to do it. When you do it, you have to let people know about it. Understand going into it that you'll get more rejections than accolades but that's the way it is with everything in life. How many times do your kids tell you "no" before they do what you tell them? As a mom, you already get rejection before you get accepted...you know the drill. It's the same thing in business, just the kids who are telling you "no" are bigger and have better facades. So, why not get the rejections and accolades for something that is important to your inner self...something you can use to give yourself a happier and more satisfying life?
Here's what you need to focus on: your special gift might be just the thing that turns your life, or someone else's life, around. If you don't put yourself "out there" and make it available, no one will ever know. Making yourself stretch past your comfort zone is what victory is all about. We all need more and more of us to make that victorious stretch and encourage each other. Also, we are the models for the next generation. We can tell our young women to "go for it" all we want, but they will learn better by watching us do it.
So I have a challenge for you: what can you do today to let your light shine bright enough for others to see it? Go out and do it...and let me know what happens so I can share it with others who aren't as courageous as you are going to be today!
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
As it turns out, that location was having an art exhibit the next day. The exhibitor was the twenty-something clerk and the shouting woman was either her mother, friend or agent. She was shouting because were no signs advertising the art exhibit anywhere...not on the door, near the register, on any tables...nowhere.
So, in my own special kind of Victorious Woman butting-in, I asked about her art. Apparently, at least according to the shouting woman and the other clerk, she was pretty good. However, the artist-clerk got really rattled when she talked about herself...so much so that she forgot to get my tea. "I just like the painting," she told me, somewhat embarrassed. "It's what I really want to do with my life. I just don't like the whole commercial part of it."
I cringed as I always do when I hear that attitude from a woman. With that attitude, that young woman runs the risk of forever being in a clerk-type job while spending her life wishing someone would love her work enough to make her an artistic success.
But it's what we do, you know. We downplay our good works, we minimize our accomplishments, we give someone else the credit and we cheat ourselves (and sometimes others) out of the fruits of our good work. Too often we seem to be afraid of becoming one of those aggressive, cut throat, cigar-smoking neanderthal men. Or worse, one of those women...you know, the successful ones like Martha Stewart and Oprah that everyone calls "b" or worse. How dare they have the audacity to compete in a man's world and win! Who to they think they are???
You gotta get with it. While those male stereotypes seem to stick in our minds, that's not how most men are. And women like Martha and Oprah take a lot of criticism mostly because they don't fit the "good girl" mold.
Who do they think they are? They are women, ones who are living their purpose. Martha brings us wonderful ideas and products, while Oprah consistently gives us the information we are looking for. And, they make a lot of money for doing their jobs well. You may or may not like their personalities, but who cares?
Here's the point: if you have something that is the energy of your soul, you have to do it. When you do it, you have to let people know about it. Understand going into it that you'll get more rejections than accolades but that's the way it is with everything in life. How many times do your kids tell you "no" before they do what you tell them? As a mom, you already get rejection before you get accepted...you know the drill. It's the same thing in business, just the kids who are telling you "no" are bigger and have better facades. So, why not get the rejections and accolades for something that is important to your inner self...something you can use to give yourself a happier and more satisfying life?
Here's what you need to focus on: your special gift might be just the thing that turns your life, or someone else's life, around. If you don't put yourself "out there" and make it available, no one will ever know. Making yourself stretch past your comfort zone is what victory is all about. We all need more and more of us to make that victorious stretch and encourage each other. Also, we are the models for the next generation. We can tell our young women to "go for it" all we want, but they will learn better by watching us do it.
So I have a challenge for you: what can you do today to let your light shine bright enough for others to see it? Go out and do it...and let me know what happens so I can share it with others who aren't as courageous as you are going to be today!
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Seasons of Change and Transition
If you are one of the many women who are going through some kind of change, you'll be interested in my latest newsletter. In it, you'll read about how, though we talk about change and transition as though the are the same thing, they aren't. Knowing how and what to do during the change process can make a big difference in the outcome.
You can find it on my website at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/. Click on "Tips and Free Stuff" and download the May07 newsletter in pdf. While you are there, sign up for my newsletter mailing list. You'll be the first to get my quarterly newsletters, receive special offers before anyone else, and find out when I'll be on the radio or tv! You can also preview a few pages of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life's Challenges into Personal Victories.
Let me know what you think!
Annmarie
You can find it on my website at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/. Click on "Tips and Free Stuff" and download the May07 newsletter in pdf. While you are there, sign up for my newsletter mailing list. You'll be the first to get my quarterly newsletters, receive special offers before anyone else, and find out when I'll be on the radio or tv! You can also preview a few pages of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life's Challenges into Personal Victories.
Let me know what you think!
Annmarie
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Victorious Woman of the Month
MAY 2007
This month I made an interesting choice for Victorious Woman of the Month. She is a historical figure of sorts, and someone with a family connection to my past.
I chose a Catholic Saint, St. Rita of Cascia. She is an example of a woman whose dreams were deferred, but not denied.
As a result of the cultural mores of her day, Rita's own dream for her life seemed to be denied to her. She obediently did what her parents wanted and suffered through many years of a bad, abusive marriage. However, just like any modern-day Victorious Woman, when her life suddenly changed, she saw opening and fulfilled her dream.
St. Rita is the patron saint of lost, forgotten or impossible causes, marriage, and domestic abuse.
You can read her whole story, and my personal connection, at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm
Victorously speaking,
Annmarie
This month I made an interesting choice for Victorious Woman of the Month. She is a historical figure of sorts, and someone with a family connection to my past.
I chose a Catholic Saint, St. Rita of Cascia. She is an example of a woman whose dreams were deferred, but not denied.
As a result of the cultural mores of her day, Rita's own dream for her life seemed to be denied to her. She obediently did what her parents wanted and suffered through many years of a bad, abusive marriage. However, just like any modern-day Victorious Woman, when her life suddenly changed, she saw opening and fulfilled her dream.
St. Rita is the patron saint of lost, forgotten or impossible causes, marriage, and domestic abuse.
You can read her whole story, and my personal connection, at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm
Victorously speaking,
Annmarie
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Your Victorious Woman Calendar Download it Today
In the last posting, I talked about the thirty-one day Victorious Woman Calendar. You can get your own from my website at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/calendar.htm. You'll find the calendar especially helpful if you are a women in transition going through a divorce, in a difficult predicament, thinking about getting back into the workplace, looking for a promotion, leaving your job...and more. It'll help you remember what's good about you and help you clean up some clutter.
While you are on the website, get some inspiration by reading about the Victorious Woman of the Month AND sign up for my complimentary quarterly newsletter . You can read previous issues at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/news.htm.
Enjoy this glorious month of victorious celebrations.
Have fun!
Annmarie
While you are on the website, get some inspiration by reading about the Victorious Woman of the Month AND sign up for my complimentary quarterly newsletter . You can read previous issues at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/news.htm.
Enjoy this glorious month of victorious celebrations.
Have fun!
Annmarie
May is Victorious Woman Month! CELEBRATE
In 2004, the Chases Calendar of Events designated May as Victorious Woman Month because a woman’s victory is essential for her health, happiness and well-being. We set this month aside to “celebrate the woman who shaped life’s challenges into distinct victories.” As a victory strategist specializing in women who are in some form of transition, I am enthusiastically leading the charge.
Since the "official desingation" of Victorious Woman Month, I've been publishing the Victorious Woman Month Calendar. Each of the thirty-one days offers one idea to honor a woman you inspired you, do something that unclutters your mind or spirit or reminds you to take a moment to celebrate your own victories.
One of the most fun things I do during Victorious Woman month is celebrate with friends, neighbors and collegues at an annual open house. It's designed for networking and sharing victory.
I'm sharing how I do it with you so you can model it for your own Victorious Woman Party.
1 - Send invitaions through www.evite.com. Specify beginning and ending time. I choose a Friday night so women can come after work. I also invite the women to bring their significant others, if they choose. Many woman have interdependent relationships whose partners support their victories and cheer them on to more victory...so it seems natural that they could be part of a victory celebration.
2 - Include a survey question in your evite, such as "what's one victory you are most proud of and how was it a victory?"
3 - Ask guests to bring one food item to share;
4 - Supply wine and soda. You can also have beer and ice tea but keep it light and simple;
5 - Have name tags for guests: Ask for their name and something they can say about their victory (it's a great icebreaker);
6 - When guests arrive, greet them with a list of "instructions," e.g. 1- fill out a name tag, 2 - arrange the food they brought on a table, 3 - get yourself a drink and some food, 4 - introduce yourself to 3 people within the first 15 minutes.
The entire format of your Victorious Woman Celebration is designed to get people mingling and talking. The comment I most often hear is about how many amazing women attend...and how nice everyone is.
My Victorious Woman Celebration is May 4. When's yours? When you have it, please share it with us so we can applaud you for your efforts!
Victoriously,
Annmarie
Since the "official desingation" of Victorious Woman Month, I've been publishing the Victorious Woman Month Calendar. Each of the thirty-one days offers one idea to honor a woman you inspired you, do something that unclutters your mind or spirit or reminds you to take a moment to celebrate your own victories.
One of the most fun things I do during Victorious Woman month is celebrate with friends, neighbors and collegues at an annual open house. It's designed for networking and sharing victory.
I'm sharing how I do it with you so you can model it for your own Victorious Woman Party.
1 - Send invitaions through www.evite.com. Specify beginning and ending time. I choose a Friday night so women can come after work. I also invite the women to bring their significant others, if they choose. Many woman have interdependent relationships whose partners support their victories and cheer them on to more victory...so it seems natural that they could be part of a victory celebration.
2 - Include a survey question in your evite, such as "what's one victory you are most proud of and how was it a victory?"
3 - Ask guests to bring one food item to share;
4 - Supply wine and soda. You can also have beer and ice tea but keep it light and simple;
5 - Have name tags for guests: Ask for their name and something they can say about their victory (it's a great icebreaker);
6 - When guests arrive, greet them with a list of "instructions," e.g. 1- fill out a name tag, 2 - arrange the food they brought on a table, 3 - get yourself a drink and some food, 4 - introduce yourself to 3 people within the first 15 minutes.
The entire format of your Victorious Woman Celebration is designed to get people mingling and talking. The comment I most often hear is about how many amazing women attend...and how nice everyone is.
My Victorious Woman Celebration is May 4. When's yours? When you have it, please share it with us so we can applaud you for your efforts!
Victoriously,
Annmarie
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
SHRINKING TO FIT
ARE YOU DYING TO BE THIN? Literally??
As warm weather approaches, the "you have to shrink to fit" ads are everywhere. It makes me angry. The whole focus on being unnaturally thin is really out of hand. It should make you angry too!
Yesterday, I talked with a woman who told me she exercised 2-3 hours each day to lose weight. Last week I saw a woman who lost over 100lbs. who said she maintains her weight by exercising 3 hours a day. It takes a lot of effort for me to get in one hour.How do those women have that much time???
Those two women make time to exercise that much because thin is a primary focus of their lives. Similarly, Kelly Bliss, a former bulimic and April's Victorious Woman of the Month, said she used to spend hours each day throwing up. Like the first two women, she was desperate to be thin.
Here's why it makes me so furious: the pressure to be thin, typically directed at women, prevents us from being more of who we really want to be. Think about it. Presuming a woman is eating a healthy and balanced diet, exercising that much could only mean one of two things:
1 - She is working way too hard to maintain her weight, and is likely trying to force her body into a weight and shape that is too unrealistic for her natural type; or
2 - She is desperately unhappy. She's decided that being thin...and thinner...and thinner will make her happy. She's frantically trying to fill some black hole so she can have a meaningful life.
When you think about it, exercising 3 hours/day means 21 hours a week,(18 if you take a day off). Using that much time for exercising prevents you from doing anything else that is meaningful and that truly supports your personal or professional. Do you have any idea how much happiness or success you can create if you used those hours for your personal good??
In 21 hours/week, you could start a business, get a college degree, take your career to the next level, get a promotion at work, learn a new skill, be a volunteer for an organization that helps women in transition...the list goes on and on of good things you can do. Any of those activities, in addition to filling a woman's soul and raising your self-esteem, would also enable you to be more financially independent. That would give you more personal independence because you would have more choices in life.
Pushing women to be unnaturally thin, promoting an agenda that tells us that we have to shrink ourselves to fit some unrealistic cardboard image of attractive, is a subversive, 21st century way to keep women - YOU and ME - dependent, submissive and unable to shift our self-focus to anything else. The intention isn't any different from the travesty that has been perpetrated against women throughout the ages. The most frightening thing is that we let it happen to ourselves...and will continue to let it happen until we stay "stop" to the SHRINK TO FIT mentality.
What do you think?
As warm weather approaches, the "you have to shrink to fit" ads are everywhere. It makes me angry. The whole focus on being unnaturally thin is really out of hand. It should make you angry too!
Yesterday, I talked with a woman who told me she exercised 2-3 hours each day to lose weight. Last week I saw a woman who lost over 100lbs. who said she maintains her weight by exercising 3 hours a day. It takes a lot of effort for me to get in one hour.How do those women have that much time???
Those two women make time to exercise that much because thin is a primary focus of their lives. Similarly, Kelly Bliss, a former bulimic and April's Victorious Woman of the Month, said she used to spend hours each day throwing up. Like the first two women, she was desperate to be thin.
Here's why it makes me so furious: the pressure to be thin, typically directed at women, prevents us from being more of who we really want to be. Think about it. Presuming a woman is eating a healthy and balanced diet, exercising that much could only mean one of two things:
1 - She is working way too hard to maintain her weight, and is likely trying to force her body into a weight and shape that is too unrealistic for her natural type; or
2 - She is desperately unhappy. She's decided that being thin...and thinner...and thinner will make her happy. She's frantically trying to fill some black hole so she can have a meaningful life.
When you think about it, exercising 3 hours/day means 21 hours a week,(18 if you take a day off). Using that much time for exercising prevents you from doing anything else that is meaningful and that truly supports your personal or professional. Do you have any idea how much happiness or success you can create if you used those hours for your personal good??
In 21 hours/week, you could start a business, get a college degree, take your career to the next level, get a promotion at work, learn a new skill, be a volunteer for an organization that helps women in transition...the list goes on and on of good things you can do. Any of those activities, in addition to filling a woman's soul and raising your self-esteem, would also enable you to be more financially independent. That would give you more personal independence because you would have more choices in life.
Pushing women to be unnaturally thin, promoting an agenda that tells us that we have to shrink ourselves to fit some unrealistic cardboard image of attractive, is a subversive, 21st century way to keep women - YOU and ME - dependent, submissive and unable to shift our self-focus to anything else. The intention isn't any different from the travesty that has been perpetrated against women throughout the ages. The most frightening thing is that we let it happen to ourselves...and will continue to let it happen until we stay "stop" to the SHRINK TO FIT mentality.
What do you think?
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
VICTORY UP!
I recently had two reminders about the importance of intentions. One came from a woman following one of the sessions in my complimentary e-course(available by sending an email to ecourse@victoriouswoman.com). The other came while attending the Philadelphia Flower Show where several judged entries not only stated the name of the flower display, but the artists’ intention.
One thing you need to know is that intentions are not goals. Instead, intentions set the scene for an outcome. I was particularly struck how the artists at the flower show explained their intentions. One Tuscan-like display intended a quick return to their favorite paradise. Another intended the space be a reminder of “no worries and no cares in a beautiful atmosphere.” Still another intended, “I am relaxed and rejuvenated by the beauty of nature around me. Other intentions included being surrounded by friends, a life of passion, laughter and merriment wherever life leads, kinship with others, and undying love.
When you set a goal for your life, having an intention is a really important step in the process. Without it you could be steering yourself into disappointment. Have you ever heard of someone whose goal was to become a millionaire and, when they achieved it, they weren’t happy? That’s often because they had an intention that was at cross points with their goal. For example, an intention to have fun and travel doesn’t mix with a career path that requires a long-term or permanent 80-hour, always-on-call work week. Or, an intention to be a great mother who finds fulfillment being surrounded by loving family is thwarted by your can’t-say-no-to-anyone volunteer jobs that take so much time that you hardly ever even eat dinner with your family.
On the other hand, if you value personal satisfaction and intend to have a life that balances caring for others with self-fulfillment, you are likely to choose a career that enables you to do both – like being a teacher so you can be home when your kids are home. You may not make scads of money, at least not quickly, but you will be happier because you are matching what you value and intend with your life path. When you have congruency, you have happiness.
Are your intentions congruent with your goals? If not, how not? If they aren’t that’s why the stuff you want might not be showing up.
One thing you need to know is that intentions are not goals. Instead, intentions set the scene for an outcome. I was particularly struck how the artists at the flower show explained their intentions. One Tuscan-like display intended a quick return to their favorite paradise. Another intended the space be a reminder of “no worries and no cares in a beautiful atmosphere.” Still another intended, “I am relaxed and rejuvenated by the beauty of nature around me. Other intentions included being surrounded by friends, a life of passion, laughter and merriment wherever life leads, kinship with others, and undying love.
When you set a goal for your life, having an intention is a really important step in the process. Without it you could be steering yourself into disappointment. Have you ever heard of someone whose goal was to become a millionaire and, when they achieved it, they weren’t happy? That’s often because they had an intention that was at cross points with their goal. For example, an intention to have fun and travel doesn’t mix with a career path that requires a long-term or permanent 80-hour, always-on-call work week. Or, an intention to be a great mother who finds fulfillment being surrounded by loving family is thwarted by your can’t-say-no-to-anyone volunteer jobs that take so much time that you hardly ever even eat dinner with your family.
On the other hand, if you value personal satisfaction and intend to have a life that balances caring for others with self-fulfillment, you are likely to choose a career that enables you to do both – like being a teacher so you can be home when your kids are home. You may not make scads of money, at least not quickly, but you will be happier because you are matching what you value and intend with your life path. When you have congruency, you have happiness.
Are your intentions congruent with your goals? If not, how not? If they aren’t that’s why the stuff you want might not be showing up.
Friday, March 23, 2007
VICTORY UP!
In my previous post I explained the sabotaging Steppping Stones: Victim and Surviving. Now, read about the Stepping Stones that not only support your victories...they support your entire life!
Savvy aka Advancing: Takes herself and her development seriously. She expects others spouse/partner/children/etc. to also take her seriously. Interdependence is the key word for this stepping stone. This is the skillbuilding garden for growing victories.
Victorious: Makes time and space to boldly acknowledge victories. It doesn't matter if a victory means rising to the head of the company, overcoming fear of public speaking to make a presentation, or setting a boundary in order to gain more respect in the home.
Victory is something you do (not done by someone for you) that stretches you on the inside - doing something that is right and healthy for you but which you didn't think you could do. It's about getting past fear, criticism, disapproval or whatever else holds you back from being your best self.
Since we tend to occasionally move from one to another, it's really important to know TWO things:
1 - Which of the Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™ do you want to be on most of the time?
2 - Which one are you one most of the the time?
Knowing where you are, and where you want to be, is the key to developing a lifestyle that gets your started and keeps you going forward. It helps you choose what to keep, what to give away (and when), how to ask for help from your family, how much held to give...and when to pull back.
On which Stepping Stone am I most likely to find YOU, most of the time?
Think about it...
Annmarie
©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Want to get started and keep going? Sign up for my free e-course at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com with "SEND ME MY FREE ECOURSE" in the subject line.
Savvy aka Advancing: Takes herself and her development seriously. She expects others spouse/partner/children/etc. to also take her seriously. Interdependence is the key word for this stepping stone. This is the skillbuilding garden for growing victories.
Victorious: Makes time and space to boldly acknowledge victories. It doesn't matter if a victory means rising to the head of the company, overcoming fear of public speaking to make a presentation, or setting a boundary in order to gain more respect in the home.
Victory is something you do (not done by someone for you) that stretches you on the inside - doing something that is right and healthy for you but which you didn't think you could do. It's about getting past fear, criticism, disapproval or whatever else holds you back from being your best self.
Since we tend to occasionally move from one to another, it's really important to know TWO things:
1 - Which of the Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™ do you want to be on most of the time?
2 - Which one are you one most of the the time?
Knowing where you are, and where you want to be, is the key to developing a lifestyle that gets your started and keeps you going forward. It helps you choose what to keep, what to give away (and when), how to ask for help from your family, how much held to give...and when to pull back.
On which Stepping Stone am I most likely to find YOU, most of the time?
Think about it...
Annmarie
©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Want to get started and keep going? Sign up for my free e-course at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com with "SEND ME MY FREE ECOURSE" in the subject line.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Victory UP!
In the past couple posts I wrote about the four Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™: Victorious ∙ Savvy ∙ Surviving ∙ Victim. The first two, Victorious and Savvy, are the Stepping Stones which support a woman in victory. The latter, Surviving and Victim, sabotage victory. Here's a brief description of the sabotaging stepping stones:
Victim: Makes bad choices, doesn't hold self accountable for what happens, always blames someone or something else for problems. It's the "poor me" stepping stone.
Surviving: Convinces herself that she is satisfied (or stuck with) the status quo. Often lives vicariously through others, like spouse/partner/children. Fixing them is easier than fixing herself. It's the "settling" stepping stone and is fraught with overcaring tendencies.
Do you see yourself in either one of these. An occasional victim or surviving moment is OK, but do you live there? Your words and behaviors tell the story. Watch what you say and do. Think about it. Be radically honest with yourself.
I'll tell you about savvy and victorious in the next post.
With my best intentions,
Annmarie
Victim: Makes bad choices, doesn't hold self accountable for what happens, always blames someone or something else for problems. It's the "poor me" stepping stone.
Surviving: Convinces herself that she is satisfied (or stuck with) the status quo. Often lives vicariously through others, like spouse/partner/children. Fixing them is easier than fixing herself. It's the "settling" stepping stone and is fraught with overcaring tendencies.
Do you see yourself in either one of these. An occasional victim or surviving moment is OK, but do you live there? Your words and behaviors tell the story. Watch what you say and do. Think about it. Be radically honest with yourself.
I'll tell you about savvy and victorious in the next post.
With my best intentions,
Annmarie
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Victory Up! Stepping Up to Victory, Part II
My February 7 blog is the background for this posting. In it, in response to an email received at my Victorious Woman website, http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, I wrote about how a woman has the Power of Choice and can make a decision to refocus her life. I also included questions that she, or any of my readers, can use to help them step off the Victim Stepping Stone and into a better life. In this posting and the next, I’ll explain more about the Stepping Stones.
Victory Leaves Clues
When I researched women for my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories, I came to understand how strongly our lifestyle either supports or sabotages our victories. In interview after interview, I recognized the telltale signs of the Victorious Woman in the way she lived her life and the way she viewed her past (and present) challenges. Over time, I noticed specific patterns of thoughts and behaviors associated with different lifestyles. I grouped them together into four lifestyle choices. I called them STEPPING STONES because, while most of the time we take steps forward, we also occasionally step sideways or backward. Unfortunately, like my February 7 emailer, sometimes we get stuck in a lifestyle that isn’t good for us.
There are four Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™:
Victorious ∙ Savvy ∙ Surviving ∙ Victim
Since introducing the STEPPING STONES, I’ve received wonderful feedback from those who read Victorious Woman! attended one of my workshops or keynote addresses. What they tell me is that the STEPPING STONES showed them how their lifestyle – the small choices they made every day – either supported or sabotaged their goals, dreams, even their everyday routines. The STEPPING STONES showed them how to see their life differently and gave them a direction for moving forward.
With my workshop and teleseminar participants, once they have a direction, they utilize the Six Victory Skills to determine how to help themselves get stronger. Then, they apply the Victorious Woman Model for a practical approach for improving their lives.
I’ll share more STEPPING STONES information in my next post.
With the best intentions,
Annmarie
©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
You can learn more about the Stepping Stones, Victory Skills, Victorious Woman Model AND read the encouraging and inspirational stories of nine women who earned the title Victorious Woman in my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories. Available at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm and bookstores everywhere.
Victory Leaves Clues
When I researched women for my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories, I came to understand how strongly our lifestyle either supports or sabotages our victories. In interview after interview, I recognized the telltale signs of the Victorious Woman in the way she lived her life and the way she viewed her past (and present) challenges. Over time, I noticed specific patterns of thoughts and behaviors associated with different lifestyles. I grouped them together into four lifestyle choices. I called them STEPPING STONES because, while most of the time we take steps forward, we also occasionally step sideways or backward. Unfortunately, like my February 7 emailer, sometimes we get stuck in a lifestyle that isn’t good for us.
There are four Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™:
Victorious ∙ Savvy ∙ Surviving ∙ Victim
Since introducing the STEPPING STONES, I’ve received wonderful feedback from those who read Victorious Woman! attended one of my workshops or keynote addresses. What they tell me is that the STEPPING STONES showed them how their lifestyle – the small choices they made every day – either supported or sabotaged their goals, dreams, even their everyday routines. The STEPPING STONES showed them how to see their life differently and gave them a direction for moving forward.
With my workshop and teleseminar participants, once they have a direction, they utilize the Six Victory Skills to determine how to help themselves get stronger. Then, they apply the Victorious Woman Model for a practical approach for improving their lives.
I’ll share more STEPPING STONES information in my next post.
With the best intentions,
Annmarie
©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
You can learn more about the Stepping Stones, Victory Skills, Victorious Woman Model AND read the encouraging and inspirational stories of nine women who earned the title Victorious Woman in my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories. Available at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm and bookstores everywhere.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Victory Up: Stepping Up to Victory
Recently, I received an email submission at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, my Victorious Woman website. In it, a woman writes about how her family dismissed her “like she didn't exist at all,” and was “given away like a used piece of furniture, no longer needed.” She doesn’t say how she was given away or by whom (adoption, spousal abandonment, ignored by her children…or something else). However, she says that she still carries the effects of abuse, neglect & abandonment 30 years later and refers to someone (presumably her) who, because of family members, “wakes up everyday of their life wishing that they were never born.”
Obviously, this woman is in great emotional pain. Her email ends wanting to know what I think of her family for treating her so badly. I have several responses, which I’ll address both to her and to my other readers.
First of all, the emailer only wants commentary on the people she believes wronged her. That makes me think she is choosing to live her life as a victim, a thought process (not a reality) that becomes a lifestyle filled with blame for others with an inordinate focus on self, and too much time spent indulging in self-pity. It’s unhealthy for any woman to use so much precious time focusing on and needing justification for past hurts. It’s far more beneficial and self-nourishing for a woman to put her thoughts on what she has control over – that is, working toward a happier, more compelling future. I believe spending each day (for 30 years!) regretting being born is a waste of time…and life.
Next, whenever I strategize with any woman about her life, it’s her victory (or potential victory) that I focus on more than anything else. None of us can change our past, but we can be victorious over it. The only way we can do that is by concentrating on the things we can change – about our behaviors or specific parts of our life, such as our work, family, leisure, etc.
So, if I was talking to you, I would ask these questions:
- Why do you want me to only focus on the other people, not you?
- What have you done to better your life, in spite of your family?
- What responsibility are you taking for your life?
- If you would become victorious over this situation, what would that look like?
- What are your current plans for self-improvement?
- What are you doing TODAY to make this day happy?
Whatever the answers, if you are a woman who feels victimized by life, you need to start believing that you have the POWER OF CHOICE. Everyone chooses whether to live in sadness, depression and regret OR chooses to give up the victim lifestyle and make a better life. Quit looking for acceptance from people who don’t, and maybe can’t, give it.
Look instead to the future and CHOOSE TO REFOCUS your life. In this very moment, commit your thoughts and actions to taking only strong and positive steps forward. In the beginning, that could mean something as simple as finding one positive thing each day to look forward to. Just that small step will lift your spirits each day and get you on a victory path.
From my own experience in an abusive family, I know creating victory is easier said than done. Sometimes, you need professional help in dealing with your feelings. If that’s the case, commit to getting it. Or, you may have a greater need for a support group. There are churches and organizations that have meetings for dealing with nearly every difficult life situation. Find one and go. I personally have done both over the years and have found the effort worth the time, money and energy. Whichever you choose, take positive action, start now and don’t give up!
Finally, set goals and work on them. Start with something small and build your confidence. Create your own victories. I know from experience that, while victory is different for every woman, only you can make it happen for yourself. I also know that one victory usually leads to another…and another.
Also, I pray that you learn that you are loved. Remember, however, as Victorious Woman Tekki teaches us, the most powerful love is the one you have for yourself.
For my readers who want to read more on this topic next week, check back next week and I’ll talk a little about the Stepping Stones to Victory.
With the best intentions,
Annmarie
©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Obviously, this woman is in great emotional pain. Her email ends wanting to know what I think of her family for treating her so badly. I have several responses, which I’ll address both to her and to my other readers.
First of all, the emailer only wants commentary on the people she believes wronged her. That makes me think she is choosing to live her life as a victim, a thought process (not a reality) that becomes a lifestyle filled with blame for others with an inordinate focus on self, and too much time spent indulging in self-pity. It’s unhealthy for any woman to use so much precious time focusing on and needing justification for past hurts. It’s far more beneficial and self-nourishing for a woman to put her thoughts on what she has control over – that is, working toward a happier, more compelling future. I believe spending each day (for 30 years!) regretting being born is a waste of time…and life.
Next, whenever I strategize with any woman about her life, it’s her victory (or potential victory) that I focus on more than anything else. None of us can change our past, but we can be victorious over it. The only way we can do that is by concentrating on the things we can change – about our behaviors or specific parts of our life, such as our work, family, leisure, etc.
So, if I was talking to you, I would ask these questions:
- Why do you want me to only focus on the other people, not you?
- What have you done to better your life, in spite of your family?
- What responsibility are you taking for your life?
- If you would become victorious over this situation, what would that look like?
- What are your current plans for self-improvement?
- What are you doing TODAY to make this day happy?
Whatever the answers, if you are a woman who feels victimized by life, you need to start believing that you have the POWER OF CHOICE. Everyone chooses whether to live in sadness, depression and regret OR chooses to give up the victim lifestyle and make a better life. Quit looking for acceptance from people who don’t, and maybe can’t, give it.
Look instead to the future and CHOOSE TO REFOCUS your life. In this very moment, commit your thoughts and actions to taking only strong and positive steps forward. In the beginning, that could mean something as simple as finding one positive thing each day to look forward to. Just that small step will lift your spirits each day and get you on a victory path.
From my own experience in an abusive family, I know creating victory is easier said than done. Sometimes, you need professional help in dealing with your feelings. If that’s the case, commit to getting it. Or, you may have a greater need for a support group. There are churches and organizations that have meetings for dealing with nearly every difficult life situation. Find one and go. I personally have done both over the years and have found the effort worth the time, money and energy. Whichever you choose, take positive action, start now and don’t give up!
Finally, set goals and work on them. Start with something small and build your confidence. Create your own victories. I know from experience that, while victory is different for every woman, only you can make it happen for yourself. I also know that one victory usually leads to another…and another.
Also, I pray that you learn that you are loved. Remember, however, as Victorious Woman Tekki teaches us, the most powerful love is the one you have for yourself.
For my readers who want to read more on this topic next week, check back next week and I’ll talk a little about the Stepping Stones to Victory.
With the best intentions,
Annmarie
©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
Victory Up
Welcome to the Victorious Woman Journal!
Come to this space to read about how to make your life more worth living, more satisfying, more of how you want your life to be.
Learn more about Victorious Woman at www.victoriouswoman.com.
Come to this space to read about how to make your life more worth living, more satisfying, more of how you want your life to be.
Learn more about Victorious Woman at www.victoriouswoman.com.
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