Victorious Woman Journal

Join me TODAY at 2 Eileen Fisher Stores

2010-05-06T08:51:00.004-04:00

Today I get to Celebrate Victory with the wonderful women at Eileen Fisher in Ardmore PA and the Plaza of King of Prussia.

If you don't already know about Eileen Fisher, she's an amazing designer who encourages women to follow their dreams and celebrates them when they do. And, she puts her money where her mouth is by providing grants for women entrepreneurs.

Here's what Eileen says about why she invests in other women:

"...women have helped me so much. Because I've struggled as a woman, because women support our company and we want to support women. We're in a good position to sort of give back. It's sort of a snowball effect. It's more magic."

The amazing thing is that the women who work at Eileen Fisher carry that energy into their work and with each other. You can feel it when you're there. The women like working with Eileen Fisher and really honor their founder's vision in the way they serve their customers and even in the way they treat each other.

When I was talking to Sue in King of Prussia, she told me about her co-worker Cliche whom she called "an amazing woman". When I was in Ardmore, Peggy filled me in on all the wonderful women-supporting projects that Carolyn get involved with - and brings them along as volunteers.

Join me today for fashion, food, fun, and...VICTORY!
Ardmore: 11:30-2:30
King of Prussia: 4:30-6:30
More information: http://tiny.cc//VictoriousWomanMonth

It's VICTORIOUS WOMAN MONTH and I'm all fired up!

2010-05-04T12:04:00.003-04:00

International Victorious Woman Month has started off with a bang!

Here are five way you can get involved this week:

1 - Enter the Victorious Woman Contest:
http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwcontest.htm

2 - Download the "Thirty Days to Victory" calendar - It's a victory-tickler for each day in May:
http://tinyurl.com/VictoryCalendar

3 - Tune into Shannon's Corner today at 1pmEDT: In New York on WTBQ 1110am; Streaming Live Worldwide: http://wtbq.com/

4 - Lunch and Victory at Eileen Fisher Ardmore May 6 11:30-2:30pm
Directions: http://tinyurl.com/EF-ARD

5 - Happy Hour at Eileen Fisher King of Prussia May 6 4:30-6:30
Directions: http://tinyurl.com/EF-KofP

Get a jump on next week:
Victory Up! Teleseminar 12-1pm
There's no fee, but you MUST register.
http://www.victoriouswoman.com/may10_teleseminar.html

Make this a Victorious Month to remember!

Victoriously yours,
Annmarie

Back to Work

2010-03-12T15:49:00.011-05:00

Thank you all for the many good thoughts and kind sentiments you sent me during the final illness and subsequent death of my mother. I took some time off to take care of her business and myself. I’m back to work on 3/15 and I look forward to sharing the many important life lessons I learned during those difficult months.

In September 2007 my mother made a very challenging move to her first apartment in a retirement community. I awarded her the Victorious Woman honor then, and you can read it now by clicking on the title link.

Holiday Stress-Busters for Working Women

2009-12-22T11:24:00.002-05:00

Are you juggling work, caregiving and the holidays? Feeling the holiday stress? Me too!

I don't know about how it’s been at your workplace, but these past few months have been exceptionally busy for me! On the business side, I presented at women’s leadership conferences in Philadelphia PA and Asheville NC. I also facilitated several corporate and public workshops on communication, management and leadership skills for women. The conferences and classes were great!

At the same time, however, during October and November, my mom was in and out of the hospital and skilled nursing care. Happily, she’s back to independent living - with the help of home nursing and me.

My mother's illness reminded me of two self-care tips and, for all you caregivers, I'm sharing them with you this holiday season.

Here’s the first one: Watch Out for Overcare
One Sunday in November, somewhere between presenting at a Saturday conference and picking my mother up for a family party, I got a "nervous stomach". It took a full day before I realized what the problem was. Yes, I was in overcare. In spite of all the seminars and workshops I've given on overcare and how it happens, I fell into it anyway.

Overcare happens to any of us when we upset the balance between our own self-care and caring for others. It happens because we put our own care on the back burner while being busy taking care of parents, or children, or both. Overcare also happens during certain times or events, like getting ready for the holidays. The result? We run down, maybe get ill, and then miss work or a special event.

Once I realized I was "in it" I started rebalancing. For me, breaking the cycle meant blocking off thirty minutes a few times a week for exercise and prioritizing that time. Also, I restarted my vitamin regime and made appointments with a chiropractor. Small things but they are making a big difference.

Here's how a couple other women broke their cycle of overcare:
- Business owner Maria signed up for art classes and re-ignited her passion for painting. Now she looks forward to the time she spends in her "studio" - even though it's just a section of the basement where she goes once or twice a week
- Stay-at-home mom Kathy goes to lunch every Saturday with her sisters. She loves that while she's getting some stress relief, her spouse has "time to bond" with their four children

Question: What about you? What’s ONE THING you can do – just for yourself – this holiday season?

Here’s the second: Remember the Moments
For most of us, time zips by, one day into the next. And during the busiest moments, like Christmas and the holidays, we get so caught up in what we’re doing that we often forget to just stop and enjoy the moment.

That's what I realized during one of the all-night ER stays with my mom. The two of us were laughing about how all the medical staff kept saying she didn't look her age. Then, all of a sudden, she became very wistful about her ninety years and said, “It went so fast.” Her words startled me. Later I thought, “How could that be? How could that many years seem 'so fast'?" But then I thought about how long I’ve known my spouse, Joseph – nearly twenty-five years. It doesn’t seem so long ago that I wondered if I’d ever meet someone I’d want to marry…and now it’s nearly a quarter of a century ago. How did that happen? It went so fast.

In recent talks with my mother, I’ve realized that what really stands out in our memory isn't a "big" event. What makes up the best part of our lives are the little moments. When we are alone, it's the memories of our moments that come back to us. It's up to us if those memory-moments warm and comfort us, or make us feel sad.

So here’s the thing I'm urging you to do, starting today. STOP and pay attention to what’s happening around you. Make a point to take a mental picture of something, like a special look someone gives you or an intimate moment with a loved one. And also internally record your child’s laugh or a kind word someone says that touches your heart. Jot it down in your journal too. Don’t have time to journal? Then when you email a friend about something special that happened, make a copy and file it – it can substitute for that journal entry you might not make time to write. Bottom line: Do something to help your mind remember your best moments.

And if you are still struggling with Overcare into the New Year:
On January 18, I’ll be offering a free teleseminar on Breaking the Cycle of Overcare. Details will be going out to my mailing list right after Christmas, or you can email me at info@victoriouswoman.com, with Overcare in the subject line.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas! and a Magical Holiday Season!

Memories of the DC Sniper

2009-11-12T09:28:00.003-05:00

Yesterday’s news reported that the so-called DC Sniper, John Allen Mohammed, was executed at 9:11pm. There wasn’t much fanfare about it, at least not that I saw or heard. But it was a big deal to me.

In 2002, the American Society for Training and Development was having their annual International Leadership Conference in the DC area. I was one of the speakers. In the days before the conference, there was much concern in the ASTD organization about attendees cancelling their plans, how ASTD could best protect the attendees, etc. Personally, I had many calls with colleagues about our own concerns. My spouse and I had seemingly constant conversations about safety. One of my close friends asked me not to go. Of course I couldn’t cancel because I’d made a commitment. Still, I was as nervous about the travel as anyone.

On the day I was leaving for DC, police arrested Mohammed and his young cohort, Lee Boyd Malvo. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. And while no one publicly made reference to the events, the fear of terrorism was spoken about privately.

When I heard the news yesterday, I didn’t think about the right or wrong of the execution, but instead thought about the people who were gunned down while doing everyday things: the women who was vacuuming her car, a guy getting gas and one who was mowing his lawn, the woman who was putting things in her car after leaving Home Depot and another just sitting on a bench reading a book. I thought about them and the others. For their families, I said a silent prayer.

Whew! What an autumn for caregiving!

2009-11-12T08:51:00.006-05:00

About six weeks ago, I took my elderly mother to the doctor for a regular visit. It wasn't her GP, but the doctor we saw had a concern about her legs and suggested we she her GP the next morning. We never got the chance. That night I took my mother to the emergency room of my local hospital. We waited and waited for hours and when we finally saw the doctor, she was admitted, ten hours after we got there!

That was just the beginning. She was discharged a few days later and was staying at my home when a bad reaction between medications nearly killed her. A 911 call and and an ER visit later, she was back in the hospital. Then she was a couple weeks in skilled nursing.

Now my mother is back in her own home with home health care and me keeping an eye on her. She's doing well.

Here's the interesting part: I have 3 siblings and 5 nieces and nephews. No one has bothered to do anything - no visits and no calls, EXCEPT for one (short) visit by my oldest brother. When I saw her about an hour later, my mother was all upset. She said my brother cried. CRIED! The reason? He cried because she hadn't called him. Seriously! This grown man, visiting his mother who nearly died a few hours earlier and was still touch and go, cried to his mommy because she made him feel bad by nearly dying and not letting him know!

Are you in that kind of situation too? Are you balancing a career and parental caregiving? Do you have siblings but are the sole caregiver for an aging parent? When you ask for specific help, does the rest of the family tell you they are "too busy" to do anything...practically implying that it's all on you because you have nothing else to do?

If my experience sounds like your own, you aren't alone. There are many people, and mostly women, who are straddled with caregiving while their siblings sit around waiting to see how much money is going to be left at the end.

What can you do?

First, recognize that some siblings habitually make excuses for their bad behavior. Or, like my brother, showed his irresponsibility by making my mother feel that his lack of caring was her fault. It's a technique a lot of people use to get out of doing anything, and not feeling bad about it. If someone is doing this to you, speak up. Don't accept responsibility - especially emotional responsibility - for someone else's failures.

Next, protect yourself. Make sure you incorporate some good thing to look forward to each and every day. Like last Friday, when my stressful mom-morning was erased during a relaxing lunch with a friend and colleague. Over a plate of pasta, a glass of wine and a few laughs, my body relaxed and my mind was stimulated by our lively conversation. I left renewed, and reminded that victories don't happen in a vacuum. Victory happens through attitude, behavior and consciousness.

What about you? Are you a lone ranger caregiver? What have you learned about keeping yourself together that you can share?

Is Relaxation a Waste of Time?

2009-09-18T09:21:00.004-04:00

I just returned from vacation is Maine. I stay in a somewhat remote part of Mt. Dessert Island, so cellphone and internet access isn't readily available. It always takes a couple days to get used to be disconnected; once I do, however, I really like it!

Now I've been back for a couple days, and I'm already really missing not getting 50 emails a day. And I miss the hiking, afternoon naps, and happy hours. And the views. I'm attaching a couple pictures taken in and around Acadia National Park. It's heaven to me!

Being away reminded me about how important making time for fun and relaxation is. The more I relaxed, the more focused my mind got on what's important about my life and my future. I had so many good ideas; they just seemed to flow. Normally I'm so caught up with everyday routines, that I really noticed the positive difference. I made notes about my ideas so that when I got back to my normal life, I could take action on them.

Now that I'm home, I'm amazed at the insights I had, and the good ideas. It reminds me that I need to add more of that "do nothing" time into my life.

How about you? Do you find that you are always so caught up in the agendas of other people that you don't make time to breathe deep, let alone focus on what you want and how to get it?

Leadership is about having a vision and taking your life in the direction of your vision. "Do nothing" time helps you get clear, solve problems, work out the head trash that holds you back. Yet, we are all so busy that we push that special time away.

What ideas do you have for making time for "do nothing" time?

Book Review: Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards

2009-09-15T14:47:00.006-04:00

While I was on vacation, I read Elizabeth Edwards recent book, Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life’s Adversities. I was looking forward to the read because I've admired Ms. Edwards for the strong and graceful way she's handled herself while campaigning for her spouse, fighting terminal cancer and dealing with the adultery of spouse John Edwards.

When I finished, I posted a review in my examiner.com column; it wasn't favorable because I felt snookered by title. If it was Reflections, or My Life, I could have warmly accepted this book's content. But Resilience? I didn't feel the title matched the content.

When I got back to work this week, I started reading the comments. Many are the kind of things some women say that encourage other women to keep surviving, settling, limiting their own power. I don't see any victory in accepting the status quo, keeping the peace, putting on a happy face, not wanting to rock the boat, making do, or making sure everyone else is happy and satisfied, all while you are dying inside. That isn't resilience, at best, it's simple survival.

One reader commented that I'm naive. She said there are different "clubs" that we don't choose (illness, betrayal, loss of a child), and implied that I don't understand. Yes, I do. I understand all too well. My understanding colors my viewpoint. Though I'm not a "member" of one of the above mentioned clubs, my earlier life was riddled with family dysfunction, much of which continues to this day...without me being in it. Once I realized that I didn't have to live like that, and could make better choices, I did. I was determined that craziness would not rule my life; I would make a better life for myself. I have. When I knew better, I did better.

Over the past seven years, I've interviewed hundreds of women who have done the same. Most of them did not have Elizabeth Edwards upbringing, education or financial resources. They demonstrated their resilience through illness, betrayal, abuse, etc. The result was victory.

Still, I'm glad I read the book and see Ms. Edwards in a new light. And, in agreement with the general tone of the comments, I say, "God Bless You, Elizabeth!"

You can read the review and comments at http://tinyurl.com/ResilienceBookReview

Could You Do This? Would You?

2009-07-13T06:40:00.004-04:00

Carla and Caroline’s Excellent Adventure.

How cool is this? Carla Wilson, Executive VA, is walking across England – from coast to coast – with her childhood girlfriend, Caroline. This is a long walk…and considered one of the top ten hikes in the world: “190 miles of sheer hiking pleasure, from the Irish Sea to the North Sea, taking in three national parks: the Lake District, where England's highest mountains are found; the long green valleys of the Yorkshire Dales (of James Herriot fame); and the sometimes bleak but often dramatic landscapes of the North Yorkshire Moors.”

Carla and Caroline started planning – and training - for this trip nearly a year ago. They have had obstacles galore, including travel problems with the online service with which they booked their flight. But, in spite of them, Carla and Caroline left on Friday and started hiking on Sunday. They’ll be gone for nearly three weeks.

When I interviewed Carla just before she left, she was beside herself with excitement. She told me that, in addition to savoring the awesomeness of what she was doing, she was glad to have the girlfriend time with Caroline. On top of that, she was looking forward being alone with her thoughts and letting her mind relax into daydreaming some new goals.

When I asked Carla how her family felt about her being gone so long, she laughed. She said that her spouse was already missing her but her teenage son seemed glad to have his doting mom away for a while. But then her voice got more serious as she explained that her mother-in-law is very ill, and has been for a long time. Part of Carla's planning included a long conversation with her spouse about what to do if she should pass away while Carla’s gone. In the end, they agreed that she won’t shortcut her trip. Pretty courageous move, for both of them.

In the same serious vein, Carla told me that her trip coincides with the one-year anniversary of her cousin’s death from melanoma. To keep her motivated, Carla said, “I felt I needed to walk with a higher purpose.” So the women set up a website seeking donations for melanoma research so they “can help kick cancer’s butt!” They already reached 50% of their goal of $1900. Their donation page is http://tinyurl.com/carla-and-caroline

In addition, each day Carla is walking with the name of someone they know who has cancer. On one day of their trip, they’ll be walking for Theresa Hummel, who’s been battling cancer most of this year. She's the awesome mother of my colleague and friend Theresa Hummel Krallinger.

What about you? Victory is about life leadership. It's about making that stretch out of your comfort zone and step into your greater and more powerful self - the person you were born to be. So...

Do you have an adventure that you dream about?
Have you been putting it off because you don’t have the money, or the time, or you don’t think you can leave your family, or you’re afraid something “big” will happen while you are away?
What if you stopped procrastinating and started moving forward…what would you do and how would you do it?

And now that you've gotten this far, make it real. Follow Carla and Caroline's lead: Plan what you want to do, how you can do it and take action. Do it NOW.

If you need some help, join me in the fall for one of several teleseminars I'm offering that will help you get started. The fall seminar schedule comes out August 1. Get yours delivered to you by email in the Victorious Woman e-newsletter: http://www.victoriouswoman.com.

In victory,
Annmarie

Jenny Sanford Takes The Lead!

2009-06-29T10:30:00.003-04:00

Women everywhere are applauding Jenny Sanford! After years of feeling embarrassed when seeing the public humiliation of “stand by your man” political spouses, women were generally thrilled to see a better model.

Unlike Mrs. Clinton, Mrs. McGreevy, and Mrs. Spitzer before her, to name just a few, Jenny Sanford let the man who dishonored her stand alone while he told his constituents that he was a liar and a cheat. A few days later, as though reporters thought it mattered to her, they asked Ms. Sanford about the governor’s political future. With absolute certainty, she told them it wasn’t her concern. She didn’t care. And, after all, if he was so careless with his career, why should she do anything to help him save it?

Doesn't it make you wonder with so much at stake, why men cheat?

I asked a lot of men that question. said some just shrugged and said they didn’t know. Some just shrugged, others said the men were stupid. But many men echoed the sentiments of one bottom-line guy who admitted, ‘men do it because they can.’ In a society that embraces a sliding moral scale and celebrates instant gratification, cheaters find an abundance of excuses to defend their bad behavior. These days, even ‘it just happened’ has become a justification for adultery (for both men and women).”

Don't you think that's one of the most annoyingly dishonest tales anyone can ever tell? And who believes it anyway? Nobody! C'mon, we all know there’s a lot time between loving one’s spouse in a committed relationship, then meeting another person, exchanging a few emails and escalating the casual conversation into an affair. The logistics alone demand some kind of thought process. Cheating doesn’t ‘just happen’ any place but in erotic books.

Here are four things a spouse who's been cheated on can do to take back control of their lives:

1 - Let the dog clean up his own mess. Sure, maybe you still love him. But remember, all the while you were loving him and taking care of his home and family, he was getting his kicks with someone else.

2 - Get angry! Dig down to your deepest places and let the emotion out. Scream it out, journal it out, break things, whatever you need to do to vent that emotion. Those feelings of ‘how dare he?” and “how could he do that to me?” are really strong, especially if you feel you’ve accommodated him in every way you could.

3 – Think of yourself. You didn’t make this happen, so don’t blame yourself. Also, you are likely to suffer some serious depression, which can result in self-destructive and even life-threatening reactions. Why should that happen to you for some behavior you didn’t initiate? Think about what you need to do for yourself and…

4 - Seek qualified help. Once you start letting go of some of your initial anger, you need to sort out your feelings. If you have children, they need to do the same. Find a qualified therapist and make weekly appointments – more often if they help. The sooner you start making some sense of your feelings, the sooner you will heal. There’s no reason to let this awful thing result in a health issue that destroys your life.

No one wants to have their marriage turn out like this, but it happens. I think harsher attitudes toward cheating could make it happen less. I think Jenny Sanford is showing the way.

What do you think?

Also, what other suggestions to you have for spouses who've been cheated on??

Victorious Woman Contest Winners!

2009-06-15T15:31:00.005-04:00

Our five judges are finished and made their picks. The returning judges told me that the essays this year were, overall, even better than 2008. Thank you to all of you who sent contest entries!!

The winners of the 2009 Victorious Woman Essay Contest are:

1st Prize:Amy Sherman
Overcoming Adversity: We're All Winners

2nd Prize: Amalia Starr
Second Chances

3rd Prize: Donna Johnson
Dancing in the Rain

CONGRATULATIONS TO EACH OF YOU!!

The winning essays will be posted online over the next few months. In fact, right now you can read about Amy Sherman’s health challenge, how she dealt with it and what she's doing now at: http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm

The 2010 Victorious Woman Essay Contest will open up in March of next year. To get on the early-notification list and also receive other Victorious Woman updates and news, sign up for the Victorious Voices newsletter at: http://www.victoriouswoman.com

Make this month a victorious one!
Annmarie

The Teal Tea

2009-05-08T17:39:00.004-04:00

Last Sunday I drove to Trenton NJ for the Teal Tea. I had the honor of presenting the Victorious Woman April’09 award to its founder, Jean Shipos.

Brief background: Jean beat ovarian cancer TWICE! She’s now past the five year marker (the 2nd one). Jean, like our other Victorious Woman Honorees, is using her challenge of a lifetime and subsequent victory to educate, encourage and inspire other women who are battling cancer. She’s doing that through the Teal Tea Foundation. Its mission is to raise awareness about ovarian cancer and its detection and support research for the cure. time). You can read Jean’s story at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm.

The Teal Tea: If you are like me, your heart would have been uplifted when you entered the hotel ballroom and saw the specially - and spectacularly - decorated tables, each one different. The room was filled with the 300+ guests, mostly women. The air was charged with their energy and enthusiasm; it reverberated throughout the room.

When I arrived at the Teal Tea, its publicist Mary Jane Crawford was my guide. I sat between Lois, a cancer survivor, and Vanessa, whose mother and grandmother died from cancer. Thank you each for making me feel welcome!!

After the award presentation, Jean introduced me to Sharon, whose son died of Leukemia. She is the founder of the Kisses for Kyle Foundation to help Philadelphia PA area children with cancer and their families, in the area.

During the whole event, Jean Shipos worked tirelessly. Her passion for making the event both fun and purposeful was evident. She barely sat down; between coordinating events with the leader of the wonderful jazz band, overseeing the competitions for “Best Table” or “Best Hat” or watching out for Mr. & Mrs. Teal Tea, Jean was busy from beginning to end.

Of course, and Jean would be the first to tell you, she didn't do it alone. She had so many volunteers that it seemed as though all the attendees doubled as volunteers. That’s because everyone knew they were there because (1) they want to find a better detection tool for finding ovarian cancer and (2) they want to find a cure so that no one else, or no one's loved one, has to hear that devastating diagnosis.

It won’t be long before Jean Shipos starts getting ready for the 2010 Teal Tea. If you would like to donate to her cause – money, sponsorship, gifts for silent auction or anything else, Jean would love to talk with you. You can learn more about the Teal Tea at http://www.tealtea.com.

Last Chance: If you haven't downloaded the 2009 Victory Calendar yet, do it now: http://tinyurl.com/victory09

You still have time to enter the Victorious Woman Essay Contest: http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwcontest.htm

What Mom's Really Want for Mother's Day

2009-05-07T09:49:00.004-04:00

Wherever I go, it seems women are talking about how they don't feel anyone appreciates what they do for their families, their work, etc. Most moms feel they are there for their families, but when mom needs them to step up and do something for her, everyone seems to get busy.

So, when it comes to Mother's Day, I can't tell you how many women tell me how they put a smile on their face and say thank you for what their children give them - knowing that tomorrow they'll go back to being the invisible family member.

Here's a link to the article...let me know how you feel about it: http://tinyurl.com/whatmomwants

Thirty-One Tips for Victory

2009-05-01T14:43:00.002-04:00

To help you connect with your inner Victorious Woman, the Victorious Woman Project has a free download of the Victorious Woman Month Calendar. Each day has a tip for connecting with your amazing Victorious Woman SELF - and inviting others to join you in this wonderful celebration of women.

It's fun and inspiring, and available at http://tinyurl.com/victory09

Victorious Woman Month Starts Today!

2009-05-01T14:08:00.005-04:00

May is International Victorious Woman Month.

The Victorious Woman Project, whose mission is to empower women to love their lives and live victoriously, is kicking off its annual Victorious Woman Month celebrations, starting with the Victorious Woman Essay Contest. The contest, open to all women worldwide, acknoledeges women for their specific achievements.

Unlike some awards which recognize specifc goals, the Victorious Woman Essay Contest welcomes women to showcase the emotional stretch they made to overcome obstacles they faced on their journey. Contest closes on May 13 and winners will be announced on May 30.

In addition to the annual contest, author and speaker Annmarie Kelly is offering three free teleseminars, the very special Victorious Woman Month Calendar (free download), will be featured on the radio and is hosting the annual Victorious Woman Celebration on May 28

How can you get involved?
1 - Sign on to the Victorious Woman mailing list for event listings announcements: www.victoriouswoman.com
2 - Enter the Victorious Woman Essay Contest - there's still time, you have until May 13 to submit your entry: http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwcontest.htm
3 - Download the calendar and do the suggested activities: http://tinyurl.com/victory09
4 - Create your own Victorious Woman celebration May 28 and get your friends celebrating their own and each other's victories

Have an incredible and VICTORIOUS Month!

Susan Boyle - More than Britain's Talent

2009-04-16T23:11:00.005-04:00

If you didn’t see and hear Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent, check her out on YouTube.

Susan Boyle is a 47-year-old woman who says she’s never been kissed, in fact, she said she’s never even had a date. She still lives in the house in which she grew up and cared for her parents. Before dying, Susan’s mother told Susan to make something of herself. When Simon Cowell asked her why she hadn’t been successful with a singing career until now, Susan said she’d never been given the chance. She hoped the reality show would be her opportunity.

Can you imagine how Susan Boyle felt? Don’t you wonder how she had the guts to get on that stage? Then, after subtle mocking from not only Simon but the whole audience, don't you wonder how she still kept it together enough to sing...magnificently?

Susan Boyle did five things that opened the door for her: She believed in honoring her commitments, she honed her skill, never gave up, didn’t let her age stop her, and she showed up.

“So what?” you say, "What’s that mean to me?"

Maybe everything. Like Susan Boyle, you don't know where life is going to take you. If life hasn’t turned out the way you wanted, you don't pack it in. Instead, you do what Boyle did, you keep doing your best so that when opportunity comes your way, you're ready. Following Boyle's lead, here's how:

Make a commitment to yourself and be serious about honoring it. It might also help if you commit to someone else, as in an accountability partner
Keep practicing what you do best. Maybe it’s not singing in the choir. Maybe your talent is organization and the only practice you get is organizing and managing the volunteers at your child’s school. Keep doing it. Recently, I met a woman whose talent is sewing. One day she made a handbag that got so many compliments, she began making and selling them. In one year, her hobby has grown into a business and a nice income.
NEVER give up. A dream deferred isn’t a dream denied.
Too old? Nonsense! Sometimes opportunities come your way with the confidence of experience.
SHOW UP – if you are always turning your back on an opportunity or saying “no, not now”, nothing will ever happen. You have to show up in your life by saying ‘yes’ to opportunities.

No matter where you are in your life, don’t go quietly into some obscure quiet life. Follow the Victorious Woman Model, just as Susan Boyle did, and LIVE OUT LOUD, IN LIVING COLOR.

In Victory,

Annmarie

Honoring Kay Presto During Women's Heritage Month

2009-03-19T16:32:00.004-04:00

When I first found out about Kay Presto, I was really impressed with what she managed to do in motor sports at a time when women weren't very welcome. I could hardly wait to talk to her. That's when (nod to Paul Harvey) I got "the rest of the story."

It was 1971 and Kay was only at the car races that day because her daughter was "queen" of the annual event. In fact, when the sports editor of the local paper asked her to write a column, she told him she had no experience. Kay didn't really want the job; she had just left a job so she could write a book and finish raising her four children. But the more she resisted, the more he insisted.

Back then, Kay had no idea what was in store for her. Kay became the first woman photojournalist in motor sports and carved out a career that excites her to this day. Her experiences are great reminders of how far women have come, and that's why she is the special Women's Heritage Month Victorious Woman Honoree.

Kay is such fun to talk to and, each time I have, I've left our conversations inspired and energized. You will be too when you read Kay Presto's story at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm

Resilience Triumphes Tragedy

2009-03-02T11:50:00.006-05:00

“I couldn’t have imagined that when I got out of the car that day, it would be the last time I would stand alone on my own two feet.”

Rosemarie Rossetti was talking about the day in 1998 that changed her life. It happened the weekend of Rosemarie and Mark’s 3rd wedding anniversary, on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in mid-June. Rosemarie and Mark decided the early summer weather was perfect for a bike ride. The couple mounted their bikes on the car and drove to their favorite bike path, a former railroad track that was part of Ohio’s “rails to trails” system. They rode side by side for a while, and then Rosemarie got a little bit ahead of Mark.

All of a sudden, there was a sound like a gunshot. Looking around, Rosemarie heard Mark shouting at her. She heard the panic in Mark's voice, took it as a warning, and sped up. It wasn’t what Mark was screaming for Rosemarie to do. What Mark saw when he looked around wasn’t someone with a gun. Instead, Mark saw was a 3.5 ton tree, laced with live electric power lines, falling toward Rosemarie. Mark watched helplessly as the tree crashed down, right on top of her. Rosemarie never knew what hit her.

Rosemarie's journey of resilience is a model for all of us - especially now, when all we seem to hear are the "ain't it awful" stories. As I said in my Fall'08 newsletter, "Though there’s no shortage of fear-laced, ominous messages about our economy, if you look at our history, DOWNTURNS – whether they are worldwide or personal – NEVER LAST FOREVER. Unless you let them." Rosemarie could have given up but as you'll read in her story, she took back her life. You will too!

Read Rosemarie's story and tell us your thoughts - including how you are being resilient and taking back your life. Also, learn more about Rosemarie Rossetti and about her Universal Design Living Laboratory.

In Victory,
Annmarie

Poverty to Prosperity for Hispanic Victorious Woman

2009-02-18T18:33:00.005-05:00

When little Connie Harryman found the purple gloves in the dumping ground where her family scavenged, she was only dreaming of success. As she grew up, she could easily have gotten sidetracked by life's twists and turns...but she didn't.

Instead, Connie dug down inside and found her victorious self. As a result, she made her dreams come true. How she did it is the reason The Victorious Woman Project honored Connie as its January 2009 Victorious Woman.

Read her story and let me know what you think. Also, check out Connie's website.

Chatting with Dr. Sally Witt

2009-02-02T10:36:00.009-05:00

What fun!

Last Saturday I was on Dr. Sally Witt's radio show on Blog Talk Radio. I know Dr. Sally, the "social networking maven" through the National Speaker's Association. She knows more than anyone I know about the business of social networking and recently spoke for our internet marketing conference...and received RAVE reviews. Dr. Sally combines a gentle, loving style with a natural effervescence. I had a lot of fun as we talked, laughed and shared information and women, success and victory. I think you'd enjoy listening to it so I linked the audio to the title of this blog.

Dr. Sally's radio show features experts on an eclectic group topics. For example, her guest on Friday was Tom Gray, an internet marketing guru. On Saturday's show, Dr. Sally teamed up with Heather Jumah of WealthSuccessandWomen, Inc., a site dedicated to empowering women through entrepreneurship. I was their first guest and was followed by Ruth Clark. Ruth started a company called Fashion Moves and designs clothing for people with disabilities. Her focus is on minimizing dressing challenges "for people who use wheelchairs or have other personal clothing needs" so those challenges don't interfere with their business and success. This week, guests include Daryl Snyder of Elevision and psychic Carol Obley.

Let me know how you like the show. I'd love your feedback.

Here are some websites you want to check out:
Sally Witt: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drsallywit and dr.sallywitt.com
Heather Jumah: http://wealthsuccessandwomen.com/
Ruth Clark: http://www.fashionmoves.org/
Tom Gray: http://www.gemsolv.com/wordpress/

Caroline Kennedy and Karyn Greenstreet: The Million Dollar Difference

2009-01-22T17:27:00.007-05:00

“I’m short, fat and have red hair.”

That’s how Karyn Greenstreet told me I’d recognize her. I laughed when she said it; her self-deprecating humor tickled me. A few days later, when meeting the well-known speaker and business coach at a conference, in a crowded hotel lobby, I recognized her instantly, and liked her immediately. Everything about Karyn was congruent and seemed to add to her confidence, which in turn, added to her credibility. By day’s end, everyone who attended her sessions felt the same way.

Congruency is something I think too few of us understand when it comes to success and our careers. According to the research, people make up their minds about us within the first second or two of meeting us. If we aren’t crystal clear about who we are and what we’re doing, it comes across. When we aren’t congruent, it’s almost like putting an invisible question mark over our name and image. Then, no matter how good we are in our entrepreneurial or corporate ventures, the cloud of uncertainty sticks in the minds of those we meet; unfortunately, it negatively impacts our career – and usually we can never figure out why.

It’s like Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg. For all the political power of the Kennedy machine, most people thought that Caroline Kennedy either didn’t really want the job or wasn’t qualified for it. It didn’t matter that her press statements insisted that she believed she would make a good senator for New York. When it came to her interviews, her incongruence was painfully obvious. Even worse, it was in stark contrast to the strong messages she conveyed during appearances in support of then-candidate Barack Obama. Unfortunately, when it came to her own prospects for Congress, Ms. Schlossberg never really seemed to embrace the idea of political life. In the end, she withdrew her name from consideration.

Do you think you are more like Karyn Greenstreet or Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg? How congruent are you? Does everything match? Do your attitudes and words match your look and behaviors?

If you aren’t getting where you want to go, maybe you need to look inside as well as outside, and ask yourself if the messages you are sending out to the public line up with what’s going on in your head and heart. Maybe there conflicts going on that you might not be aware of, but which others can clearly see.

If you don’t feel your passion for a business or a topic, others will feel it. If you are touting talking points you don’t fully embrace, others will know. If your work doesn’t match your values, it will show.

Which brings me back to Karyn Greenstreet…

Karyn’s passion is small business. Earlier this month she spoke for my National Speakers Association Mid-Atlantic chapter’s annual conference. She spoke about Search Engine Optimization (SEO) for small businesses. She delivered two great presentations and wowed our attendees with her knowledge and generosity in sharing information. Her coaching business is thriving and I believe it isn’t only because she’s knows her stuff. She does, of course, but also, she’s totally jazzed about what she does. She’s authentic from the inside out – and so self-accepting that she makes short, fat and red hair a plus for her image. People see her, feel how real she is, and believe she’s got what they need.

Check out Karyn’s website at www.passionforbusiness.com

New Year's Resolution - Success Tips for Women

2008-12-31T09:58:00.004-05:00

New Year, New You, right? HARDLY!

Did you know that women are more likely than men to make New Year's Resolutions (74% vs. 58%), yet only 14% of women actually succeed in following through on their good intentions? What happens?

I think it's that we tend to underestimate how much emotional energy we need to succeed. If you ask a hundred women why they quit working on a specific goal (and I have), most of the reasons will boil down to being emotionally worn out. The average woman gives so much to so many, and usually keeps very little for herself. It's one of the key ways we differ from men.”

As you plan to ring in 2009, I have some tips that takes emotional meltdowns into consideration. This year, you'll not only make a resolution, but be successful in keeping it. Here are the first two:

1. Pump Up The Passion. If accomplishing your New Year’s Resolution seems like a lot of work that doesn’t give you a lot of benefit, you’ll fail. Your reward has to outweigh the challenges.

What is it about your resolution that really jazzes you? For instance, why do you want a promotion? If you want it because it will give you more money or power, in what specific ways will money or power make your life better, happier or more satisfying? List the benefits and keep adding to them. Make the end result so incredibly attractive that you’ll keep going when the going gets tough – and it will.

2. Think ahead. As you planned recent holiday events, did you think about that one guest who doesn't eat meat, and made sure there was something vegetarian on the menu? Or what about the relative that is moody or drinks to much - didn't you anticipate what could go wrong and make a plan to handle it? Of course, you did. Women do it all the time for everyone else, both in and out of work, but we usually don’t think to apply the same process to our own success.

What do you think can be an obstacle to your success? If you want to get thin, what usually gets in your way of losing weight? Maybe you get home from work and just eat whatever is available, or eat fast food. So preplan your meals, including a quick snack that you can eat while you get the meal ready.

If you want to get a promotion at work, what do you think will stop you? Are you the kind of person who plays herself too small? Then get a book that will help you do better. I like the book BRAG! by Peggy Klaus. In fact, my Dangerous Dining Book Club read it in November, and we all agreed that we could learn to brag better.

Check back during January for more tips. And, email me to share ones that you've had success with...I look forward to hearing from you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Washington Crossed the Delaware on Christmas - and So Did I!

2008-12-26T00:48:00.007-05:00

It was freezing that day in 1776. General George Washington and his troops crossed from Pennsylvania into New Jersey during the American Revolutionary War. Washington devised the battle plan in an effort the keep British troops at bay. The strategy required his troops to cross the half-frozen river on a bitter cold Christmas day. It was a daring move, and it could have been a disaster, but it wasn't.

Every year, the famous crossing is reenacted. This year I was part of it. I didn't cross the river by boat (no one did - the waters were wild and dangerous), but I did walk across the Delaware on a wooden foot bridge. Bridges are a challenge for me, and when the opportunity appeared, I thought twice about going. But, using the steel handrail to steady myself, I took the 30-40 minute walk to New Jersey and back. It wasn't too cold and I dressed warmly, but the swirling waters beneath me made me a little dizzy...and I second-guessed my decision.

When I got back on solid ground, I was glad. I think it's good for me to move out of my comfort zone and challenge myself - and I think it's good for you too. I have some "getting started" ideas in my current newsletter. You can get the current issue by clicking on this post's title.

Hope and That Little Town of Bethlehem

2008-12-26T00:38:00.003-05:00

“O Little Town of Bethlehem” - you probably sang it this season, or at least heard it. Did you know the words were written in 1868, by a minister from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania? Isn't it amazing how timeless the sentiment is – “the hopes and fears of all the years” - fitting both a post-Civil War economy and a current-day recession. They are both part of our human experience.

Yet, if you focus on fear, you can make yourself a nervous wreck. Since you're constantly bombarded with negative news, you can worry about the economy, jobs and the state of the world, wondering what’s going to happen next. Maybe you have forgotten what it means to live within your means and, like so many of us, wrap values around the money-made “show” of your life, instead of the value-driven “flow” of it.

Still, in the midst of all the negativity, you can choose to feel hope. I do.

Many economists think that the economy will turn around by next fall. I hope they’re right. However, it’s in women that I have the most hope. It’s in you and me and the other women in my town – and yours. We are leaders in our families, at work, and in our communities. We all have a wonderful opportunity to learn (or maybe relearn) lessons about what we value that has nothing to do with money, and everything to do with meaningful living – or as pastor Rick Warren would describe – a purpose-driven life.

As you think about your life and the future this Christmas Day 2008, and your hopes and fears, what are some of the values you would like to focus on throughout this holiday season and into 2009? Will you refocus your behaviors to be more in line with integrity and honesty? Will your spending habits reflect good sense instead of instant gratification? What about practicing perseverance instead of giving up and focused living instead scattered and imbalanced lifestyles?

What values will be shaping your life over the next year or so? How about sharing them with other readers - you'll never know who you'll be helping!

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-11-27T10:03:00.004-05:00

Even though it's Thanksgiving, there seems to be nearly no way to avoid the doom and gloom news about how bad the economy. If you are one of those who is stressed out and worrying yourself sleepless because of money matters, here's a suggestion for a first-step toward financial peace and personal empowerment: PRACTICE GRATITUDE DAILY.

Don't roll your eyes...there is actual research that shows that those who practice gratitude aren't merely happier - though, frankly, wouldn't that be enough of a reason? In fact, research shows the attitude of gratitude also makes you healthier, more social, AND less dependent on material things to satisfy your needs and desires. In a tough economy, happiness helps you to adjust to change, sociability enables you to still have fun without spending tons of bucks, and less dependence on material things guides your spending and keeps you sane.

If you aren't already seeing your family, friends, job, house, etc. with a grateful eye, Thanksgiving is the perfect day to start. In everything you do today, think about what's good about it. Think about little things, like how good your bed feels and what a beautiful day it is. Then make a list of everyone you love and, thinking about every person you love, find one good thing about them for which you are thankful.

As you go through your day, refuse to focus on the imperfection and instead, find something good about it. If you don't like turkey, think about how good the desserts are. If you have a miserable relative who always makes trouble at dinner, be grateful that you'll go home without him or her.

If it seems hard, make a game of it with yourself and the people around you. Challenge each other to find good in whatever is going on around you. Make it serious...not joking about it.

Life isn't perfect, so stop looking for it to be that way. Look instead for what's good about your life, and be grateful. Consistently practicing gratitude will set you on a healtier path toward victory.

Personally, I am so grateful that I live in God's abundant universe and that my life is filled with wonderful people. That includes you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today’s Economy: Thriver Tips for Women

2008-11-25T10:57:00.003-05:00

Economists, financial commentators and even Oprah and Suze Orman have been warning us for years that a crisis was coming and our personal finances would be hit pretty hard. Now it’s here. The economy is who-knows-where, your 401K is a joke and the stock market’s ups and downs are making you feel queasier than riding a roller coaster. Whether you’re watching CNN, MSNBC, or your local news, all you hear at every turn is FEAR, FEAR, FEAR. You’re scared about what’s going to happen next and that this crisis could last for years. You know you set the tone in your life and in your household, what do you do?

The good news is that we’re all in this together, so as we make changes in our lifestyles, we won’t be alone. BUT, we each have to take responsibility for our own finances. That means YOU have to take action. Where do you start? What ideas do you have for dealing with this economy?

Send your tips to me, at info@victoriouswoman.com, and I'll send you my article, The Victorious Woman's Guide to Thriving, with SIX STEPS you can take to thrive inspite of today's current economic woes - starting today,

Pennsylvania Votes!

2008-11-04T15:59:00.003-05:00

I live in the red hot voting suburbs of Chester County, in "battleground" Pennsylvania. I'm a regular voter and usually walk in and out. This morning, however, I waited in the longest voting line of my lifetime. On my way out, the line had doubled. It seems that, this election, everyone wants to be heard.

Poll workers made the wait tolerable. They had donuts, coffee and even freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I spent the time reading a book I brought and chatting with neighbors I hadn't seen since the summer. My greatest stress was wondering how long my bladder would hold out. It did...just barely.

While I waited, I couldn't help but think that, no matter who wins, this is exciting. It's what our wonderful democracy is about, that is, being a population caring enough to make our vote heard. It's what “let freedom rings” means. Those aren't just words, it’s us we’re talking about – we’re freedom and our vote is our right to be heard, our freedom ringing. Not everyone around the world can do that, and it's what makes today so important, in so many ways.

When we vote, it’s one of the ways we express our approval or disapproval of the current system. And, it isn’t just about voting for a president once every four years. We have the priviledge of choosing our legislative representatives too, and we do that more often.

As a victorious woman, you know you have to stay on top of the events that affect your life. Yet too many of us don't know common civics. So, just in case you don’t already know, here are a few freedom-ringer basics:

There are three branches of our government at the national and state levels: executive, judicial and legislative.

We have two kinds of elections: general elections and primary elections.

The people who run in the general elections, held in November, are picked in the primary elections, usually held in the spring; we vote for them based on our party affiliation.

The President and his crew (the Cabinet) are the Executive Branch of government.

The Supreme Court is the Judicial Branch. Their job is to interpret the laws that Congress makes, based on our constitution. When a judge retires or dies, the president chooses a new judge to fill his/her place. If the president is a conservative (like Reagan or Bush), s/he is likely to add conservative judges while a liberal president, like Clinton, will probably add more liberal judges.

Our Senators and Representatives make up the Legislative Branch. They write the bills and make the laws that shape our way of life. Unfortunately, especially in recent years, they are also the ones who have added millions and millions of dollars worth of “junk” spending - usually to pay back the special interest groups who ply the legislature with special perks. No party is clean when it comes to porkbarrel spending...they are all equally guilty of spending our money on their special interests.

To understand the legislative process, go to YouTube and watch the three minute cartoon, “Schoolhouse Rock – How a Bill Becomes A Law".

You can find out how your senators and representative vote on many websites, like govtrack.us, votesmart.org, politico.org, thomas.loc.gov. You can find out what bills are voted on, which legislator voted and how, what kind of pork was included, and even find out who’s lobbying your politicians for votes for their special interests.

Once today’s votes are counted, we’ll have a new president. My hope is all of us who cared enough to stand in line today will keep the momentum rolling, get involved and make a difference. Unlike professional sports, politics isn't a game to watch and then go about our lives. The outcome really matters.

As the weeks go on, and the new president takes office and congress starts a new term, make a point to listen and read and evaluate the facts. Be wary of journalists, commentators and pundits. In the past, they prided themselves on keeping their politics private, but most of them no longer do. Just as the porkbarrel spending has increased, journalistic integrity has decreased. Instead, trust yourself and pay attention to the facts. When you know what’s going on, you – and we - can make our voices heard. WE can be loud enough to overshadow the lobbyists, and WE can hold our politicians to a standard that includes serving our best interests...not theirs.

It's our civic right...and responsibility. Let freedom ring!

Gibson Too Tough on Palin?

2008-09-12T11:15:00.005-04:00

So, women, what did you think of Sarah Palin's first interview? Today's buzz is all about whether Charlie Gibson was too tough on her or not. What do the pundits think we're supposed to be, whiny marshmallow chicks who can't hold our own in high positions?

Here's my Victorious Woman perspective - NO!

Sarah Palin is running for the second highest office in the US. Most of us know little about her and want to know who she is. Journalists should ask tough questions, to Palin...and all the candidates. You can't run for the highest offices and expect a pass because of gender...or race.

And therein lies the problem, as I see it. Barack Obama wasn't vetted much more than Palin before he stepped onto the national stage. When people wanted to know more, the press (who we should be able to trust to be unbiased) went crazy. Media coverage became so obviously Obama-d that (1) the Campbell Brown-hosted debate was parodied on Saturday Night Live (check YouTube) and even (2) the Democratic Governor of Pennsylvania, Ed Rendell, said the Obama coverage was "embarrassing" and that "certain media outlets were openly partisan, had really bought into Barack Obama as a savior."

Clearly, a real journalist who is doing her/his job, should be asking questions that show us a candidate's character. We all know their canned party line - no matter which party they are. It's the hard questions that show us who the candidate really is.

To all of you who embrace the Victorious Woman in you, and who want the best for all of us, here's my advice for the next two months:

1. Learn everything you can about the candidates. Look at their records. How have they voted and what have they done? Get online and get facts - not some writer's or commentator's opinion. Even if you surf around the political net for just 10-15 minutes a day, you can learn some interesting facts, instead of getting stuck with some cherry-picked soundbites in an ad.

2. Look for the candidate's congruence? In other words, do their current behaviors and history match their past ones?

3. When you hear a candidate speak, listen for their attitudes and beliefs. Find the person behind the words. Why? Because, when elected, that's who you'll see in the White House. When the president and vice-president are in office, they are under extreme stress. When you and I are under stress, we revert to our core values and character. So do they...and that's what you want to watch for in this election.

4. Be wary of preferential treatment, whether it's NBC, ABC, CNN, PBS, FOX, NY Times, Huffington Post, Bill O'Reilly...anyplace. If a journalist only gives a candidate softballs, we simply get to know a bunch of words. We don't get to know them.

To my American readers, when you vote in November - and voting is your sacred right - make sure you are voting for the candidate who most aligns with your values and vision.

In victory,
Annmarie

Sarah Palin – How sexist is it?

2008-09-05T10:23:00.002-04:00

What do you think about all the questions regarding Sarah Palin’s ability to serve as vice president because she has five children? Though still on vacation in Maine, but with both Democratic and Republican conventions going on, I can't help but getting political news...and it's making my blood boil. Last week I watched sexism happen with Hillary's speech supporting Barack Obama (see my thoughts in a previous blog below). This week, it's another kind of sexism with Sarah Palin.

Did anyone question Joe Biden when he suffered the tragic loss of his spouse and daughter in a car accident that left his two sons hospitalized for extended periods? Biden was a single parent who admitted that being a parent was more important than serving in the US Congress. He decided not to live in Washington so he could be home with his kids at night? Did anyone tell him to quit? NO. In fact, his was encouraged to continue his political career.

How about John Edwards? He’s an older father of two very young children and his spouse is battling life-threatening cancer. During his run for the presidential nomination, who questioned his ability to focus on the presidency because he was in the midst of personal crisis? NO ONE.

So, why is anyone discussing Sarah Palin’s ability to do her job while raising a family? Palin has already proved she can do a high profile job. Just like you, she is capable of functioning in higher level positions and raising a family.

This issue is about more than a female vice-president. It’s about you and your future success. Sure you can get those mid-level managerial jobs, but what about the executive positions. Do you think your career is suffering due to sexist-related concerns?

Tell me what you think.

By the way, check out my latest newsletter’s skillbuilding article and victory stretch about working women and guilt – with an Olympic twist.

Hillary Clinton - How sexist is it?

2008-09-05T10:18:00.002-04:00

Call it what you will, but long story short, the Democratic Party asked Hillary to step down so they could nominate Barack Obama. This time last year, Hillary was all but promised the nomination. Suddenly, the “super delegates” who once couldn’t wait to see Hillary be president, shifted to Obama. Adding salt to the wound, now the Dems have asked for Hillary’s help to get Obama elected.

Has that ever happened to you? Were you ever the frontrunner for a promotion and, in the end, were not only passed over for a less qualified male candidate, but then also asked to help get the man who got the promotion get up to speed?

How did you handle it? Let me hear from you so we can pass along your tips to other women.

Edwards and Hunter - What's Wrong?

2008-08-12T11:02:00.003-04:00

So it’s happened again. Another ego-driven politician in a sex scandal swearing it isn’t true until (surprise!) there’s proof. Nothing new, just change the names and faces to Clinton, Morris, or any of the amazingly long list, and it’s the same story.

There is no justification for what Edwards did – and he agrees. And who knows if this is the first time…or just the first time Edwards got caught.

And what about Rielle Hunter?
She’s an over-forty woman who is old enough to know better. She knew John Edwards was married with children – including a couple young ones – and knew he was in all the media, including on Oprah, talking about his politics and fluffing about his relationship with his spouse. Then, and now, she knows Elizabeth Edwards is suffering from an incurable cancer. So why did she go after him?? Or, maybe Edwards pursued her. If that's the case, why did she go along with it?

Yes, I know. Stuff happens. I live in the real world. I was single for a long time and had plenty of chances to have affairs with married men. And there was even a time or two when, during a lonely or particularly difficult time, I considered it. I didn’t do it because it was wrong. Though it seems in our society as though we’ve gotten away from making judgments about what is right and what is wrong, that doesn’t change the facts.

In Hunter’s case, she’s brought a child into the world in scandal – married man, maybe more than one man could be the father. That sordid story will haunt that innocent baby throughout her whole life. Even after the tabloids die down, even fifty years from now, there will always be a rumor or a whisper about her mother’s disgraceful digression and her father’s true identity.

What’s the solution? There isn’t one.

So what's in all they hype for you? There is something you can learn from Hunter and Edwards.

YOU CAN CHOOSE a code of conduct that lifts you up instead of dragging you (and your loved ones) down. You can choose to put certain behaviors on the DO NOT list. It’s like people who quit smoking. They know they can't have a cigarette. I know. When I stopped, I decided that I would never pick up a cigarette and smoke it. I know, even now, if I pick up a cigarette today, I’d be back to a pack-a-day by tomorrow. So I just don’t do it.

Think of the people on a diet or who have a food allergy. They cut out a food, like peanuts or fried foods. Whether they want them or not, those items just can’t be on their menu. They can look at the peanuts or fries, and maybe yearn for them, but they just don’t have ‘em.

Here are my suggestions for a couple “off my list” dating decisions:
• You will make decisions that protect you now and in the future;
• you won’t have sex unless your man is using a condom – no exceptions;
• you won’t date men with bad tempers or possessive behaviors
• you will break up with a guy as soon as he demonstrates the bad behaviors on your “no” list;
• you won’t knowingly date a married man;
• and, if the guy lied and really is married, you will dump him, no matter how much you think you love him. You’ll do it because you deserve better!

In the end, whatever happens, you will experience the law of cause and effect. When you make the cause – that is, your behavior – strong with healthy decisions and actions, your effect is bound to be good. Yes, stuff happens, but even when it happens to you, you are always in control of how you respond.

Choose to be the BEST of who you are…and don’t let anyone or anything take you off your BEST LIFE course.

In victory,
Annmarie

NSA Week in New York City

2008-08-08T10:35:00.003-04:00

Whew! What a week!

I just returned from the annual convention of the National Speakers Association, of which I’m a proud member. This year, NSAers met in eclectic New York City at a hotel right smack in the heart of Times Square.

For those of you who have been, you know just being in NYC is an experience. There is so much to do in NYC, from the diverse lower Manhattan, busy midtown, uptown with its Lincoln Center, Central Park, St. Pat’s and tons more in each of the 5 boros...and fagettaboutit in Brooklyn.

Since I live only a couple hours from NYC, we visit fairly often. Unlike many of my colleagues, it was no surprise to me how, at 11pm, the streets were as crowded as they were at 2pm. It really is the city that never sleeps. Street performers were in abundance, a SWAT team made sure competing anti-war/support the troops rallies stayed civil and a taxi driver actually got out of his taxi (while he had a fare inside) and physically threatened a pedestrian who yelled at him for making a turn too close to the curb - and the pedestrian took him on. It was all typical, tough New York City.
For me, the outside stuff was same old same old. It's what happened inside the hotel each day that was magic. On the main stage, Marshall Goldsmith, Steve Forbes, Cathie Black and Bill Strickland presented their keynotes. So did attorney and news anchor Manny Mandrano and humorist Bill Stainton. I’ll talk more about them in my next few blogs.

Though many of the seminars didn't have as many tips and techniques as I would have liked, I got a few gems from speakers and tons from the other participants. You’ll be benefiting from some of those in upcoming months.

The grand finale was the awards banquet. This annual formal dinner had its usual Oscar-like aura. However, unlike Hollywood’s awards nights, NSA’s newly designated CPAE's (an honor bestowed on the best of the best), gave gracious acceptance speeches. But it was Cavatt award-winner Mike McKinley's acceptance speech that brought me – and most of the audience – to tears. Mike was widowed a few years ago. His spouse was also a speaker and beloved NSA member. He fought hard to stay engaged with life, and his profession. He spoke about his late spouse with love and affection. He also spoke about his new bride, and how she helped pull him out of the depths of sadness. He was warm, touching, and at the same time, had us laughing through our tears.

This year, the NSA foundation raised over $60,000 and the Cigar Peg, the sometimes raunchy stepchild of the NSA, also raised over $60,000 for the NSA charities.

I’ve returned home newly inspired to give YOU - MY READERS AND CLIENTS - the best of my best. More than ever I’m committed to providing inspiration and education that will help you BE MORE of the person you truly are, DO MORE of what satisfies your soul and HAVE MORE of the life you were put here to live so you can do your part to positively change the world.

Now my job is to take action. Stay tuned.

Woman Survives Panic Disorder

2008-08-08T10:22:00.005-04:00

Karen Muranko lived with panic disorder for over twenty years. Today, with the help of her support team, she’s a happy and healthy survivor of the disorder.

Her story placed 2nd in the 2008 Victorious Woman Essay Contest. She is this month’s Victorious Woman of the Month. You can read her winning essay at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm.

By the way, in case you missed reading about our 1st prize winner and how she helped her son cope with her divorce, click on http://www.victoriouswoman.com/Files/RosalindSedacca.pdf to read her 1st prize-winning essay.

In victory,
Annmarie

Torres’ Model: Dust Off Those Dreams!

2008-07-10T12:31:00.003-04:00

Last weekend, 41-year-old mother Dara Torres earned a spot in the upcoming Olympics. Torres is 26 years older than Elizabeth Beisel, the youngest Olympian on this year’s team. But Torres isn’t just looking for a middle-aged adventure. “I can't lie and say, ‘Oh, I'm just glad I'm going.’ I want a medal,” Torres said after her win.

Good for her! Her attitude is inspiring – especially to those of us who aren’t kids anymore. Too often – especially when we are past age thirty-five – we’re expected to be think of ourselves as not as good as when we were younger. We aren’t encouraged to toot our own horn, and are even expected take a back seat to our kids or someone else. When we don’t, we are often belittled. It usually doesn’t happen openly, but instead it’s usually in subtle but palpable ways. We saw many examples of it during the Democratic nominations.

But Torres isn’t letting her age or anything else get in her way. If you watch her carefully, you’ll notice that she is modeling the steps every woman can use to create their own victories. Here are three that she’s demonstrated:

1. Know What You Want
Dara Torres still had the passion to swim and compete. That’s how this current Olympic run started. It was the stuff of her dreams. Now it’s her reality.

Start with what you want and then make a plan to get it.

2. Work with Your Obstacles
Torres, acknowledged that her age could get in the way. Facing it made her understand that she knew she would have to work on speed and flexibility. It gave her an edge when competing against women considerably younger.

When you make a plan, ask yourself, “what will stand in my way.” Face the problems head on, early and quickly. Eliminate or minimize as many as you can. Challenges can be about money or time, and just as often, they are about believing in yourself.

3. Take action.
Do something every day to take you closer to your goal. Whether it’s making a phone call, or writing a paragraph for a business plan or a book, or doing something challenging to boost your confidence, DO IT. “If you just think about what you want to do and make a plan, but you don’t act on it, then you’re just wasting time and energy.”

Next month, while you watch Torres go for the gold, get inspired! Just because you aren't a kid anymore doesn’t mean you can’t have dreams and make your dreams come true. Torres is doing it. You can too. That’s the spirit of victory!

Who Says Women Are Too Catty to Work Together???

2008-06-06T15:22:00.004-04:00

I don’t usually blog about my clients, but I’m making an exception today. The client I'm commending is the Space Coast Chapter of FEW (Federally Employed Women). This group of NASA women usually host an annual one-day local conference for their membership. This year, at the same time, they also hosted the FEW Southeast Region’s conference as well. For both conferences, I presented my mentoring workshop, Somebody’s in My Corner: Mentoring Strategies for Women.

The women of the Space Coast Chapter of FEW demonstrated everything that is good about a high-functioning team. Because they did, I think they are wonderful role models for other groups of women. Here are the characteristics they - and every truly good team - demonstrates:

1 – Getting the Job Done
Hosting a conference is a major undertaking…a big deal. It requires a super amount of work. It’s everything from getting sponsors and organizing the venue (including rooms for both the event and the participants, choosing meals, etc.) to selecting speakers, marketing the event, filling the venue with participants, and making sure their participants and their speakers are taken care of and have a good experience. Each one of those tasks is major and has hundreds of smaller, associated tasks. Getting it all done as effectively and efficiently as the Space Coast FEW did was no easy job…but they did it exceptionally well!

2 – Doing the Job Right
There never seems to be enough time to do everything we want to do for ourselves, let alone for others. It seems that it’s easy to cut corners, especially when it gets down to the wire.

The women of the Space Coast Chapter of FEW unselfishly coordinated their time, effort, talent and energy to provide professional learning opportunities for hundreds of other women. They didn’t get to rest until after the conference was over and the last attendee went home – and even then, their job wasn’t over.

In the weeks that followed, they still had summaries, reports, etc. Not every team takes the time to make sure that, even in the post-event work, all the “i’s” are dotted and “t’s” crossed. They did.

Can you imagine my delight when, six weeks after the conference ended, I received a beautiful, personal letter from the Speaker Chair and the Conference Chair thanking me for the job I did and encouraging me to connect with other FEW chapters. They didn’t have to…but I really appreciated that they did.

3 – Keeping the Team Intact
By the end of the first day, I noticed something different about the “FEW ladies” compared to some conference groups with whom I’ve worked. I asked them how they maintained their camaraderie and good humor. They told me that when they had their first meeting, they acknowledged the effect stress could have on their chapter and talked about it. They all knew that conference planning can put so much pressure on the team that it could be destroyed in the process. In fact, they knew chapters that did break up as a result of conference-planning stress.

So, as a team, they made a decision. As one woman said, “We agreed that we were friends before this started and – no matter what happened in the planning - we’d be friends after it ended.” So, even though they admitted that there were tense times during the nine-month planning process, they were wrapping it up together – and were even stronger.

In addition to doing a big job well and growing through it in the process, the Space Coast chapter of FEW even managed to use their event to give back to their community via educational scholarship funds to the Brevard Community College WENDI program, which helps people prepare to reenter the work field after a significant change in their lives.

WELL DONE, Ladies!! You are a special team and great role models for others.

And, to my contact Jean Grenville: thanks so much for making my FEW experience so positive. I enjoyed our many conversations and look forward to seeing you and your colleagues again in the future.

In victory,
Annmarie

May Victorious Woman of the Month

2008-05-30T17:00:00.005-04:00

NAFE Director Honored

Robbie Motter, the Western & Mid Atlantic Regional Coordinator for the National Association of Executive Females (NAFE), is well known in NAFE Circles for her tireless networking and support of women around the country. It is with great pleasure that I’m announcing that Robbie Motter is named May 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month.

During May, International Victorious Woman Month, I had the pleasure of speaking to lots of women who were mentored and supported by Robbie. Not at all to my surprise, each one had such affection and respect for her!

Her story of lifelong victories is one not to be missed…so don’t. You can read it, along with Robbie’s tips for living victoriously, at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm. It’s also in printer-friendly format, so you can also print or download it to share with friends.

Congratulations, Robbie! You're a great role model for every woman who wants to be successful and happy. Thanks for teaching us to "ASK" and that "SHOWING UP" is the first step.

In victory,
Annmarie

Memorial Day 2008

2008-05-26T21:15:00.002-04:00

This morning I briefly listened to a radio talk show. Unlike many other shows, it was "live" not taped in advance. The host asked people to call in with the names of loved ones who died in the service of my country. He asked them to give their name, the war and say something about the deceased veteran. It was so touching, honorable and fit the meaning of this day perfectly.

As I listened, I thought of my father who was a disabled veteran. Though he was exempt from the draft, he enlisted anyway because he wanted to serve. Unfortunately, he was wounded in battle and lost his left hand and forearm. He received the Purple Heart, was honorably discharged and, since he could no longer do his pre-war work, attended college on the GI Bill. I could tell you many things about growing up with a disabled vet, but what I most want you to know is that my experience makes me ever-grateful to the men and women of the armed services who have served in the past and who are now serving my country. They protect me, my loved ones and my lifestyle.

In this war, women are serving unlike any other time. In previous generations, most women took on caregiving roles, even in the services. Today’s women fight side by side with their male counterparts. Like the men, they leave spouses, lovers and families and go to unsafe places like Iraq and Afghanistan. Also like the men, many have someone on the homefront, caring for houses and children and waiting anxiously for the return of their loved ones. In this war, for the first time, men as well as women are “keeping the home fires burning” and they jump every time the phone rings and live in fear of the dreaded knock on the door.

During this Memorial Day, let’s take some time to remember those who gave their life so that we can have the freedom to live as we want, pray as we desire, and applaud or criticize our government as we choose. And while we are remembering the dead, let’s say a prayer or send a good thought to those who are actively working for our freedom today – on or off the battlefield. They aren’t having a carefree barbeque, and knocking back a few beers or sipping glasses of wine. They are all hanging tough, trusting in our victory, and hoping they will see their loved ones again.

To all of you, I am grateful. THANK YOU!

Mother’s Day and Giftgiving

2008-05-10T09:03:00.004-04:00

What Do You Really Want?

If you didn’t get the Mother’s Day acknowledgements from your children, and their father, you’d be upset, right? Yet, if you are like so many other women, as nice as it is getting the flowers, gifts, brunch, etc., it leaves many of you feeling disappointed.

Does that make you sound ungrateful? NO! If, on Mother’s Day, everyone makes a fuss but the next day everyone goes back to taking you for granted, how can you not be disappointed?

Here are a couple suggestions for your kids of things you might really want and enjoy. And you can send them to this blog entry any time of the year: Mother’s Day, your birthday, Christmas, when you don’t feel well…and whenever the people you care for are forgetting how important you are in their lives!

Happy Mother’s Day. May this be the best Mother’s Day for the Mom in your life!

Kids…here are some things you can get your mom that she’ll really like:

Time. Most women fill their waking time with tasks for family, work, school events, etc. As a result, they leave no time for themselves. Pick one time-consuming job that Mom does regularly and take over that chore – permanently. It could be cleaning the bathroom each week, doing dishes or taking Mom’s aging mother shopping once a month. Whatever you pick, follow-through and really make it your job. Extra hint: make sure Mom agrees to use the hour or two that you are giving her each week for serious self-care.

Appreciative Attention. Instead of depending on the card and gift industry to tell you when to honor your mother, start a new ritual called Mom’s Personal Day. Pick one day a month – or even every other month. Mark it on your calendar and hers. Plan something special to let your mother know she is valuable a part of your life.

Need ideas for your Mom’s Personal Day? Based on her interests and age, your Mom might enjoy a mother-son brunch, afternoon at the beach or a museum, a mother-daughter shopping trip or simply a loving visit from you where she is the total focus of your attention. Find out what she would like best, and do it for her. Windfall moment: you’ll be making memories with Mom that will stay in your heart long after trinkets have lost their usefulness. Added benefit: you may discover a whole new appreciation for something you never thought you’d like.

Stress-relief. What’s the one thing you do that stresses Mom out? Is it being defensive or argumentative? Maybe she stresses because you don’t pick up after yourself, or don’t call. Whatever that one thing is, stop doing it. It won’t take away all Mom’s stress, but every little bit has an impact. Side bonus: the effort will build your character – and that will please Mom even more!

Mom will always love you, and these ideas will show her you love AND appreciate her too!!

Victorious Woman Month Starts Today!

2008-05-02T06:15:00.009-04:00

May is International Victorious Woman Month.

What will you do to celebrate and make this a victorious month? Here are three ways you can “get your victory on” and make this a spectacularly victorious month:

Focus on Victory
Give up those thoughts that you “can’t do it” or “are too young/old” or “don’t have the money.” Instead, think about end results. What do you want? How will it feel when you get it? How will your life be different?

Visualize Victory
Start making pictures of your victory in your mind. Research shows that your mind doesn’t know the difference between real and fake. It outpictures what you visualize. So, if you are picturing yourself failing or just getting by, that’s what you get. This month, pledge to focus only on positive pictures. See yourself overcoming obstacles and making the victory stretch that leads to success. You can even make a Victorious Visioning Book (for instructions: http://www.victoriouswoman.com/Files/Victorious_Visioning.pdf).

Act Victoriously
There is an old adage: “if you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you already got.” Do something different and better than you did yesterday. Make a phone call that you’ve been putting off. Take a risk. Find a mentor. Reach out and network with someone who is already at the personal or professional level you want to be.

For more Victorious Woman ideas, click on this blog's title for a free download of the Victorious Woman Calendar’08 with thirty-one daily tips for focusing your life on victory.

Wishing you an amazing Victorious Woman Month!
Annmarie

Those All-Powerful FLDS Men: In Today's News

2008-04-21T21:09:00.002-04:00

I always think it’s funny when a man thinks he’s a leader, but can only lead when he has physical, mental and/or financial control over others. I know from personal experience that a man like that is really a coward. I know it because, when challenged, he cowers and hides like the lowly animal he is.

That’s what I was thinking today as I watched an interview with three of them on the CBS Early Show. It was the first time any Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints sect (FLDS) man showed his face since the children were taken away from the secluded compound they call home, based on allegations of child abuse. Weeks have gone by while they let the women face the cameras while they hid in their compound.

Then, there they were this morning, acting like some aw-shucks hicks. And, gosh and dagnabbit...they said they just can't do nothing about them young girls who might be ahavin' a mind to marry some old geezer. They didn't even know they was adoin' anything illegal 'cause they are righteous men.

Give me a break!

Last week the FLDS women went to court to fight to get their children. Crowds of waif-like women were speaking to reporters, desperately begging to get their children back from the government. They say they aren’t abused and dodged every question about polygamy and the paternal identity of those children. They doggedly refused to answer any questions about their marriages or any questions about relationships between older men and underage girls. Why???

Also in the interviews, the women say their way of life is their choice and they can leave anytime. They choose to stay. Really?

Consider this as a reason: Did you know about the threat the FLDS men hold over women? In the words of their leader, Warren Jeffs, a woman are obliged to build up her husband by being totally subservient to him. If she doesn't, the control is so totally pervasive that an FLDS woman is told she can’t even get into heaven unless she is invited by her satisfied husband. So if she she displeases him - say, by refusing to let her prepubescent daughter to marry some mature (40+) man, she could spend eternity in hell. I wonder if those women also fear eternal damnation if they don’t get their children back from the government. That’s some abusive control!

The women say they'll do anything to get their children back. I wonder if that means they would be willing to expose their lifestyle...or is the fear of not being asked to join their man in heaven a greater threat?

And, here in the real world, it doesn't have to be an FDLS member who does the controlling. It can be the man who uses a bad temper to get what he wants, or threatens a woman with public embarrassment if she gets out of line - his line.

It just goes to show us all that a woman needs to maintain control of her SELF, and not allow anyone to take that away from her. A real man is comfortable in partnership and respects both the woman he's with and the relationship they have. That's not some Pollyanna idea, that's what happens between healthy partners.

This VICTORY is about YOU!

2008-04-08T12:45:00.008-04:00

Tell Your Story by May 10!

May is International Victorious Woman Month and I'm celebrating by honoring YOU.

Have you...
• Triumphed over a seemingly overwhelming obstacle in your life?
• Broken through a glass ceiling and won a coveted promotion?
• Beaten the odds and created a successful small or home-based business?
• Lost your job, marriage or partner and found new success and happiness?
• Experienced a life-changing event and successfully navigated through the difficult change and transition?

If you have, then you are a Victorious Woman and I want to hear your story. I also want to share it with other women. I think YOUR STORY OF VICTORY can encourage other women to believe in themselves and their ability to find their own victory through any difficulty. I believe YOUR STORY OF VICTORY will help others so much, I'm giving you kudos and prizes for sharing through the Victorious Woman Essay Contest.

Here’s the contest: In 250-750 words, tell us what challenged you, how it was a victory – especially how you stretched more into your victorious self because of it, and how your victory changed your life.

Email submissions to presentations@victoriouswoman.com NO LATER THAN May 10.

Prizes
1st Prize
• $100.00
• You will be honored as a 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month with an interview article featured on the Victorious Woman website (www.victoriouswoman.com) AND
• You'll receive a personally autographed copy of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories

2nd Prize:
• $50.00
• You will be honored as a 2008 Victorious Woman of the Month with an interview article featured on the Victorious Woman website (www.victoriouswoman.com) AND
• You'll receive a personally autographed copy of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories

3rd Prize:
• Your story will be featured at www.victoriouswoman.com AND
• You will receive a personally autographed copy of Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories

Hurry! Deadline is May 10

Tell your friends too!

For more information, you can read all the contest rules and eligibility at http://victoriouswoman.com/vwcontest.htm

Eliot Spitzer's Biggest Dishonor: In Today's News

2008-03-11T13:30:00.011-04:00

It’s happened again. Another political sex scandal. This time it’s Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York.

Here's My Issue: Spitzer did what he did – it was like a covert operation because it took lots of planning and premeditation for the governor to arrange his sexual trysts. During that time, he didn’t consult with or have the support of Mrs. Spitzer while he was doing it. Yet Sptizer’s press conference included Mrs. Spritzer, who stood next to her cheating spouse looking sick and devastated. If he didn't need her then, why NOW does he have to drag her into his disgrace?

We’ve seen so much of this: Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, Jim McGreevey, Larry Craig. The list is long. Their behaviors dissed their mates. Then they were sooooo sorry. But let's be honest. They were sorry because they got caught in the act. Worse yet, while they stood before the press feigning an apology to their families, the women they defiled made Tammy Wynette "stand by your man" appearances with them – as though their spouse also did something to deserve the embarrassment.

To Governor Spitzer and the others: Listen boys (you gave up your man card some time ago), when you are standing before those cameras, it isn't because you lost an election or missed achieving a goal that you and your spouse worked toward together. You got caught with your pants down with someone other than your spouse. When you did the deed, you made a decision to put your life and everything in it at risk. While none of us knows what goes on behind the closed doors of your marriage, chances are that your illegal and/or immoral actions were NOT sanctioned by your spouse. So when you have to face the music with the press, act like the all-powerful man you were pretending to be. This isn’t the time to lean on the one person who you dishonored and humiliated the most by your behaviors.

The Bottom line: You should have thought about your spouse when you were fooling around. If you didn’t need her by your side when you were making arrangements to cheat on her, you don’t need her by your side now. You’ve disgraced her enough by your actions. When you trot her out into the public eye, you are adding to her pain. Why?

To The Spouses: Let the dog clean up his own mess. Just because you love him, doesn’t mean you should forget that, all the while you were loving him and taking care of his home and family, he was getting his kicks with someone else.

My Advice: Here are three things you can do instead:

1 - Get angry! Dig down to your deepest places and let the emotion out. Scream it out, journal it out, break things, whatever you need to do to vent that emotion. Don’t be surprised if you need to do it over and over for days or weeks. Those feelings of ‘how dare he?” and “how could he do that to me?” are really strong, especially when you feel you’ve accommodated him in every way you could.

Repressed anger results in depression, which can result in self-destructive and even life-threatening reactions. Why should that happen to you for some behavior you didn’t initiate?

2 - Seek qualified help. Once you start letting go of some of your initial anger, you need to sort out your feelings. If you have children, they need to do the same. Find a qualified therapist and make weekly appointments – more often if they help. The sooner you start making some sense of your feelings, the sooner you will heal. There’s no reason to let this awful thing result in a health issue that destroys your life.

3 - Do it for yourself. Refuse to let yourself be used again by the cad who just took advantage of you. If he’s having issues and feeling alienated, too bad. He obviously needs therapy and he should get it - alone. You can work on your marriage later. You can agree that in three or six months, if you feel like it, you’ll get couples counseling. Right now, you need to work on you.

Final thoughts: It isn't likely that sex scandals are going to stop. However, in the future, my hope is to see fewer and fewer accomplished women like Dana Matos McGreevey and Silda Wall Spitzer standing by the arrogant, self-serving men who wronged them.

It's interesting for us to consider how, when the shoe is on the other foot, that is, when women are caught in sex scandals - for example, teachers Mary Kay Letourneau and Debra LaFave - you are more likely to see them facing the press or interviewing on the talk shows with their attorney, not their spouse. Interesting, eh? Maybe this is the kind of situation when we could learn a lesson or two from the men.

Valentines' Day: What Do You Really Want?

2008-02-14T16:22:00.002-05:00

Hallmark, Gibson and the other greeting card companies tells us to buy expensive cards. Godiva and FTD tell us that the way we need to be romanced is with candy and flowers. But is that what you think Valentine’s Day is about? I don't. I think that stuff is for newbies and amateurs.

It's not that I don't like all that stuff, but I don’t put all my expectations into one single day. This time last year, my sweetie and I were driving through a snowstorm to pick up his mother from a nursing home to take her back to her assisted living apartment. By the time we got home, we were physically and emotionally drained. We had a quick bite and watched a funny DVD, during which we both fell asleep. Happy Valentine’s Day…!

I think the truth is that what every woman really wants is the love that Valentine’s Day promises, as well as its implied intimacy. Merely buying a card, flowers, or lingerie can’t make that happen. It’s like foreplay…if your man doesn’t make enough time for it, the big event itself is falls flat…and nothing else really matters. Even diamonds can’t make up for the emptiness resulting from thoughtlessness or casual disregard.

I talk to a lot of women who agree. They’d rather get their “candy” in the form of a planned event – like a date night or a day trip just for the two of them…where he holds her hand and they laugh together. And they’d love “flowers” in the form of more shared responsibility for the house, shopping and kids.

Last week my guy filled the soap dispensers…just because they were empty, and without being asked. Yesterday he helped me get something ready for a training program I’m doing next week. I can count on him to show me that I’m important in his life, and that what’s important to him is important to me.

How about you? What non-store item says, “I love you” to you?

Black Women and the Election: In Today's News

2008-02-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

If I was an African-American woman, I'd be pretty steamed with the news media right now. In fact, I'm not one, but I'm fired up on their behalf!

If you've been following the very tight Democratic primary races, you know that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are in a dead heat for their party's nomination. As we approach the "super Tuesday" primaries, nearly every news outlet has made a point to highlight the black woman's quandry of whether to choose her race or her gender as she votes.

Are they kidding??

Don't they think there are any intelligent black women anywhere in this country...or at least in the super Tuesday states? Do they think that black women are that uninformed or ignorant that their only criteria is race or gender??

While it's true that we are likely to vote for those who are most aligned with us, it's also true that we usually like some ideas of one candidate and some of another, and we have to choose. But to denigrate every African-American woman by telling us that their thought process is reduce to whether they will choose the black candidate or the woman? That is just insulting...to every woman.

Readers, make a point this year to prove the media and the political pundits wrong. In this most historical election, get so well-versed in the positions of the candidates that you'll embarranss anyone who wants to dumb you down to the superficial. When you choose the candidate who most closely aligns with your values, speak out on their behalf and give bullet point reasons for why you want them to be your president. Show your smarts to the world...and make them eat their small-minded words!

In victory,
Annmarie

Benazir Bhutto: In Today's News

2007-12-28T11:05:00.000-05:00

This morning I talked with a woman who didn't know Benazir Bhutto was assassinated. In fact, didn't even know who Bhutto was. It surprised me because the stay-at-home mom is an intelligent woman. After we talked, I realized how many of you, my readers, are like her. You are busily going about your lives and not paying so much attention to politics. So, since I think it's important that you know something about Bhutto and why she is important to you, even in death, I'm telling you a little about her.

Benazir Bhutto grew up in a culture and a religion that doesn't honor women or democracy. When she was young, Bhutto's father told her to study the lives of strong women like Joan of Arc and Indira Gandhi. She did, and learned. She found victory in the way she broke through barriers and rose to prominence as a Muslim woman.

She lived in the United States during the hippy era of the early 1970's. She attended Harvard when she was just sixteen; her nickname was Pinky. She saw the freedom the American people had to protest their government and to voice dissenting opinions without being killed. She fell in love with democracy.

Later she lived in England and attended Oxford. She didn't plan to be in politics. However, her father was prime minister and was Pakistan's most democratized leader. He later founded the Pakistan People's Party (PPP). He was hanged in 1979 and, reportedly, Bhutto's life was never the same.

Over the years, Bhutto became known as a shrewed, flawed, and complicated woman - like many of us. She was a controversial politician, the first woman elected prime minister in the modern Muslim world. She was twice elected and twice driven from office, allegedly for corruption. Until last October, she lived in exile in England where she was raising her three children, products of a 1987 arranged marriage.

Earlier this year, Bhutto decided to return to Pakistan. She was on a mission to save her country. On the day Bhutto returned, she lived through her first assassination attempt. There were others. When the Today Show's Ann Curry interviewed her this past October, she asked Bhutto why she kept putting herself at risk. Bhutto explained that she and her supporters in Pakistan "believe in a cause. We want to save Pakistan and we think we can save it by saving democracy." She also believed, "Terrorists can dictate the agenda...by threatening violence, they can take over nations and destroy the quality of life...I have a choice to keep silent...and to allow the extremists to keep doing what they are doing, or I have a choice to stand up and say 'this is wrong.' I've taken the second choice." When Curry asked her if she regretted her decision, she said "everybody has to die sometime," but she hoped to live long enough to see her children marry and to enjoy her grandchildren. She didn't.

According to terrorism expert Eric Margolis, who was once Bhutto’s security adviser and later her friend said [in a Newsnet interview] that he will remember Bhutto as a woman of great inner strength, intelligence, self-reliance and “a remarkable woman” who “went through some hellish times." That could describe a lot of us, couldn't it?

You see, readers, Benazir Bhutto had her good and bad qualities. So do each of us. Yet, she wanted for herself many of the same mundane things that most of us want. At the same time, she held strong beliefs and did what many of us don't do, she spoke out against those things that she thought were wrong.

My "Bhutto Challenge" to you is to find something that you feel passionate about and speak up. Maybe you hate the way many ads treat women as though they are objects, or maybe you don't like how some friends/relatives/coworkers make you feel used and unappreciated. It can be something global or something personal, but choose to speak about it and change it in your world. When you do, your actions will have a ripple effect that will positively impact others in your life. Appreciate your courage and count your victory. Keep doing it and watch the victories add up.

In victory,
Annmarie

WAKE UP TO YOUR VICTORY!

2007-12-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

It happens to all of us: We act unconsciously and don’t pay serious attention to the stuff that’s going on around us. There are a few reasons, including these:

We’re really busy.
We focus on accommodating everyone else in our life, BUT we don’t expect to be accommodated in return…so we get overwhelmed
We get lulled into the security of what’s familiar (even when it’s not secure)
We’re afraid that if admit we aren’t happy or are dissatisfied with what’s happening, we would want to change it…and change usually neither easy nor comfortable

Sound familiar? Of course it does. We all choose unconscious living sometimes.

Yet when we aren’t paying attention, we could be sabotaging our efforts and, as a result, cheating ourselves out of personal victory. Sometimes we might even be putting ourselves in danger.

This isn’t something new. I hear lots of stories that prove it, including this one about a woman I’ll call Tori:

Tori was married for over twenty years. It hadn’t been happy, almost from the beginning. Yet Tori had two children, felt stuck and stayed. She had more support for staying than for leaving, including a strong religious upbringing that said you had to stay married no matter what and a family that supported that philosophy. Both created a lot of guilt whenever Tori thought about getting a divorce.

Tori struggled to control her emotions as she told me her story, leading me through the steps she took to leave. She said she didn’t want anything from the house that had been her mental and emotional prison for so many years. So when she moved into a tiny apartment, she took only a bed and a small television. She got a job. With the support of her friends, who gave her furniture, food and even some money, Tori slowly got on her feet.

When I asked her what finally gave her the courage and the “push” to finally leave, Tori gave me a steely stair and said, “I woke up.”

To Tori, “waking up” meant that she finally decided she deserved better than living an unhappy existence with an abusive man. It’s the exact same thing Lilly told me happened for her during our interview for her chapter in my book, Victorious Woman! Lilly admitted she danced around the truth for a long time, and made excuse after excuse for the abusive behavior she tolerated. However, once she “woke up,” there was no going back. She had to take action. Lilly’s story in Victorious Woman! touches many women who are in marriages that include physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

If you are one of those women, now is the best time to WAKE UP! You can make your life different. Lilly, Tori and hundreds of other women have woken up to the true feelings and are living better, happier and healthier lives.

If you are living with domestic abuse, here are three things you can do today:
1 – Get emotional support by calling a domestic abuse hotline. Talk to someone anonymously and tell them your story.
2 – Compile resources. There is an agency right in your neighborhood. Find them. Call and learn what resources are available to you. These can include help with logistics, safe houses, help in getting a job and more.
3 – Make a plan. The sooner you have a plan, the sooner you will develop the confidence to leave.

Maybe you aren’t living in an abusive marriage, but you are unhappy with the way your life is going. You want more and better. You believe you deserve it. WAKE UP!

Once you WAKE UP and decide what you want instead of what you have, the steps are pretty much the same: get emotional support, compile resources and make a plan.

By the way, Tori’s story has a happy ending. Actually, it’s more like a happy middle. Today, she is blissfully remarried and a doting grandmother. She still gets fluttery when she talks about her spouse of nearly ten years. Tori’s only regret is that she didn’t wake up sooner. She says her life is better now than she ever could have imagined during those years. Tori’s looking forward to retiring and enjoying good times with her sweetie, children, grandkids and friends.

Victory doesn’t just come at the end of a long road. For you and me, and just as it was for Tori and Lilly, it is in the moment when you WAKE UP and decide to make a change. The first step of any journey is the hardest, but without it, nothing else happens. You can do it. As this year is ending, WAKE UP and you’ll find something better in the New Year.

©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Annmarie Kelly is offering two great teleseminars starting in January. Read more about them at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/tseminars.htm. Also, if you are in the greater Philadelphia area, you can join one of Annmarie Kelly’s Victory Teams that are now forming. There’s more information at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vteams.htm

Freakonomics of Domestic Violence

2007-12-04T17:54:00.001-05:00

Economics is about incentives, according to the authors of Freakonomics. I think about that whenever something happens in my life or in the news. Incentives were what Rafael Robb, a professor of economics at the University of Pennsylvania, must have been waiting for all year. ‘Tis the season.

Last December, Ellen Robb was viciously beaten to death. The damage was so devastating that, initially, police thought she had been shot in the face. All year Robb denied any involvement with the murder. He claimed the murder was the result of a home invasion and he was innocent. However, he was the primary suspect and was arrested.

This month, District Attorney Bruce Castor gave Rafael Robb an early Christmas present. Castor allowed Robb to plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter instead of first degree murder. Robb finally confessed. Earlier this week, Robb told a judge that he “just lost it” when the couple – who were separated but still living together – got into an argument over their daughter. He bashed Ellen Robb’s head and face repeatedly with an exercise bar.

As a result of the deal, Robb is likely to get away with as little as 4-6 years in prison versus life. I’m sure the economics expert understood the incentive. The fifty-seven year old man will be out of jail just around the time he can retire and collect social security.

There are a lot of women on Philadelphia’s Main Line who are not only angry, but frightened. Bruce Castor has sent a frightening message to men: if you lose your temper, commit intimate homicide and are willing to confess, you can avoid a long and revealing trial, get a deal and serve less jail time than some crooks.

Domestic violence isn’t just for the poor or the uneducated. Behind the doors of many upscale suburban homes, there are countless incidents of domestic abuse. Money and power buy pretty things, but they also often support controlling behaviors. The greatest fear of people with controlling behaviors is not having control. When they feel someone else is ignoring them or getting control, they are easily incensed and their anger escalates easily and quickly. Shortly before her murder, Ellen Robb had supposedly just gotten an apartment, was moving out and beginning divorce proceedings.

Ironically, just a few weeks ago, DA Bruce Castor received an award from Laurel House, an emergency domestic violence shelter in the Philadelphia suburbs. It wasn’t the first such award for Castor. I was there and I was impressed by Castor. Now I’m confused…and asking what happened to Castor’s supposedly strong position against domestic violence.

There is no justification for domestic abuse. A fit of rage is a demonstration of terrible behavior and is often a sample of what a controlling person uses to gain and keep control over someone else. Murder is taking a life. It shouldn’t be bargained away. Makes me wonder about the Freakonomics of it.

Hillary Clinton - AGAIN! In Today's News

2007-11-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

It happened again. This time it was John McCain who took heat for NOT chastising a woman who referred to Hillary Clinton as a bitch. Why?? Would they have expected him to chastise his questioner if she called one of McCain’s other competitors a bastard?

As women, we should be demanding that all this double standard and a notion of “kid glove” treatment for a woman in presidential politics stop now. It is the surest way to keep them male-dominated.

Mrs. Clinton herself said she gets why the men are going after her. It isn’t because she is a woman, but be cause she is in the lead in her party. She said that she isn’t going to play the gender card, but “the winning card.” Good for her!

That’s what victory is about for you and me…stretching ourselves past our current limits to be all that we want to and dream about being…whether winning means feeling respected in our marriage, getting that promotion…or running for president.

Victory is what we all need to focus on in our lives – and not allow anyone to demean or belittle our efforts.

NOTE: Before blogging was popular, I also had an opinion of Hillary Clinton. I was scathing in my criticism of her for getting sucked into the web of betrayal that her spouse, then President Clinton, wove for her. Though during his campaign she has insisted that she wasn’t “some Tammy Wynette Stand by Your Man” kind of woman, her behavior showed otherwise.

As much as I think her current step up into presidential politics is good for women, I think she hurt women badly by choosing to deny that she was married to a philandering spouse and choosing instead to blame the “vast right-wing conspiracy” for [what his spouse told her was] a fabrication. When Bill Clinton embarrassed her in pubic, she stood by him…and there are a lot of abused women who are doing the same and using Hillary Clinton as their model.

Hillary Clinton a Victim?? In Today's News

2007-11-06T16:04:00.000-05:00

Last week’s Democratic debate was typical: the closer to primaries, the harder the candidates go after each other. Yet I keep hearing people, in the media and in person, say it wasn’t fair how all those mean guys ganged up on the solitary woman.

Here’s why every woman – including you – should be concerned with that attitude: this is an old, old message that’s designed to distort, distract and debilitate a woman’s worth and ability.

When you hear the “poor Hillary” message, listen carefully at what’s really being said. Consider the underlying message to Hillary and any other woman with enough guts to run for president: you just can’t compete with men.

For just a moment, close your eyes and picture John Wayne in one of his old movies. If you do, you might be able to hear some chauvinist voice saying, “sure, little woman, if you want to mess around with little bits of power or authority like in business or low level politics, then go ahead. But just be careful. Running for a big job like president will get rough and you’re gonna break a nail or somethin’. C’mon, you saw what happened when you tried to compete with the big boys in their game…they just chewed you up and spit you out, poor thing. You can’t win.”

It’s HOGWASH. Whether you like Hillary Clinton and her politics or not, refuse to let anyone let you think of any debate as though big, bad guys are ganging up on the little woman. Stop that kind of talk as soon as it gets started.

Here are two things you can tell anyone – man or woman – if they start making “poor Hillary” comments:

1 - Hillary Clinton is no victim. Like any woman with as much experience in her field as Hillary Clinton has, she knew what she was getting into when she got into the presidential race. As the first serious female presidential hopeful, she knows it is going to be tough. As former first lady, she knows it’s going to be rough. She was ready.

Granted, the debate may not have gone well for her, but it doesn’t always go well for every candidate every time. It won’t always go well for our new president either – especially when s/he is in the global wrestling ring with world leaders who disagree.

2 - Obama and Edwards went after Clinton. “The gloves were off,” nearly every news station announced. So what? The job of every one of those candidates was to showcase themselves and prove that they are better than any other candidate. There was no surprise that they went after the apparent frontrunner.

If a woman becomes president – at any future time - do you think an Ahmadinejad would go easier on her? Of course not. Every president needs to be tough…and standing up to the political rivals is just a first stage of being tough.

Whether she wins or loses, Hillary Clinton broke through a glass ceiling for every prospective female candidate. That alone is a victory for her…and for you and me. Don’t let anyone, including you, minimize that victory. If you let her become a “poor thing” you will be doing her – and yourself – a great disservice.

Brooklyn Bridge

2007-10-16T09:29:00.000-04:00

Victory is SWEET!

Whenever I have a victory, I make some time to celebrate it. Recently, I completed a very difficult, often overwhelming project that took two years to finish. Achieving my goal required a focus, faith, patience, and stamina that was way out of my comfort zone. It's that internal stretch that's my victory. That's what I celebrate: moving the boundaries of my comfort zone. That movement increases my confidence so that when doors to new opportunities open, I have the guts to walk through them.

My "victory dance" usually includes some fun stuff with those who helped me along. We get together for some good cheer, I usually make a toast with my favorite spirit and we enjoy high fives all around. I finish my celebration with a walk across a bridge. Yes, that's right, a bridge. And, the bigger the victory, the bigger the bridge.

My victory walk across a bridge does two things for me. First, it symbolizes leaving the old, crossing over something big, and going to a new place. Secondly, since heights are a bit of challenge for me, it anchors my belief that I am stronger than any fear or challenge.

So, to celebrate this latest victory, I chose the Brooklyn Bridge in New York. In early October, on a warm and sunny, perfect-weather-for-bridge-walking Saturday, I made the two-hour drive to Manhattan so I could anchor in my latest victory.

If you’ve ever been there or seen photos, you know how amazing it is! It’s one of the oldest suspension bridges in the United States, a National Historic Landmark that rises 135 feet above the water. Three towering stone arches connect the swag cables that support the mile-plus span that connects Manhattan and Brooklyn. Against the backdrop of skyscrapers, the bridge is a dramatic part of the New York skyline.

That day, when I got to the foot of the bridge on the Manhattan side, there it was, looming before me. For a moment, I watched the late morning crowd travel the boardwalk that's suspended high above and between the ease and west auto lanes. A little nervous but in true Victorious Woman style, I practically marched from Manhattan to Brooklyn. As I did, I felt confident and strong.

About two-thirds along, for some strange reason, I made the mistake of looking down. There, between the wooden planks of the walkway, I saw nothing but water beneath me…and it’s a long, long way down. I stopped in a panic and, at first, I got a little dizzy. Then I got control of my mind…of my SELF. Determined, I put one foot in front of the other, looked up and forward, and I finished my walk to Brooklyn…and then crossed it back to return to Manhattan.

When I thought about it later, I realized that’s how life is too. Sometimes we make an attempt at victory, but might get a little scared or maybe a bit overwhelmed or dizzy. While a task surely can be daunting, I’ve learned (and maybe you have too) that when we get really focused on the goal and the good that’s ahead, something inside us rallies and helps us do that one thing we really didn’t think was possible. And that's what makes a victory so sweet!

What you do when you’ve overcome challenges and pushed past your fears so you can become an expanded version of your already wonderful SELF? I’d love to hear how you celebrate victory! Send your idea to info@victoriouswoman.com and I’ll enter your name in a drawing for a copy of my book, Victorious Woman, Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Victoriously,
Annmarie

Women, Religion and Victory

2007-08-23T01:52:00.000-04:00

I’ve had some interesting emails lately. One in particular aggitated me. It was from a woman who left a verbally abusive marriage after thirty-one years. When she left, her church pastor – you know, the person who is supposed to provide spiritual guidance - put her picture on the large screen of the church floor with the caption: "Conduct Unbecoming A Child of God." You might question whether this “holy man” was living in the Dark Ages or presume it’s an isolated case of a clergyman gone goofy-fanatical.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this kind of story. I’ve talked to many women who sought help through their church, only to be told they had an obligation to stay with the man who was hurting them. In one case, the man tried everything to get the woman back. When nothing worked, he asked a priest to visit her. The priest told the woman she was committing a sin against God. He told her to go back to her abusive husband and offer her suffering up to Christ. She did, and lived in fear and disrespect with him for over thirty years.

So, good readers, I’m sharing my view on love, abuse and God. First of all, love doesn’t harm. It isn’t always pretty and romantic, but it doesn’t damage your self-esteem, your self-worth or put you in physical danger. If you are in a relationship that does – whether through verbal, mental or emotional abuse – get out…NOW! Or, at least make a plan to get out.

Secondly, if you believe in God and that you have a soul, then you can be sure of this: your soul is the spark of God in you. You are obliged to honor and nurture that spark. Allowing anyone – you included – to desecrate that spark is wrong. So, if someone is bullying you, or disrespecting you in some way, they are doing it to the God-in-you. If you staying in a relationship with a spouse, child, sibling, coworker or anyone who tries to extinguish that spark, then you aren’t caring or nurturing the spark that is God-in-you.

Finally, any religious who tells you to tolerate abuse isn’t just wrong…they are a disgrace to the religion and the God they profess to honor.

Lessons Learned: When I was educated to the fact that I’m supposed to protect the God-in-me, it made a huge difference in my development. I grew up with one physically abusive brother. In addition, it was a competition between me and my siblings to see who could “zing” someone the best. The more verbally or emotionally abusive you comments were, the better...you won.

When I went out on my own, and had better inforation about life and love, I felt obligated to stand up and speak up. I came to believe that it wasn’t just about me alone, but also about honoring the God-in-me. I chose to change myself first, then find people who were better matches for how I wanted to live. As is always the process…and the journey…I changed my thinking, then I changed my behavior. It was one of the stepping stones that helped me to get to victory.

I hope it will be one of yours.

©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

How Scary is Change?

2007-08-21T10:43:00.000-04:00

If you ever think that you have no other choice but to just survive your life…that change is too hard or costs too much…here’s a story for you.

Jordan always wanted the most she could get from life. She lived on the cutting edge. When the feminist movement started, she took her two small children, left an unhappy marriage and went back to school. Eventually she earned her doctorate, became an advocate of the self-improvement, a local leader in the human potential movement. She started her own business, married again and had another child.

As a working mother, Jordan did her best to raise her children in a most loving way and with good self-esttem. As an executive, she developed her firm into one of the most well-known, respected and successful companies of its kind in the country. She was a powerful woman who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and get what she wanted. That is, except for one thing….her prefect life was a façade.

You see, readers, she did what so many of women do: She carefully organized her life around some fantasy ideal that didn’t really satisfy her true self. I don’t know exactly how that happens, but it does. I don’t know if the culprits are cultural, religious, from the family, subtle messages in advertising or other media, or from inside of us. Probably, it’s a combination of all of them.

Façade lifestyles aren't only for the rich or poor or delusional. They are found in every walk of life from the consummate corporate executive to the earth mother stay-at-home moms to sex and the city single women and even with sorority and anti-sorority college students. In fact, the characteristics of facade lifestyles are at the foundation of the “Surviving Woman” Stepping Stone, as detailed in my book.

In Jordan's case, she crafted a façade of power and prestige (P&P). She only added people to her life that enhanced her P&P quotient. Through the years, she met some incredibly powerful people and could tell great stories about a myriad of international P&P colleagues and acquaintances. Though she was a kind and giving person, her second marriage to a demanding and arrogant, but P&P-qualified man, ended when his behaviors, and his alcoholism, became overwhelming.

Around the same time, Jordan was diagnosed with breast cancer. Only then did she begin to drop her mask. Only then did she fully release the warm, fun-loving but love-starved woman inside. She let go of some of her perfectionist tendencies and opened herself up to the broadest range of possibilities. Instead of surrounding herself with, and seeking kudos from, the influential, she relaxed into the comfort of those who accepted her as she was.

Over the next months and years, her children came to see her vulnerabilities. She found out it didn’t matter. She fell in love with a burly fireman (with virtually no P&P) who thought she was the best thing ever (and she was!). As she became more of her real self, she included only those people and things she really wanted. Those were the happiest days of her life.

For eight years, Jordan fought breast and then brain cancer courageously. Towards the end, though she knew her time was limited, she forged ahead and made the most of it. She died only days after returning from a European vacation that included family and friends…and lots of love. She was buried in a funky skirt, jacket and necklace – none of which had a designer label, but were so totally fun that most mourners laughed in approval…or at least smiled. I surely did. And I could almost swear to you that I saw her breathing. Of course, I didn't, but that's how strong her presence was, even in death.

What’s the lesson of Jordan? Don't wait until you are dying to live your REAL life instead of some storyboarded version of what you think a woman’s life should be. Go after what you truly want…and don’t forget to love yourself in the process.

Each of us has a different path and the most important thing we have to do is find the path and follow it. It’s what we have to do for ourselves, and what we have to teach our children.

I’m telling Jordan’s story today because her spirit is still so strong that she keeps coming to me and pushing me to write this to you. I hope her indomitable spirit reaches you and encourages you to give up just surviving your life, and get on your path to finding your most satisfying, happiest life…and not wait until you are dying to do it.

Victoriously speaking,
Annmarie
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Power for Victory

2007-07-05T14:02:00.000-04:00

Along with feedback for an article I wrote about dealing with public embarrassment, I received this email from a reader:

Two years ago I was dating a guy and he asked me for pictures of myself because we hardly saw each other. I took pictures in a lingerie and sent them to him, yesterday my friend calls me up to say she saw these pictures in a fwd email... am not vexed, am totally ashamed and humiliated. Please help me. Ashamed

Ouch! Don’t you wonder what you could have seen in such a sorry sot? Unfortunately, I don't even have to ask. I’ve been “madly in love” more times than I can count. I even got engaged to one of those enticing crushes. There’s an old cliché that says, “Love is blind, marriage opens the eyes.” Fortunately, my eyes got opened before the wedding. Though I was devastated for a while, the end of that relationship saved me the heartache of being disrespected, ignored and cheated on (which is what happened to the woman he finally did marry). Breaking up was hard for me to do, but when it was over…it was over.

That’s what I find different with dating now. The end of a relationship might be the beginning of a YouTube video or, as it is for you, some embarrassing email attachment that circulates around the world - with your pictures being downloaded and ogled by who knows who. While you took the pictures and voluntarily sent them, that isn’t always the case for everyone. With technology so affordable and easy-to-use, everything you say and do with a lover can become part of your permanent history – and all with just a simple click. It’s something every woman has to consider – especially when it comes to intimate relationships.

So, where do you go from here?

Well, what’s done is done. Maybe you have some legal recourse (you can try your local small claims court) but probably not. You have to face it. You made a mistake. Here are three things you - and other readers who experience something this distressing - can do now:

1 – Admit you made a mistake, tell others it was wrong and that you regret it.
When Paris Hilton made a big drinking and driving mistake, she paid a substantial price, both publicly and emotionally. Her experience prompted her to post a warning to her fans not to drink and drive. That’s kind of where you are. You took sexy pictures and sent them away. You’ll have to take your lumps, hopefully only in the form of teasing. If you focus on the future, you can and will move on. At the same time, you can use your experience to caution others not to take the same path.

2 - Vow never to make a similar mistake in the future.
When your boyfriend asked for pictures and you sent boudoir photos, you presumed they would always be for his eyes only. You were wrong. Sure, you won’t send photos again but that’s not the only decision you make that can come back to haunt you. What if he wanted a threesome, or didn’t want to wear a condom?

Every action has a consequence and it could be positive or negative. Whatever you do is going to have some result, and you have to live with whatever that is. It’s called The Law of Cause and Effect.

Your mistake was that you only considered that one possible outcome. Recently, you discovered that there were also other results. That simple gift of you gave a boyfriend came with a big price tag – your self-respect and public humiliation. It was fun then…not so much fun now.

So in the future, think things out, consider the possibilities before you make any kind of decision. Vow to think through at least two positive and two negative possible outcomes. Know your values and stick by them in your decision-making. Take risks, but make sure they make sense – that’s the head in the clouds, feet on the ground approach. It works, and will keep you out of trouble.

3 – Forgive yourself. Your embarrassment will die down in time and you’ll live to redeem your dignity. Give yourself the courtesy of letting this go, with the promise that you’ll be smarter next time.

If you don’t forgive yourself and forge ahead, you might ignore opportunities for future victories. Rather than wallow in shame, refuse to let one dopey guy and one bad decision take away your power or your future good.

If you follow these suggestions, and stick to your values, you are likely to get on the path of personal victory. As you do, I’m positive wonderful things can open up to you and your life will become better and better. It happened to me, so I’m sure it can happen to you.

Remember: Victory is contagious. I found victory the hard way…most of us do…and now I’m passing it along to you. Catch the spirit…and then you can pass it along too. ©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

If you want to take a next step, you have to get my free ecourse and follow the 7 steps for next month. Request it at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com

Are You Making Yourself a Victim?

2007-07-02T14:40:00.000-04:00

I had the best email this morning from a young woman who is working abroad. She told me she's been thinking about her values, which is one of the topics in my ecourse. She's chosen three values that have the highest importance to her: family, travel, diversity. She plans to create her future around those values. I'm so excited for her!!

Why? Because her values will determine what really matters in her life. Behaviors follow values. When she knows what's most important, she'll know who and what to say 'yes' to and when to walk away.

Somebody smart (cannot recall who) once said, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Your values are what you stand for. Think about it. If you value being authentic, you'll look for friends who like you just as you are. However, if you value acceptance at all costs, you'll do anything just so people will like you. In my coaching and workshops, I often see women with such a need to be accepted that they settle for whatever they can get in relationships, jobs, behaviors. Being authentic positions them for victory, while people-pleasing most often makes them victims.

What about you? Are you one of the many women and men who don't know what values are most important to them?

If you are, here's a starter question: Which do you value more, the latest fashion (or gadget) or financial peace? If you value the "stuff" then you are likely to spend your money and, unless you're Paris Hilton, you'll live with debt. I know a man who has to have the latest everything and brags about what he has to everyone he sees. He has taken from and hurt everyone who's ever cared about, loved or trusted him. He's a broken-down man with few friends and no substance...but he has storage bins full of stuff collecting dust (and costing money).

If that doesn't sound appealing, maybe you value financial peace. If you do, you are likely to pass on the instant gratification of new-new-new and instead live on what you earn and even put some money aside for future needs. One couple I know lives on a cash-only basis. Their house and cars are paid for, they put two children through college without debt, they travel occasionally and are still happy being together.

Which one sounds more like you...or are you someplace in between? If you think you're on the road to becoming like that guy instead of the couple, and want to make a change, here's the good stuff: if you don't like how your life is now, you can change it by simply starting with a change of your values. If you aren't sure what your values are, here are some you can consider: freedom, independence, self-esteem, love, joy, fun, balance, security, money, financial independence.
©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Spend some time this month thinking about and choosing the five values you are willing to organize your life around. If you want my ecourse, it's available free. Just send me an email at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com).

Why Victorious???

2007-06-26T20:26:00.000-04:00

I'm often asked two questions that annoy me, almost for the same reason: (1) why do I think it's so important for a woman to be victorious and (2) is Victorious Woman a religious thing.

I'll rant first about the latter, the Victorious Woman being religious. It seems that many people think that the only woman who would want to be called victorious is the one who is fighting the devil...or Satan...or some other evil force. It's as though a woman can only have a fiery passion - or maybe it's the right - to act victoriously when it's about religion. I think, at best, that's small-minded thinking. It's wrong on so many levels that I can't even start to address them, except to say that it's one those subtle biases that, on the surface, seems benign but packs a punch...against women.

Which leads me to the first question about the importance of being a Victorious Woman and the phone call that got me fired up today. The woman who called me was married for thirty-two years. When she first got pregnant, she gave up her career to be a stay-at-home mom. She raised three children, did all the household, school and chauffeur stuff, and was soon to be an empty nester. Then one day, she got the "I want a divorce/I found someone else" speech. She was suddenly single, devastated, and petrified to go back into the workplace...or date...or be alone. After years of being a "good girl" and playing it safe, she felt as though she was thrown to the wolves.

Now she has the opportunity to stretch into her victorious self. Of course, she doesn't see it that way at the moment...and might still not see it that way for a while. What makes it hard for her is that, year after year, she gave away little pieces of herself. She bent this way and that to accommodate her spouse, children, parents, friends...and after a while, she became someone else. Now she has to find her way back to herself. Her SELF is covered over with years of everyone else's gunk and she has to peel back the layers that numbed her passions. She has to search for the spark that is her excitement. She can do it...but it'll take time.

That's why keeping the Victorious Woman in you alive and vibrant is so important. Like all of us, you don't know what the future holds. You have to be ready for the events that challenge your comfortable status quo. For my caller, it was a sudden divorce. For you it could be something else. If you aren't consistently building your victory-making muscles, you make your life - and the challenges that come with it - more difficult.

Dear Victorious Woman, make a promise to yourself right now to do something everyday that makes you use your victory muscle. Challenge yourself into doing something that you don't feel confident enough to do. If you make a mistake, good. It'll show you what doesn't work, so you can try something else the next time. With each victory exercise, you'll grow stronger and, at some point, you'll be counting on the Victorious Woman in you to get you through. And you'll be really glad you know her!

Victory is Contagious. Catch the Power and Spread it Around!

Jessie Davis: Isn't it a Shame?

2007-06-25T09:34:00.000-04:00

The news today reported the body of Jessie Davis was found in a shallow grave in a park. Her boyfriend, the married police officer who fathered her illegitimate son and the little girl she was carrying, was charged with her murder. A women, who allegedly helped cover up the murder, was also charged.

There is no excuse for Jessie Davis' murder. None. In her pictures, Ms. Davis looks like she was a beautiful young woman, full of life and love. Her death for any reason would be a tragedy. But, for someone to make a choice to snuff her life out? Inexcusable.

My question is this: Ms. Davis' death should never have happened, but why did she set herself up? Why did she not only have an affair with a married man, but also have a son with him...and continue the affair and get pregnant again?? How did she justify a lifestyle that made her a victim from its very beginning?

Some pictures of Ms. Davis show her proudly and happily displaying her pregnant belly. What was she so proud about? Where was the shame for being a mistress with a child and another on the way?

Do I sound harsh? Sure, but that's because our society has made the degradation of women so acceptable that we actually support women as they slide down the moral scale. We don't condemn them, or the men they're mixed up with and, instead, pretend we're socially evolved enough to accept it.

We're wrong. When homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women and when something like this happens, I believe we all can accept some accountability. How? We cannot continue to turn our heads and pretend wrong is normal...or at least OK. It isn't.

Some cultures do it differently, I live near Amish country and, in their society, they have a punishment called shunning. When a person is shunned, s/he is ignored by the community. The purpose of shunning is to (1) bring the wrong-doer into a state of awareness and repentance for doing something against someone else or the community and (2) keep the wrongdoer away from everyone else. When I first learned about shunning, I thought it was a terrible thing. I used to think that, just because someone made a mistake, they shouldn't be "put out" of the community. Now, though I still feel that being shunned isn't good, I no longer think it's bad. In fact, I believe we could learn a little something from the Amish tradition. For example, if men were shunned for disrespectful mistreatment of women, wouldn't they stop it...or at least tone it down? If judges were shunned for being soft on abusers and deadbeat dads, wouldn't it change? If advertisers were shunned for sexist and women-debasing ads, don't you think they'd change their strategy? If society didn't make it OK for women to get knocked up, do you think there'd be as many unwed mothers?

I know my thoughts aren't very popular in a liberal society. But think about it...and Jessie Davis, her grieving mother and parentless child. Isn't our vacillating attitude toward wrong-doers and over-acceptance of moral depreciation contributing to disrespect toward women, domestic violence, and even murder?

Also, consider this: while we defend a woman's right to be the least of her good nature, aren't we automatically failing to support her in being her best.

Let me know what you think.

Why Do We Think Settling is OK?

2007-06-19T00:26:00.000-04:00

I watched a news show this morning and sadly, once again, a pregnant woman is missing. During an interview, desperate mother Patty Porter explained that she got concerned when her daughter, Jessie Davis, hadn’t called her. Jessie was mere days away from delivery, and mother and daughter talked daily, so it was odd. When she went to her daughter’s home, Porter discovered Davis was missing and her toddler grandson was alone, crying for his mother.

As her story unfolded, I learned that Ms. Davis is unmarried and expecting her second child by her married lover, a policeman who was about to divorce his spouse. “Everyone is cooperating,” said the officer with the heartbroken mom. Big deal. The girl is missing and the circumstances are suspicious.

Did you know that the statistics show that homicide by an intimate partner is a leading cause of death among pregnant women? How do we change those statistics?

Unfortunately, if the man is some psycho like a Scott Peterson or a Mark Hacking, the answer is a mystery. Some awful events are surprises, but others aren’t and are more predictable. That’s where you DO have control. You CAN refuse to knowingly putting yourself at risk.

How are you at risk? When you get involved with a man who you know is a deadbeat, you increase your odds of becoming a statistic. How do know he’s worthless? He’s cheating on somebody else to be with you. If he’s a cheater, he’s poison. You wouldn’t knowingly drink poison, so don’t date it. Get rid of him immediately.

Do you think it’s too late because you didn’t learn he was attached until after you’d “fallen in love” with him? No. In that case, kicking him to the curb immediately isn’t soon enough. There’s NO second choice.

Face it. The man (or woman) who cheats is a two-faced liar. He is already telling lots of lies – that’s part of the nature of cheating. Since he’s a liar, you already know he is morally on the skids. That slippery slope into moral bankruptcy results in uncaring, non-supportive and abusive behaviors. The further a person slides, the more easily even murder can be justified.

Why do cheaters cheat? Because they can. One of my guy friends told me that a long time ago, and he was right. Cheaters know how to find a woman who is needy enough to buy his smooth talk. The woman can be anyone - a professional, non-professional, stay-at-home mom, corporate executive or anything else. It makes no difference at all.

There is only one thing that should surprise you about a cheating man. That is how he can look you right in the eyes and lie to you. He delivers his lines with perfect panache as he tells you any of the following:
he loves you (he doesn’t); or
he needs you (sure, because you’re willing to lower yourself and give him what he wants so he doesn’t have to find someone else); and
he can’t live without you (trust me, when you leave he’ll be looking for someone else within 24 hours); or even
he isn’t being treated right by his spouse or current girlfriend (who, most often, is doing everything for him including raising his kids)
His list of nonsense lies goes on and on.

Over time I’ve know many women who bought some dopey line a guy gave them…myself included. Getting dumped is tough. So is dumping someone you have feelings for but who is clearly a bad match. However, the women who suffer the most are the ones who are duped into thinking they had something with a man who can’t even make himself happy (which is usually the reason he cheats) and is always looking for that next thing that will satisfy his big ego. When you come across a man like that, you have to realize that his heart is only big enough for one person…him.

Here’s what I want you to know: you deserve better. You deserve a relationship that is a two-way street of give and take, where the person you love is the one who loves you back. Sure, like all of us, you might meet some creep when you feel emotionally needy and are most vulnerable to the slick willies. But that doesn’t mean you have to lose your personal power and fall victim to them.

Just remember this: you aren’t going to feel better when he dumps you for someone else…and he will. As a woman, know you are stronger than your vulnerabilities. Choose to act on your strengths, not give into your weaknesses. That’s what Victorious Woman Nancy Hill learned. In her Victorious Woman! chapter, “A House is Not a Home”, Nancy advises women, “Do not compromise yourself for nothing and nobody just to have a few quick things…if distractions come along, tell yourself, ‘That’s not what I want to do,’ and then get busy with some worthwhile endeavor or goal-focused activity.”

Nancy found out what many women, including me, learned: there is someone out there who will love you for the wonderful woman you are and who will make you as happy as you make him. The price of that relationship is both patience and refusing to settle for what you can get and, instead, waiting for what you want. However, in the meantime, you can use your time to become the strongest, smartest, and best woman you can be.

In the end, by refusing to settle for your most readily available but least desirable match, you’ll be a happier woman. Your satisfaction with yourself and your life will last and expand. More importantly, you’ll have a confidence and self-respect that will stay with you for a lifetime. That’s definitely more than what you’ll get from those few torrid dates and that cheater who is here today and gone tomorrow…and is certainly better than being national news for being missing.

Women Helping Women

2007-06-15T08:03:00.001-04:00

Last weekend I accompanied my spouse to the all-school reunion at the boarding school he attended in Scotland PA. This was his (and our) third time back. I'm pretty much along for the ride at this event but I always enjoy the people from his class as well as the surrounding classes.

This time, however, was special for me. One of the women bought my book, Victorious Woman! She made a point to tell me how much she enjoyed the writing, but more importantly, she said it helped to give her more confidence in her life. Because she got so much help from Victoirus Woman!, she started passing it around and recommending it to other women.

Naturally, I felt good about her compliments. However, as I told her last weekend, I wrote Victorious Woman! so that women everywhere would have more confidence to move off the "victim" or "surviving" stepping stones and onto "advancing" and "victorious" (I explain these in an earlier blog). By reading the stories of each Victorious Woman, ones who courageously shared the ups and downs they experienced on their way to out of challenges on onto success and victory, I wanted women like you to feel inspired and encouraged to get on your own victory path.

If you haven't read Victorious Woman! yet, go to your local library and rent it, or buy it online at my website (http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm) or amazon or at your local bookseller. Though this seems like a shameless plug, it isn't. I really have the intention of knowing that millions of women will make wonderful changes in their lives...and their changes will positively change the lives of everyone they touch...and together we will transform the world.

Shining Your Light...or Hiding It Under A Basket?

2007-06-15T06:19:00.000-04:00

I was in a Starbucks yesterday when some woman started practically shouting over my shoulder at the clerk. At first, I wasn't too happy. I just wanted to get my cup of tea and get on with my day.

As it turns out, that location was having an art exhibit the next day. The exhibitor was the twenty-something clerk and the shouting woman was either her mother, friend or agent. She was shouting because were no signs advertising the art exhibit anywhere...not on the door, near the register, on any tables...nowhere.

So, in my own special kind of Victorious Woman butting-in, I asked about her art. Apparently, at least according to the shouting woman and the other clerk, she was pretty good. However, the artist-clerk got really rattled when she talked about herself...so much so that she forgot to get my tea. "I just like the painting," she told me, somewhat embarrassed. "It's what I really want to do with my life. I just don't like the whole commercial part of it."

I cringed as I always do when I hear that attitude from a woman. With that attitude, that young woman runs the risk of forever being in a clerk-type job while spending her life wishing someone would love her work enough to make her an artistic success.

But it's what we do, you know. We downplay our good works, we minimize our accomplishments, we give someone else the credit and we cheat ourselves (and sometimes others) out of the fruits of our good work. Too often we seem to be afraid of becoming one of those aggressive, cut throat, cigar-smoking neanderthal men. Or worse, one of those women...you know, the successful ones like Martha Stewart and Oprah that everyone calls "b" or worse. How dare they have the audacity to compete in a man's world and win! Who to they think they are???

You gotta get with it. While those male stereotypes seem to stick in our minds, that's not how most men are. And women like Martha and Oprah take a lot of criticism mostly because they don't fit the "good girl" mold.

Who do they think they are? They are women, ones who are living their purpose. Martha brings us wonderful ideas and products, while Oprah consistently gives us the information we are looking for. And, they make a lot of money for doing their jobs well. You may or may not like their personalities, but who cares?

Here's the point: if you have something that is the energy of your soul, you have to do it. When you do it, you have to let people know about it. Understand going into it that you'll get more rejections than accolades but that's the way it is with everything in life. How many times do your kids tell you "no" before they do what you tell them? As a mom, you already get rejection before you get accepted...you know the drill. It's the same thing in business, just the kids who are telling you "no" are bigger and have better facades. So, why not get the rejections and accolades for something that is important to your inner self...something you can use to give yourself a happier and more satisfying life?

Here's what you need to focus on: your special gift might be just the thing that turns your life, or someone else's life, around. If you don't put yourself "out there" and make it available, no one will ever know. Making yourself stretch past your comfort zone is what victory is all about. We all need more and more of us to make that victorious stretch and encourage each other. Also, we are the models for the next generation. We can tell our young women to "go for it" all we want, but they will learn better by watching us do it.

So I have a challenge for you: what can you do today to let your light shine bright enough for others to see it? Go out and do it...and let me know what happens so I can share it with others who aren't as courageous as you are going to be today!

©CopyrightAnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Seasons of Change and Transition

2007-06-14T08:13:00.000-04:00

If you are one of the many women who are going through some kind of change, you'll be interested in my latest newsletter. In it, you'll read about how, though we talk about change and transition as though the are the same thing, they aren't. Knowing how and what to do during the change process can make a big difference in the outcome.

You can find it on my website at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/. Click on "Tips and Free Stuff" and download the May07 newsletter in pdf. While you are there, sign up for my newsletter mailing list. You'll be the first to get my quarterly newsletters, receive special offers before anyone else, and find out when I'll be on the radio or tv! You can also preview a few pages of my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life's Challenges into Personal Victories.

Let me know what you think!
Annmarie

Victorious Woman of the Month

2007-05-15T08:08:00.001-04:00

MAY 2007

This month I made an interesting choice for Victorious Woman of the Month. She is a historical figure of sorts, and someone with a family connection to my past.

I chose a Catholic Saint, St. Rita of Cascia. She is an example of a woman whose dreams were deferred, but not denied.

As a result of the cultural mores of her day, Rita's own dream for her life seemed to be denied to her. She obediently did what her parents wanted and suffered through many years of a bad, abusive marriage. However, just like any modern-day Victorious Woman, when her life suddenly changed, she saw opening and fulfilled her dream.

St. Rita is the patron saint of lost, forgotten or impossible causes, marriage, and domestic abuse.

You can read her whole story, and my personal connection, at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/vwmonth.htm

Victorously speaking,
Annmarie

Your Victorious Woman Calendar Download it Today

2007-05-03T15:30:00.000-04:00

In the last posting, I talked about the thirty-one day Victorious Woman Calendar. You can get your own from my website at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/calendar.htm. You'll find the calendar especially helpful if you are a women in transition going through a divorce, in a difficult predicament, thinking about getting back into the workplace, looking for a promotion, leaving your job...and more. It'll help you remember what's good about you and help you clean up some clutter.

While you are on the website, get some inspiration by reading about the Victorious Woman of the Month AND sign up for my complimentary quarterly newsletter . You can read previous issues at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/news.htm.

Enjoy this glorious month of victorious celebrations.
Have fun!
Annmarie

May is Victorious Woman Month! CELEBRATE

2007-05-03T14:58:00.000-04:00

In 2004, the Chases Calendar of Events designated May as Victorious Woman Month because a woman’s victory is essential for her health, happiness and well-being. We set this month aside to “celebrate the woman who shaped life’s challenges into distinct victories.” As a victory strategist specializing in women who are in some form of transition, I am enthusiastically leading the charge.

Since the "official desingation" of Victorious Woman Month, I've been publishing the Victorious Woman Month Calendar. Each of the thirty-one days offers one idea to honor a woman you inspired you, do something that unclutters your mind or spirit or reminds you to take a moment to celebrate your own victories.

One of the most fun things I do during Victorious Woman month is celebrate with friends, neighbors and collegues at an annual open house. It's designed for networking and sharing victory.

I'm sharing how I do it with you so you can model it for your own Victorious Woman Party.
1 - Send invitaions through www.evite.com. Specify beginning and ending time. I choose a Friday night so women can come after work. I also invite the women to bring their significant others, if they choose. Many woman have interdependent relationships whose partners support their victories and cheer them on to more victory...so it seems natural that they could be part of a victory celebration.

2 - Include a survey question in your evite, such as "what's one victory you are most proud of and how was it a victory?"

3 - Ask guests to bring one food item to share;

4 - Supply wine and soda. You can also have beer and ice tea but keep it light and simple;

5 - Have name tags for guests: Ask for their name and something they can say about their victory (it's a great icebreaker);

6 - When guests arrive, greet them with a list of "instructions," e.g. 1- fill out a name tag, 2 - arrange the food they brought on a table, 3 - get yourself a drink and some food, 4 - introduce yourself to 3 people within the first 15 minutes.

The entire format of your Victorious Woman Celebration is designed to get people mingling and talking. The comment I most often hear is about how many amazing women attend...and how nice everyone is.

My Victorious Woman Celebration is May 4. When's yours? When you have it, please share it with us so we can applaud you for your efforts!

Victoriously,
Annmarie

SHRINKING TO FIT

2007-04-11T11:48:00.000-04:00

ARE YOU DYING TO BE THIN? Literally??

As warm weather approaches, the "you have to shrink to fit" ads are everywhere. It makes me angry. The whole focus on being unnaturally thin is really out of hand. It should make you angry too!

Yesterday, I talked with a woman who told me she exercised 2-3 hours each day to lose weight. Last week I saw a woman who lost over 100lbs. who said she maintains her weight by exercising 3 hours a day. It takes a lot of effort for me to get in one hour.How do those women have that much time???

Those two women make time to exercise that much because thin is a primary focus of their lives. Similarly, Kelly Bliss, a former bulimic and April's Victorious Woman of the Month, said she used to spend hours each day throwing up. Like the first two women, she was desperate to be thin.

Here's why it makes me so furious: the pressure to be thin, typically directed at women, prevents us from being more of who we really want to be. Think about it. Presuming a woman is eating a healthy and balanced diet, exercising that much could only mean one of two things:
1 - She is working way too hard to maintain her weight, and is likely trying to force her body into a weight and shape that is too unrealistic for her natural type; or
2 - She is desperately unhappy. She's decided that being thin...and thinner...and thinner will make her happy. She's frantically trying to fill some black hole so she can have a meaningful life.

When you think about it, exercising 3 hours/day means 21 hours a week,(18 if you take a day off). Using that much time for exercising prevents you from doing anything else that is meaningful and that truly supports your personal or professional. Do you have any idea how much happiness or success you can create if you used those hours for your personal good??

In 21 hours/week, you could start a business, get a college degree, take your career to the next level, get a promotion at work, learn a new skill, be a volunteer for an organization that helps women in transition...the list goes on and on of good things you can do. Any of those activities, in addition to filling a woman's soul and raising your self-esteem, would also enable you to be more financially independent. That would give you more personal independence because you would have more choices in life.

Pushing women to be unnaturally thin, promoting an agenda that tells us that we have to shrink ourselves to fit some unrealistic cardboard image of attractive, is a subversive, 21st century way to keep women - YOU and ME - dependent, submissive and unable to shift our self-focus to anything else. The intention isn't any different from the travesty that has been perpetrated against women throughout the ages. The most frightening thing is that we let it happen to ourselves...and will continue to let it happen until we stay "stop" to the SHRINK TO FIT mentality.

What do you think?

VICTORY UP!

2007-03-27T16:43:00.000-04:00

I recently had two reminders about the importance of intentions. One came from a woman following one of the sessions in my complimentary e-course(available by sending an email to ecourse@victoriouswoman.com). The other came while attending the Philadelphia Flower Show where several judged entries not only stated the name of the flower display, but the artists’ intention.

One thing you need to know is that intentions are not goals. Instead, intentions set the scene for an outcome. I was particularly struck how the artists at the flower show explained their intentions. One Tuscan-like display intended a quick return to their favorite paradise. Another intended the space be a reminder of “no worries and no cares in a beautiful atmosphere.” Still another intended, “I am relaxed and rejuvenated by the beauty of nature around me. Other intentions included being surrounded by friends, a life of passion, laughter and merriment wherever life leads, kinship with others, and undying love.

When you set a goal for your life, having an intention is a really important step in the process. Without it you could be steering yourself into disappointment. Have you ever heard of someone whose goal was to become a millionaire and, when they achieved it, they weren’t happy? That’s often because they had an intention that was at cross points with their goal. For example, an intention to have fun and travel doesn’t mix with a career path that requires a long-term or permanent 80-hour, always-on-call work week. Or, an intention to be a great mother who finds fulfillment being surrounded by loving family is thwarted by your can’t-say-no-to-anyone volunteer jobs that take so much time that you hardly ever even eat dinner with your family.

On the other hand, if you value personal satisfaction and intend to have a life that balances caring for others with self-fulfillment, you are likely to choose a career that enables you to do both – like being a teacher so you can be home when your kids are home. You may not make scads of money, at least not quickly, but you will be happier because you are matching what you value and intend with your life path. When you have congruency, you have happiness.

Are your intentions congruent with your goals? If not, how not? If they aren’t that’s why the stuff you want might not be showing up.

VICTORY UP!

2007-03-23T06:49:00.000-04:00

In my previous post I explained the sabotaging Steppping Stones: Victim and Surviving. Now, read about the Stepping Stones that not only support your victories...they support your entire life!

Savvy aka Advancing: Takes herself and her development seriously. She expects others spouse/partner/children/etc. to also take her seriously. Interdependence is the key word for this stepping stone. This is the skillbuilding garden for growing victories.

Victorious: Makes time and space to boldly acknowledge victories. It doesn't matter if a victory means rising to the head of the company, overcoming fear of public speaking to make a presentation, or setting a boundary in order to gain more respect in the home.

Victory is something you do (not done by someone for you) that stretches you on the inside - doing something that is right and healthy for you but which you didn't think you could do. It's about getting past fear, criticism, disapproval or whatever else holds you back from being your best self.

Since we tend to occasionally move from one to another, it's really important to know TWO things:
1 - Which of the Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™ do you want to be on most of the time?
2 - Which one are you one most of the the time?

Knowing where you are, and where you want to be, is the key to developing a lifestyle that gets your started and keeps you going forward. It helps you choose what to keep, what to give away (and when), how to ask for help from your family, how much held to give...and when to pull back.

On which Stepping Stone am I most likely to find YOU, most of the time?

Think about it...
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Want to get started and keep going? Sign up for my free e-course at ecourse@victoriouswoman.com with "SEND ME MY FREE ECOURSE" in the subject line.

Victory UP!

2007-03-19T13:26:00.000-04:00

In the past couple posts I wrote about the four Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™: Victorious ∙ Savvy ∙ Surviving ∙ Victim. The first two, Victorious and Savvy, are the Stepping Stones which support a woman in victory. The latter, Surviving and Victim, sabotage victory. Here's a brief description of the sabotaging stepping stones:

Victim: Makes bad choices, doesn't hold self accountable for what happens, always blames someone or something else for problems. It's the "poor me" stepping stone.

Surviving: Convinces herself that she is satisfied (or stuck with) the status quo. Often lives vicariously through others, like spouse/partner/children. Fixing them is easier than fixing herself. It's the "settling" stepping stone and is fraught with overcaring tendencies.

Do you see yourself in either one of these. An occasional victim or surviving moment is OK, but do you live there? Your words and behaviors tell the story. Watch what you say and do. Think about it. Be radically honest with yourself.

I'll tell you about savvy and victorious in the next post.

With my best intentions,
Annmarie

Victory Up! Stepping Up to Victory, Part II

2007-02-20T14:29:00.000-05:00

My February 7 blog is the background for this posting. In it, in response to an email received at my Victorious Woman website, http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, I wrote about how a woman has the Power of Choice and can make a decision to refocus her life. I also included questions that she, or any of my readers, can use to help them step off the Victim Stepping Stone and into a better life. In this posting and the next, I’ll explain more about the Stepping Stones.

Victory Leaves Clues
When I researched women for my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories, I came to understand how strongly our lifestyle either supports or sabotages our victories. In interview after interview, I recognized the telltale signs of the Victorious Woman in the way she lived her life and the way she viewed her past (and present) challenges. Over time, I noticed specific patterns of thoughts and behaviors associated with different lifestyles. I grouped them together into four lifestyle choices. I called them STEPPING STONES because, while most of the time we take steps forward, we also occasionally step sideways or backward. Unfortunately, like my February 7 emailer, sometimes we get stuck in a lifestyle that isn’t good for us.

There are four Victorious Woman! Stepping Stones™:
Victorious ∙ Savvy ∙ Surviving ∙ Victim

Since introducing the STEPPING STONES, I’ve received wonderful feedback from those who read Victorious Woman! attended one of my workshops or keynote addresses. What they tell me is that the STEPPING STONES showed them how their lifestyle – the small choices they made every day – either supported or sabotaged their goals, dreams, even their everyday routines. The STEPPING STONES showed them how to see their life differently and gave them a direction for moving forward.

With my workshop and teleseminar participants, once they have a direction, they utilize the Six Victory Skills to determine how to help themselves get stronger. Then, they apply the Victorious Woman Model for a practical approach for improving their lives.

I’ll share more STEPPING STONES information in my next post.
With the best intentions,
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.
You can learn more about the Stepping Stones, Victory Skills, Victorious Woman Model AND read the encouraging and inspirational stories of nine women who earned the title Victorious Woman in my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories. Available at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm and bookstores everywhere.

Victory Up: Stepping Up to Victory

2007-02-07T15:27:00.000-05:00

Recently, I received an email submission at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, my Victorious Woman website. In it, a woman writes about how her family dismissed her “like she didn't exist at all,” and was “given away like a used piece of furniture, no longer needed.” She doesn’t say how she was given away or by whom (adoption, spousal abandonment, ignored by her children…or something else). However, she says that she still carries the effects of abuse, neglect & abandonment 30 years later and refers to someone (presumably her) who, because of family members, “wakes up everyday of their life wishing that they were never born.”

Obviously, this woman is in great emotional pain. Her email ends wanting to know what I think of her family for treating her so badly. I have several responses, which I’ll address both to her and to my other readers.

First of all, the emailer only wants commentary on the people she believes wronged her. That makes me think she is choosing to live her life as a victim, a thought process (not a reality) that becomes a lifestyle filled with blame for others with an inordinate focus on self, and too much time spent indulging in self-pity. It’s unhealthy for any woman to use so much precious time focusing on and needing justification for past hurts. It’s far more beneficial and self-nourishing for a woman to put her thoughts on what she has control over – that is, working toward a happier, more compelling future. I believe spending each day (for 30 years!) regretting being born is a waste of time…and life.

Next, whenever I strategize with any woman about her life, it’s her victory (or potential victory) that I focus on more than anything else. None of us can change our past, but we can be victorious over it. The only way we can do that is by concentrating on the things we can change – about our behaviors or specific parts of our life, such as our work, family, leisure, etc.

So, if I was talking to you, I would ask these questions:
- Why do you want me to only focus on the other people, not you?
- What have you done to better your life, in spite of your family?
- What responsibility are you taking for your life?
- If you would become victorious over this situation, what would that look like?
- What are your current plans for self-improvement?
- What are you doing TODAY to make this day happy?

Whatever the answers, if you are a woman who feels victimized by life, you need to start believing that you have the POWER OF CHOICE. Everyone chooses whether to live in sadness, depression and regret OR chooses to give up the victim lifestyle and make a better life. Quit looking for acceptance from people who don’t, and maybe can’t, give it.

Look instead to the future and CHOOSE TO REFOCUS your life. In this very moment, commit your thoughts and actions to taking only strong and positive steps forward. In the beginning, that could mean something as simple as finding one positive thing each day to look forward to. Just that small step will lift your spirits each day and get you on a victory path.

From my own experience in an abusive family, I know creating victory is easier said than done. Sometimes, you need professional help in dealing with your feelings. If that’s the case, commit to getting it. Or, you may have a greater need for a support group. There are churches and organizations that have meetings for dealing with nearly every difficult life situation. Find one and go. I personally have done both over the years and have found the effort worth the time, money and energy. Whichever you choose, take positive action, start now and don’t give up!

Finally, set goals and work on them. Start with something small and build your confidence. Create your own victories. I know from experience that, while victory is different for every woman, only you can make it happen for yourself. I also know that one victory usually leads to another…and another.

Also, I pray that you learn that you are loved. Remember, however, as Victorious Woman Tekki teaches us, the most powerful love is the one you have for yourself.

For my readers who want to read more on this topic next week, check back next week and I’ll talk a little about the Stepping Stones to Victory.

With the best intentions,
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

Victory Up

2007-02-07T15:13:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Victorious Woman Journal!

Come to this space to read about how to make your life more worth living, more satisfying, more of how you want your life to be.

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